Anal Humiliation

NOTE: This is fictional erotica between two consenting adults

“Go to your bathroom. I want you naked except your collar, on your knees, bent over, in the bathtub. And you better put some towels under your knees because you will be there for a while. When I get home, you better be there or there will be consequences.”

The tone in Daddy’s note was much more dominant than usual and I felt my clit swell up as I read it. What did he have planned tonight? I was both excited and yet scared of the unknown. But I knew I’d better get going because he would be home soon. In fact, he could be home at any minute.

At that thought, I raced to the bedroom and stripped off all my clothes. I fumbled around for my collar and buckled it on my neck before grabbing a couple towels. Then my heart stopped as I heard the front door open. 

“I’m home, little girl! You better be in the bathtub!” he practically shouted.

I raced into the bathroom, pulled the shower curtain back and out of the way, and after throwing the towels down in a makeshift way, got into the bathtub on my hands and elbows, my ass up in the air.

“Good girl” I suddenly heard him say very close and I looked over and found Daddy leaning against the door frame smiling down at me with an evil grin. He was holding a special set of stocks in his hand that I had a love-hate relationship with. They were merely a 2x4 with 4 leather cuffs attached in the right places for wrists and ankles and were the kind that really locked me into place well and yet put me in a position that was very hard to maintain for any real length of time.

He walked over and set the stocks behind me and began strapping my ankles into them. Then he called for my hands and I had to bend down far enough to reach my hands between my legs which let my head resting on one of the towels on the tub floor. He strapped my wrists in and proceeded in putting locks onto all 4 cuffs. There was no way out of this; he could do what he wanted with me. I could feel my pussy heating up at the thought.

Daddy stood up and just stared at me for a minute; a man admiring his property. I squirmed a little and tried to look over at him. 

I asked him “Daddy is everything ok? I didn’t do anything to deserve a punishment.” 

He looked down at me and said “Everything’s just fine little girl. You’re right, you didn’t do anything wrong but sometimes you need to be shown your place. You are mine and I will do whatever I wish to you.”

That sent a shiver down my spine that sparked my already wet cunt and I let out a small moan. 

“And I don’t want to hear your whining tonight, princess.” He said as he bent down to shove something in my mouth. “Yes I know you like your panties in your mouth…that’s where they belong.” 

I started to work them out of my mouth and he responded by grabbing some nearby duct tape. He pushed the panties all the way back into my mouth and they started to go slightly down my throat. Then he put a strip of duct tape across my mouth to lock them in.

“Mmmmpphfmmmphh” I moaned. 

He said “There, that’s a good girl. You don’t need to talk.” Now I was strapped in and unable to speak and yet my pussy couldn’t be any hotter. “but for trying to get them out, that’s 3 swats with the belt” he said as he removed his big leather belt from his pants. 

My eyes went wide. That belt hurt like HELL.

WHAP! My ass suddenly felt on fire. 

WHAP! That fire increased a hundredfold. 

WHAP! Tears filled my eyes as I struggled but couldn’t not move away, so very tightly strapped in. He slowly rubbed his hands all over my ass just then and I felt a drop or two of something flow down my leg from my cunt.

He smiled again looking down at me and then reached under the bathroom sink and pulled out a plastic bag full of something. I watched as he took out the contents. It looked like a rubber hose and some other weird looking objects.

Just then, a timer went off in the kitchen. 

“Oh that’ll be the water. I’ll be right back. Don’t move, little girl.....oh that’s right, you can’t!” he said, laughing as he left the room. 

I whined through the panties in my mouth. They tasted as wet as my pussy felt. He came back with a big pan of water. After setting it down, he took out a thermometer and after holding it in the water for a minute or so, he said 

“One hundred degrees; just right”. 

I was still confused. What the heck was all this stuff for?

He filled some kind of latex bag with the water and then hung that on the shower rod, with the tubing  hanging off of it. Then he put on a rubber glove and lubed up his finger, proceeding to probe my tiny asshole with it. I moaned through the gag. I recognized this at least. 

