In a play scene early on in our relationship, Daddy locked a dog choke chain around my neck. When the play scene was over, I kept the collar on. This signified the beginning of some of our more D/s oriented facets. Later on, I purchased a heart shaped lock and used that with the choke chain instead of Daddy's lock. This became my collar which I wore whenever we were with each other (except for certain occasions like the ballet).
We had talked about other collars early on and he seemed to want to get me a black leather collar with purple satin lining. Something that was well made. At the time, I can remember researching lots of other collars online including purple dyed leather with sparkly gems and the like. At some point, I realized that if I was going to wear Daddy's collar, I needed to trust and submit to him on the design. Once I made that decision in my head, we decided on the simple black leather with purple satin lining and we promptly sat on the idea for months. =)
At some point we spoke to our local sex toy maker about such a thing and he said while he didn't have purple satin on hand, if we bought the material, he could have it made. Another month or two went by and Daddy and I finally went shopping for the satin and brought it over to our friend soon after.
In the weeks that have followed while I've waited for the collar to be made, I've wondered what the significance of this new collar would mean to us. I had often dubbed my current collar my 'consideration collar' because it was so casually and playfully given. This new collar felt like it was going to be more permanent and I wanted to give it some sort of special meaning.
Early on in my time exploring kink, I'd read about collaring ceremonies and how they compared to weddings. I had always imagined the possibility of being part of one with the man I love someday almost as much as I had imagined the day I'd wear the symbolic white dress. With the new collar in the making, I wondered if it was time for Daddy and I to vow to each other in Dominance and submission. Upon reading about other peoples' experiences and vows however, I felt a definite difference in feelings.
Would I be expected to pledge my full submission to him in everything I did? Was I really ready for such a commitment myself? And was Daddy really ready for the maintenance and responsibility that could potentially be required?
My first reaction was to write it all off. Daddy and I have a very multi-faceted relationship. In one moment, we can be the most romantic vanilla couple enjoying time together at the ballet and in another I can be down on my hands and knees as he fucks my ass while telling me what a good pony girl I am. With that in mind, I felt like the D/s side of our relationship has been very light-hearted backed by a very gentle and romantic kind of love. Could I really pledge my undying submission to him then? And would I really want to? How would that change our current relationship?
I did end up mentioning the possibility of a collaring ceremony to Daddy and to my utmost surprise, he smiled. He seemed very onboard with the idea and I decided to do some more research. All the while, I couldn't quite understand why my heart was in knots over what it all would mean.
Yesterday, I finally worked it out in my head. There didn't have to be a collaring ceremony. It was just a new collar. It didn't have to mean we had to say vows to each other and it definitely didn't mean we had to change the dynamic that was working so well for us in so many ways. I think I started to get caught up in what I thought collars mean to the community and maybe I was trying to go through with something I thought would be respected by the community when in fact, I didn't really need to answer to anybody but myself and my Daddy.
I mentioned all of this to Daddy after I'd processed it all and he seemed pretty relieved. He said he'd wondered if I was trying to bite off more than I could chew but was always willing to try to do whatever he could to make me happy. He also said he really liked the sentiment of making vows to each other. I told him that I thought for us that may simply be a wedding. And who knows, maybe later on in our relationship we will choose to have a collaring ceremony and maybe it will or will not change the dynamic we share together.
All I know now is that we don't have to make such a change or say such vows right now. He's simply giving me a new collar and our love will continue to blossom as we grow together in the dynamic that works extremely well for us.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, June 4, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The blind girl and the patient man
So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.
T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time. At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.
We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.
In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.
I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.
Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.
That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.
But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.
I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)
That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.
The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.
We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)
Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.
I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.
But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)
T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time. At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.
We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.
In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.
I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.
Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.
That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.
But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.
I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)
That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.
The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.
We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)
Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.
I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.
But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Jaded
Edit: I should probably preface this post and catch everyone up. A previous post on another blog which was duplicated as a journal entry on Fetlife never made it to this blog. It essentially explained that I felt the need to give up actively dating and start exploring my passions and maybe the right person would come along at some point. It was a recognition that I needed to start enjoying life instead being so involved in dating that it became a chore.
A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.
In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.
A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.
Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.
It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.
Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.
A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.
In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.
A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.
Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.
It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.
Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Eager Needy Struggles
As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.
Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.
All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.
In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.
And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.
For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.
I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.
It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle.
While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.
So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.
Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.
All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.
In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.
And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.
For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.
I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.
It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle.
While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.
So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
End of the Innocence
"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it....it's only good for wallowing in." -Katherine Mansfield
So I've been handling my latest escapade fairly well. It helps that the hangover has run it's course. I've been given a lot of things to think about by my many friends in the community and I'm slowly processing it all.They've told me that I haven't changed as a person, that I haven't lost anything really tangible, and that I should merely learn from this and move on. Yet I think I have changed as a person, even if only slightly. Having sex for the first time like that, experiencing what I had held off experiencing for so long, has indeed changed me. I think I was able to hold off having sex for so long partially because I hadn't actually felt what it was like. Now that I have, I am experiencing an intense desire to feel it again and my old dating rules that required an exclusive relationship for such acts....are fading.
Mind you, this doesn't mean that I suddenly want to have sex with every man I see. As someone else said, sometimes we have to take a small step back, not start taking giant leaps backward or forward. Before this event happened, I had started considering the possibility of adding sexual acts to scenes with a willing top so it was already beginning to be thought of. It's just now become much more than a possibility in my frame of view. I also have to admit that I kind of want to get together with the same guy and have another go, but sober this time; even if that's the last time with him.
Regret is something I have tried for the most part to live without. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I have taken them very seriously and tried not to dwell on them....too much. Still it's never easy.