“Ok princess, it’s time for your enema. Open your little asshole for Daddy.” He said. 

 Enema? Oh god. I’d heard all kinds of stories about enemas and it did not sound fun in the least.

I squirmed and moaned and he smacked my ass with his other hand and said: 

“Stay still or you’ll get more of the belt.” 

I stopped suddenly and stayed as still as I could. 

“You are the one who wanted me to fuck your ass bareback. You should know by now that if you want me with no condom inside you, you’ll have to do something special for me. I only want to fuck your ass if it’s clean, little girl.”

I did want him to fuck my ass bareback….I hated condoms and I wanted to feel his come inside me…but an enema?!?!? Just then he removed his gloved finger from my ass and inserted something else. Something swelled up just inside my anus and I flinched. It made me feel a little constipated. I whined through the gag. 

Daddy ignored me and said “here comes the water, little girl.” as he unlocked the valve.

Suddenly, I felt my bowels start to fill up with warm water. It was a strange sensation, not bad persay but very odd. I squirmed a little and continued to whine and Daddy just chuckled and said 

“That’s right, take that enema up inside you to make you all nice and clean for Daddy.”

As the water continued, I started to feel very full and constipated and on the verge of cramping. I moaned and whined a lot more and squirmed a little here and there until finally Daddy said 

“Ok that’s all of it.” 

I about sighed with relief. That meant it was over, right? 

“Now you have to keep it in there for 15 minutes. “ he said as he set a timer next to the tub. 

Was he kidding??? 15 minutes?? I felt so full and uncomfortable and my thighs were starting to time out from being in the stocks so long as well. I needed out now, not in 15 minutes!!

I pleaded with him with my eyes as I whined and he just kept smiling down at me like he'd smile at a dog who had just played dead for the first time. He reached under me and put his hand on my tummy and pressed up. I felt a shock of pain in my bowels and I screamed. He let go and said grinning 

“See now it doesn’t feel so bad compared to that, right?” 

Tears rolled down my cheeks in agreement as I tried to catch my breath.

He ran his hands along my back and my butt cheeks and then my hair and my legs, keeping me with a continued touch all over my body and I found some serenity in his touch while braving the continued torrential pressure in my bowels.

Then the timer went off. 

“You made it, little girl!” Daddy said as he unlocked and unfastened the cuffs. 

“Now I’m going to take the tubing out and you’ll have to clench down really hard with your sphincter to hold in all of the water.” 

I nodded through the pain of continually holding all of it inside me. He undid the nozzle and I did as he said and clenched as tight as I could to keep the raging river from flowing out of me. However, even doing that, I could feel some of it dribble out of me and I somehow clenched harder.

I was able to slowly get up from the bathtub and very carefully take the two steps to sit on the toilet. But right as I was ready to release everything, Daddy said 

“Wait. You’ll let go when I say you’ll let go.” 

My eyes widened and I whimpered through the gag, looking up at him. I felt a dribble trickle out and the pressure started becoming truly unbearable. Then Daddy finally said: 

“Ok, now you can go, little girl.”

I sighed with relief as I finally let go. It sounded like a raging waterfall as it all came out of me and Daddy chuckled and patted me on the head. 

“Good girl, we’ll get you potty trained yet.” he said, making me blush profusely as it continued to pour out of me. 

Daddy held his nose and said “Stinky little girl, you better give me a courtesy flush.” 

I reached behind me and flushed even though I knew I wasn’t done yet. The smell was pretty horrible too and I had no way of breathing through my mouth, thanks to the gag. He continued to stare at me while I felt and we heard more liquid pour out of my ass and I couldn't help but whine. It was a mixture of relief and humiliation at the same time. 

Finally after a few minutes, I was done and I flushed and wiped good. Daddy grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to the bedroom, forced me to my knees at the foot of the bed, and bent me over it. He grabbed my arms and tied them crossed behind me. He then tied my ankles to each end of the bed, forcing my legs to spread to a position that was just far enough apart to be uncomfortable. I heard him open a bottle of lube and rub it on his cock and then felt him squirt some on my asshole.

"Ok little girl, the moment you've been dreaming about." Daddy said and I felt his cock begin to enter me and moaned. 

"Open up your ass for Daddy's cock, princess. You know that's what it's for."

My pussy clenched at hearing that and he pulled out slightly and pushed in slightly farther this time. He repeated that a few more times, till I felt his full girth enter my ass. I moaned. God it felt so good to finally really feel his cock inside me.

"Good girl" he said as he grabbed tightly to my arms for leverage and began pounding his cock inside me at a suddenly much quicker pace. My eyes widened and I moaned loudly through the gag unable to move as his cock pounded into me over and over. 

"That's right, princess, you love my cock up your ass don't you???" he yelled. When I didnt respond, he said much louder: "DONT YOU?!?!" and I mumbled "yes daddy" as loud as I could through the gag. 

"Such a good little cunt with a tight little ass. This is what your ass is for isn't it? For taking my cock whenever I please?"

"Yes Daddy" I mumbled through the gag again.

He continued hammering me and chiding me and I kept responding appropriately as my pussy continued to drip and spray. He slowed down for a minute to catch his breath.

"This is really good, little girl. I'm going to have to do this more often." He sped up again and I felt his cock ram so deep into my ass, my back arched in response.

"Your ass is going to be so used, you might have incontinence problems. That's ok though, that's what diapers are for....little girls who can't keep from messing in their panties."

As he said this, he grabbed my ass cheeks tight and rammed his cock so deep inside me my eyes went wide again and his familiar grunts could be heard as I felt him cum deep inside me. As if in response, my pussy twitched in an orgasm of its own. My body tingled all over, my eyes crossed, and I lay there limp.

Daddy's breathing slowed down and he reached for something before pulling out of me. My ass felt suddenly empty for only a second before something else found its way inside. 

"It's your favorite purple butt plug, princess. This way, you can keep all my cum inside you longer."

He untied my legs but left my arms bound behind me as he helped me all of the way onto the bed. I snuggled up beside him. I didn't realize till later that he hadn't grabbed a towel to wipe off his cock.

After a few minutes, he turned towards me and took the tape off my mouth and removed the panties. My throat felt so dry. He then stood up and pulled me to the edge of the bed on my back, my head hanging over the side.

"Ok princess, are you ready to taste your own ass?" 

My eyes widened in shock and I exclaimed: "Dadd---" but I was cut off as he filled my mouth with his cock. It's hard to say whether it was the smell or the taste that was off but either way it was quite horrible. But my arms were tied behind my back and I had to do whatever Daddy wanted anyway. 

"Good girl, taste your own ass. You like the taste of your own asshole, don't you? Little cumslut whore." he chided at me and my whole body quivered at the humiliation as I gurgled and whined.

His cock had been softening up when he started but it was easily getting quite hard once again. As he quickened his thrusts, the taste was the least of my problems as I gagged and spit and choked. I could hear my own throat making swallowing sounds and lines of tears fell down the sides of my head from my eyes. His rhythm was speeding up like he wanted to come but then he stopped and quickly spun me around and flipped me over, pulling the butt plug out of my ass and replacing it with his once again engorged cock.

He pumped his cock deep in my ass a few times and I once again felt the familiar sensation of his hot cum shooting inside me and I moaned as I continued to catch my breath. He lay on top of me like that catching his own breath when the door bell rang.

He pulled out, untied my arms, and while putting the butt plug back inside my ass, he said "Ah yes, that would be your sister and her daddy, come to hang out with us." I was thinking to myself, 'thank God the scene is over then'. As if reading my mind, he said, grinning

"And the night has only started."

I groaned, wondering what else he could possibly have planned.

"Princess, the rest of the night, you will be on all fours, do you understand?" I nodded and said "Yes Daddy."

The doorbell rang again.

"Good girl" he said, "Now go get the door and greet our guests."

I got off the bed and went down to my hands and knees, before crawling out of the bedroom and to the front door. I turned the knob with one hand and pulled the door slightly open. I was greeted by a "Hi sis!" and the smiling faces of my sister, Linda and her daddy as they walked in. They gazed at me with interest and it was only then that I realized I was still completely naked and my makeup must have been smeared all over my face. I suddenly blushed.