I've learned something new about myself and once again I'm changing. It's not the first time and it won't be the last...and yet as humans, we always seem to have such a hard time with change. Yet it's quite inevitable. I still don't fully know what this means for me yet. I think when it comes to dating, I'll probably still not plan to have sex on the first date but it may be something I want to do sooner than I have considered in the past.
The other thing I need to consider more now is safer sex. I guess I didn't think about it much before because sex was something that I tried not to engage in before I was exclusive with someone and in my mind, that usually included STD testing on both our parts.
This also sheds new light on my views on polyamory. Although I have to remind myself that being sexually open does not equate to practicing poly (although everyone does it differently). I still have hopes for meeting my One someday but at the same time I've started to appreciate qualities in different people as well. All-in-all, change seems to be on the horizon and I'm ready to adapt, without looking back in regret. With that in mind, while nothing tangible was actually lost, it does seem to be an end of innocence and a coming of age; almost in time for my 30th birthday. ;)
"If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today." -Unknown
Monday, August 22, 2011
Virgin's First One Night Stand
Well yesterday, I once again journeyed out of my comfort zone and met a guy at a bar in downtown Seattle. My reasoning for this was that I would be in Seattle anyway for Rope Enthusiasts Group. We met at the Whiskey bar and each shared a couple drinks and enjoyed each other's company but it was still early. He suggested we take a cab up to Captiol Hill and visit some other places up there and I agreed because I liked what I saw so far and wanted to continue enjoying his company.
What resulted was three more bars, three more drinks, and three more shots which of course equated to me being completely plastered. At some point leading up to that, he started getting more touchy-feely and I was definitely welcoming it. His arm around me here, him pulling me onto his lap there, even sneaking kisses here and there. Warning bells probably should have been going off in my head because again, I don't usually get that physical so quickly. It probably didn't help that he was an attractive black guy with muscles that made me swoon. After my last drink at the last bar, my memory gets a little fuzzy on what happened.
I remember being too drunk to even think about driving home. I remember him saying we could take a cab back to his place and we could cuddle. I remember being worried about my car being towed if I wasn't back by 1am. I remember crying and being a bit of an emotional wreck. I don't remember arriving at his place or removing my underwear. I do remember giving him head. I also remember turning my head and puking over the side of the bed because my gag reflex was much more sensitive because of the alcohol. I do remember that once I found out that what he meant by 'cuddle' was to have sex with me, I resisted, put my dress back on, and started to leave. I don't remember why I stayed. I do remember him having both vaginal and anal sex with me and that I enjoyed both the pain and pleasure involved. I also remember him telling me to be quiet because I couldn't contain my moans of pain or pleasure.
At some point during the night, between getting up to drink water, going to the bathroom, forcing myself to vomit, I must have gotten some sleep. He held me close and I didn't know what to feel except my pounding head and aching stomach. And yet I still wanted him. Again. Maybe it was because I had already done it, I was no longer a virgin, so how could doing it again be any worse? He was spooning me and I was able to arouse him enough by moving my butt up against him and after a short time, he took that as a cue. He took his hand and massaged the area of my clitoris and then rubbed his cock along my ass and my pussy back and forth, waiting for me to moisten up.
I have to admit to hoping he'd put it in my ass again because the anal from the night before was more memorable. Then again, I've always fantasized about anal anyway. He eventually placed me on my back and got on top of me, spread my legs wide and put his cock in my pussy. It didn't go in easy and it was definitely at least partially painful but he kept going and as he set into a rhythm the pleasure outweighed the pain and I wrapped both my arms and legs around him. After a few minutes he was obviously getting close and asked if it was ok if he came inside me and I said yes....so he did. We both went back to sleep again for a while and at some point, I finally got up and called a cab.
It's hard to say what was going through my head at that point. I felt a mixture of satisfaction, yearning for more, and yet sadness as well. There's also of course the stupidity of not using safe sex. I may have gotten lucky this time because we both are clean but I won't really know that for sure until I get retested again in a few months.
It wasn't until the cabbie mentioned that if he's with a girl that's drunk, he won't touch her, that the word rape ever even came to mind. And suddenly the sadness started overwhelming me. If I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have had sex with a guy I only just met. I would not have lost my virginity to a guy that I will probably never see again. I know these things to be fact. And now I'm caught up in a turmoil of emotions. I liked the sex. I liked his body. I want more. And I showed that by followup sex in the morning that was most definitely consensual. Yet I know I don't just want sex, I need so much more. I need love, I need romance....along with the sex. And now I feel a little cheap, like a prostitute used for a one night stand. And yet a part of me still craves more of the same.
There was definitely a point where my submissive side stepped in last night and I gave my all to him. Yet I don't want to give that to just some guy I met that day. I want it to be special, to mean so much more than that. But now that I've given that for the first time, I feel like a barrier has dropped. My sexual boundaries that I held so strong to for so long are falling away and I'm scared. I don't want to take this and let everything go.I'm changed forever now and I don't know what that means to me quite yet.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sub Drop and Circumspection
It's odd. My mood has dropped over the last couple days.
Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.
And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.
Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).
Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.
Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.
Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.
I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.
I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.
Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.
Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.
And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.
Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).
Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.
Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.
Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.
I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.
I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.
Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Connection/Chemistry vs. Submission
My heart needs a deep connection and chemistry with someone special. Someone who will essentially sweep me off my feet and yet feel the same about me. It doesn't have to be instant but it's usually something that happens within one or two dates. Or it doesn't.
Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.
But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.
I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.
Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.
But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.
I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Little girl vs. Experienced Woman
My mind and heart have been at arms over the last 24 hours or so. I recently met with a guy who I now call Daddy and we had our first date. It was my first experience of any kind of D/s relationship intermingled with the beginnings of hopefully a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.
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