Daddy came out of the bedroom fully dressed and shook Linda's Daddy's hand and said hi to Linda. They chatted while Linda grinned ear to ear at me the whole time and I continued blushing. I turned around and walked farther into the living room and I heard Linda say

"Squeee! She's got a butt plug in!" 

Daddy responded: "Yes, princess has had some incontinence problems so I've had to keep her plugged."

I was so shocked, I stammered out a retort "I do not!". Daddy just glared at me and I shrunk down, trying to make myself as small as I could. 

"That's five." is all he said and I flinched.

"Excuse me, I think I need to take care of something before we watch that tv show you wanted to show me. Please feel free to have a seat." Daddy said as he went into the kitchen. He came back out with some rope and my metal dog bowl and placed it on the floor next to the couch. 

"Come here, princess." he said sternly and I did as ordered. He had me get into a squat position, with my elbows on the couch and my butt hanging over the edge of the couch, right above where he put the dog bowl. Then he tied me in place. He also tethered a rope from a small hook on the ceiling.

I cringed when he produced some clover clamps out of nowhere and one by one clamped them to my nipples. I moaned as he tugged on the chain in between them and felt them tighten on my nipples. He tied the chain to the end of the rope connected to the ceiling leaving just enough room that I wouldn't be able to rest my body fully without applying pressure to the nipple clamps. I whined.

Then he removed the butt plug and I felt a small amount of come start to drip out of my ass into the dog bowl. It was excruciatingly unpleasant, the feeling of something seeping out of my ass while trying to hold myself up so as not to let the nipple clamps pinch harder than they already were. 

"There." Daddy said, "Now that she has her evening snack being made, I will get something for us."

Evening snack? What was he---oh. It took me a bit to think through the distractions to realize what he meant. He was going to make me lick up the cum. I whined at the thought and I could feel both Linda and her Daddy's stares on me as they grinned, watching. I could feel the cum ever so slowly creeping out of me in weird long strands but it was taking so long, it left me feeling itchy and like I had to go to the bathroom but it wouldn't all come out.

Daddy returned with a beer for Linda's Daddy and some juice for Linda. They turned on the TV and began watching some tv show documentary about the financial crisis or something.....I have to admit I had a hard time paying attention. Thank god there wasn't going to be a quiz.

As the credits were rolling, Daddy looked over and said

"Ok princess, it's time for your snack." I groaned, knowing what was coming. He took the dog bowl out from under me and showed it to me. There wasn't much cum in it and it looked like some of it was probably my own but a good amount of it seemed to have dripped off the side of the bowl and onto the carpet. 

"Uh-oh, she dribbled on the carpet." Daddy said, showing it to Linda and her Daddy. I dont think I ever blushed that hard in my life. Daddy untied me from the couch and removed the nipple clamps while I tried not to scream. 

"Could I get Linda's help here, by chance?" Daddy asked her daddy. Her daddy nodded intrigued and Linda grinned evilly. My whine came out like a puppy dog's and my pussy clenched. Still on my hands and knees, Daddy shoved my head down into the area of the carpet where I had dribbled. My nose and mouth got the brunt of the wetness.

"Bad girl!" he said. "Don't move!"

He took off his belt again and asked "Now what did I say earlier? Five? Yes I think that was right. Linda, keep her head down in that mess and count for her, will you please?" 

Linda said "sure!" and she grabbed me by the hair and pushed my head into the carpet more, rubbing it in. 

WHAP! Daddy's belt hit my ass with a sudden strike and I yelped.

"One!" Linda said

WHAP! Daddy hit the same spot and I couldn't help but try to move away but Linda leveraged her body weight against me and held me there by the hair and said "Two!"

WHAP! My scream muffled through the carpet and tears started filling my eyes.

"Three!" Linda chimed in.

WHAP! "Four"

WHAP WHAP WHAP! "Five?" Linda looked unsure as I blubbered and lost myself in the pain and humiliation.

"Yes thank you Linda." Daddy said as he put his belt back on and began rubbing my ass, cooling it down. 

"Now you can have your treat, little girl." He said as he placed the dog bowl in front of me. "Lick it all up now." I continued crying, more from the humiliation than any of the pain as I started trying to lick up the little bit of cum that had gotten in the bowl. 

"Such a good little cumslut bitch." Daddy said and Linda giggled while her daddy smiled.

Deep Throat Breath Play

Once again, this is erotica between two consensual adults.

I wake suddenly. Groggily I try to get my bearings but my eyes are filled with sleep. I begin to reach up to rub my eyes when I realize I can't. I wriggle slightly and find that I cannot move my body at all. I seem to be able to move my head but my body is tightly pressed together inside of something, a bondage sack? My eyes are starting to adjust to the darkness and I see I'm in a bed and ---

Suddenly hands grab me by the hair and pull my head off the side of the bed. I scream in surprise before realizing it's Daddy. "It's ok little girl. Daddy needs to use your pretty little throat now." I barely have a chance to feel relieved before my mouth is pressed open to receive his cock. I automatically try to squirm but my hands and feet are pressed so tightly together that it feels more like a pathetic wriggle. The helplessness of my situation causes my pussy to heat up and I feel its juices begin to seep.

He pushes his cock in slowly and then pulls out before pushing in deeper. I can't help but moan, knowing I'm pleasing Daddy but my moans are cut short as he suddenly pushes the cock past my sinus airway and down my throat. I can't breathe, let alone moan and more pathetic wriggles spasm from my body.

He pulls out enough for me to get one quick breath before ramming his cock all the way back down my throat again, holding it there. "It's ok princess, if you can't take it, you know you can always reach up with your hand and tap out." he snickers knowing I can do no such thing. All I can do is take his cock down my throat over and over, trying to breathe in between thrusts. I can feel the spit building up in my mouth and my sinuses are clogging up from being upside down.

He grabs my tits through the bondage sack and speeds up his rhythm, deciding he doesn't need to pay attention to my breathing. He moans with pleasure feeling my mouth and throat and all of its juices around his cock. I find myself in a state of panic and my gag reflex is starting to get the better of me because I'm not getting enough time to catch my breath. My panicked state gets worse when I realize I'm going to puke. I suddenly tilt my head to the side causing his cock to bend and slip out, heaving something up. I struggle to catch my breath, breathing heavily as gooey saliva flows down the side of my face and tears run down from my eyes.

Daddy looks down at me for a moment and says "Ok little girl, puking isn't a safeword." He then grabs me with both hands on either side of my head and shoves his cock back down my throat and holds it there. "This is good training for you. You need to learn your place. When I need to use your throat you need to be available for Daddy." The breath I've been holding runs out way too fast and I gag and try to struggle but his hands holding my head there mean no air for me. I thrash about more but his strong hands just hold his cock deep in my throat tighter. My pussy flares up knowing I cannot get away, spraying its juices between my compressed legs, orgasm building. My whole body feels like it's going to burst and yet the pressure only keeps building until finally my orgasm hits me like a tidal wave but I still can't moan or breathe.....I hear screaming in my head and find myself in a place between pleasure and pain, life and death, and time seems to stand still. Then after what feels like eons, the light starts to fade and I start to feel light headed.

Suddenly Daddy lets go and pulls out and I instinctively turn my head to the side and feel my chest heave while trying to take in air at the same time. My heavily heaving breath is met by wads of spit and snot, among other things. As I catch my breath, Daddy smiles down at me "You naughty girl, I didn't say you could cum." He snickers though and I'm too busy catching my breath and trying to understand what just happened to even smile back at him. The compressed area between my legs feels like a sticky ocean and electricity feels like it's going through all of my limbs at once.

He continues smiling and says: "Look at you! Your face is covered with spit and your mascara is running down your face and yet you're still my beautiful little princess cum slut." I smile back at him, still trying to catch my breath and clear my throat. "And now that you're throat is thoroughly lubed up, it's time for you to swallow my cum. I know you like that and you know it's what you were meant to do." he says. My pussy perks up again at his words and I nod, excited again.

 He grabs me by the hair on either side of my head like two handle bars and slips his cock halfway in, just to the back of my mouth. "Now what do you say?" I respond with "I wuuw oo Ahh-eee" and he smiles and says "I love you too princess" pushing his cock the rest of the way down my throat again. He doesn't hold it there long though but begins fucking my throat with a faster rhythm, his balls slapping my nose over and over, as he moans in his own pleasure and my pussy continues to get even more wet.

I find myself losing my breath again as his cock pounds down my throat. I struggle and wriggle but my body is still so tightly compressed...there is no escape and that only makes my clit twitch more. My jaw aches and my throat feels so sore but I can't stop it. This is what I was meant for.

With a final thrust, his cock finds its way deeper down my throat than its ever been, his balls finding their way to my upper lip. Once again I can't breathe at all. He groans, pressing harder and I feel his cock contract over and over as jets of cum shoot down my throat. My wiggles turn frantic again as my pussy's fraught with another orgasm, Daddy's come shooting down my throat for what feels like a thousand years.

He finally pulls out and I turn my head, my chest heaving again over and over, catching my breath and purging anything in the way. Daddy smiles at me and grabs a towel. He wipes the spit and cum and makeup and puke off my face and pushes me over on the bed to where my head is on a pillow again. He gets into bed and cuddles next to me, still in the bondage sack, whispering "Good girl. Very good girl." I am still breathing heavily but I smile and rest my head on his shoulder, the best I can.

My throat is on fire and my legs are completely soaked but I'm too exhausted to even speak. Daddy gives me a sip of water before cuddling back in. We both drift off to sleep, and my last thought is that the bondage sack is going to need a good washing.

I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite curious...here I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my mind...in fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:

1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive

Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Tied up, Tickled, and Spanked

Tuesday night was the Zenith party at the Center. I had scheduled a scene with a top (we'll call him Z) that has tied me up a couple times before with very light play so I felt very comfortable with him.

Z and I conversed for a while and I tried to be social with others but I found it hard to contain my eagerness to begin and I think that amused Z. Surprisingly he had a lot of things in mind that I was interested in but I hadn't expected and that made me even more excited. These things included duct-tape gags and some impact play.

We setup the space and he started to get out his rope while I stripped my dress and bra off. First, he tied a quick chest harness on me (it makes my boobs look bigger, I swear lol). Then he took an extra long piece of rope and began tying it around me using simple lark's head knots. His plan was to try a mummification-like tie and the closer he got to being finished, the more I wondered if I'd be able to keep my balance. I ended up taking my shoes off at one point because that was just a long time standing in heels.

The initial rope loosely mummified me with my hands to my sides and my legs and ankles together and he went over it all a second time with more rope, cinching it down between my arms and my sides and between my legs. It felt pretty secure and you can imagine that I was all smiles. =) Z had a guy help him lower me to the ground and I started to squirm a little to get my bearings. I was surprised to find that I still had some flexibility.

He then tied a blindfold on me and proceeded in some tickle play. That was probably the main form of play for the scene. Throughout the night, he'd find my ticklish areas and I'd squirm and giggle and protest and well that kind of thing. =) At some point, he decided to try duct tape over my mouth and I have to say, I really like that way too much. It's not even a sensory deprivation thing necessarily but not being able to speak and hearing my own muffled moans has a profound effect anyway.

More tickling ensued and a few times, I was on my tummy and he straddled me so I couldn't move/squirm very much and he'd find the really ticklish spots and send me into a frantic squirm and muffled moaning/laughing/screaming. I can't help but love being in that frantic helplessness. It brings on a special heightened headspace.

A couple times, the blindfold started to come off and he didn't notice and I'd try to tell him but was reminded by my mouth being unable to move that I could not speak lol. That was quite an interesting feeling. Eventually he would see it needed to be adjusted and either fix it or ask and I'd nod. We had negotiated that if things were not going well for me in any way that I'd shake my hands back and forth frantically and if everything was ok , I'd make my fingers into the "A-OK" symbol. Also, many times during the scene, he'd remark something  like "Good girl" and that made me giddy every time.

The ropes shifted a lot during the scene and he tried some hair bondage which actually helped keep the blindfold on better. A few times, I lifted my legs behind me above my butt and put my wrists behind me from within the ropes they were already in. He chuckled to himself and acknowledged that he understood what I was trying to communicate to him....essentially that a hogtie on top of what was already tied, would be fun. And he of course obliged.I also tried my usual tricks, trying to get up onto my knees and even my feet so I could hop around....but I couldn't seem to keep my balance. I also was able to do a shoulder stand a couple times and that was kinda funny and Z said he was impressed lol.

At some point during the scene, he either asked or just went ahead with some impact play, I forget which. Either way, my fingers went up into the A-OK position fast enough. =) He started out with some light wand of some sort and just very lightly tapping it on my butt. I thought it was cute. Then suddenly out of nowhere, there would be a WHAP that would leave a slight sting on my butt. He switched it up like that interplaying light taps with surprise heavier ones and the heavier ones kept catching me off guard and I'd squirm and giggle or moan.

I haven't done a lot of impact play so this was new to me and I liked it. I liked the sting, I liked the surprise effect as well. He switched back to tickle play some more and then asked if I wanted more impact play and my hands said A-OK. =) Then he said something like "I can use what i was using before or maybe just my hand" and my hands immediately went to A-OK and I nodded and he seemed pleased at that.

He proceeded to spank my butt with his bare hand this time, again lightly like before, with heavier slaps intermixed, each one surprising me with its sudden intense sting. I'd squirm sometimes and my legs would shake and he'd check in with me to make sure that wasn't a sign that it was too much and each time my A-OK confirmed that what he was doing was great. =)

He alternated cheeks and hands and started to give me more and more heavier swats and I had no qualms about it. The lighter spanks kind of tickled and made me giggle (they were kind of cute) and then the heavier ones made me moan. But all of it was very welcome.

In that space, I found myself surprised that I liked this so much...surprised that I wouldn't have minded if he sped it up and added in more heavier swats. I also found myself getting extreme pleasure from the spanking in general. In fact, I started thinking that with the right person in a romantic setting and the right rhythm, I could maybe even orgasm from it.

A couple times, he asked if I was doing ok or if he should stop and I made it pretty clear that everything was A-OK. =) The tail end of the scene was purely me being spanked for a good amount of time.

I don't remember exactly how it ended. I think we both came to a place where we were satisfied and we knew it was late. He took the duct tape off carefully and started untying me in places. In other places, I was able to slip out and I just laid there with the blindfold on, sighing in contentment. He went and got a blanket for me and I snuggled in it laying there while he finished untying the ropes left on my ankles.

At some point, I took the blindfold off and laid there a little longer before finally getting up and getting dressed again. I hugged Z and thanked him. I also suggested an idea that just occurred to me...that maybe next time he could tie me to the spanking bench hehe.

On the way home, I reveled in my contentment and newfound relief in knowing I could go through a scene like that without worrying about unwanted emotions or attachment.

Walking a fine line

Last night I started my membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. Wow I never thought I'd be a member at a 'sex club'. Life is funny sometimes.

Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.

We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.

Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.

The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We  did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".

Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.

So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.

I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.

After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.

So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.

He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.

He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.

What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and  moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.

Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.

I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all.  But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.

That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.

So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.

Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.

Wow = My First Play Party (BitP)

I called this weekend a "BDSM Weekend". I went to YAREG, the SBS Brunch, and "Bondage is the Point" at the CSPC.

My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.

I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.

Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.

Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.

The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.

He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.

Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.

Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.

The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.

I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.

At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.

A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.

One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".

At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.

At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.

Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.

I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.

The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush

It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.

Bound Again

It's dark, pitch black
but voices all around
my limbs are entangled
amidst rope and hemp
tightly bound
I can only squirm and wiggle
ever so slightly.
I'm helpless and at their mercy
why does that feel so welcoming?
They prod and laugh
and whisper in my ear
they roughly take me by my hair
and I am defenseless.
My heart is overtaken
by a torrent of bliss
giggling, whimpering, sighing
I can't help but smile
as others around me
make remarks.
It's peaceful in this place
yet exciting as well
I'm high as a kite
but even as it is undone
slowly the longing
in the depths of my soul
like a long-refused addiction
rekindles, re-sparking
the need in my loins
desire in my heart.
And now my whole body
so completely aches
to be bound again.

Empowered by Tasting

Sunday night, I attended a 'tasting event' at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. I have to admit being increasingly nervous up to the point of actually walking into the building. I might have avoided going altogether if I hadn't already promised a few people I was going to be there...and my curiosity and excitement overpowered my anxiety only slightly.

There was a potluck beforehand and once I found the right building and room to be in, I felt more comfortable. I was approached by and introduced to a few people during the potluck and that made things even more comfortable.

Then the big moment came, it was time to go to the tasting. I walked around signing up for this or that still nervous and excited. They announced that it was time for the tastings and the tops started calling out names already. Eeek! A friend I made at the potluck pulled me back to the lockers and we both undressed to our lingerie. She had on a babydoll and I have to admit I felt a little embarrassed I hadn't thought of something like that. All I had was my bra and panties (which say: KISS THIS on the back). But I strutted back out into the main area anyway (yes I kept my heels on ;).

I have to admit, I expected more people to be just down to their underwear or even naked but most were fully clothed. I had originally only been planning to strip down if the majority of other people did as well but my new friend had been a bit of encouragement. I suppose I could have been embarrassed about it, being one of the only people (at least at first) walking around in just her underwear but something clicked in my mind and it went the other way. I found myself strutting around, smiling at everyone (and I seemed to get lots of smiles back too for some reason! lol) and just having a good time. It was warm enough in there with all the people and of course the activities.

I ended up trying flogging, spanking, violet wand, suspension bondage, floor bondage, and saran wrap bondage. It was all fun but I found myself enjoying the bondage parts the most and the other events, I felt like they just needed bondage added to them to make them more fun. =) I'm not a masochist so being flogged or spanked alone didn't do much for me...but the feeling of being helpless, tied up in ropes or saran wrap....really felt good....and imagining being flogged or spanked or tickled (etc) while being tied up, unable to move but being forced to be there and take it...that adds fuel to the feeling for me.

I had originally signed up for one of the 2 bondage stations, not realizing one could be for suspension and one could be for floor bondage. So I got on the floor bondage list a little late and was much farther down the list. As the night was getting closer to being over, I felt pretty good but I still wanted to try the floor bondage. The top doing that event looked like she was about done but she let one more girl go and she said I could be the last. She hogtied that girl and then tried to figure out what to do for me. She decided on some kind of makeshift crucification one or something. She said I would have some choices as to what positions were most comfortable and I asked her "Will I be totally helpless?" with a hopeful gleam in my eye. She smiled and said "yes mostly".

So she tied my arms to a pole, tied my left leg bent in on itself and my right leg to the same pole my arms were tied to. Then she sat back and watched and laughed as I tried to find a comfortable position. I smiled and struggled at the bonds. I moved around in all kinds of positions and found myself a bit helpless at times. =) She helped me once move back to a certain position but I soon found myself back in that helpless position. A few people came over and watched and laughed and egged me on and I just smiled and giggled and struggled.

At some point, I started to get free and with a lot more work and time, I was able to break free completely. Not that I wanted to! haha. The top that tied me up commented by saying "You didn't tell me you were an escape artist" and I laughed. In reality, I just enjoyed feeling helpless with an audience and isn't a part of being truly helpless, struggling? It was fun and hot. Probably my favorite part of the whole night.
I drove home that night feeling very happy for some reason....almost empowered. I almost wanted to celebrate somehow. I had discovered more of this side of me and it felt good. Although it opened up more questions too. I felt like "Wow, I could really enjoy a rope-play-party" but at the same time, I'm unsure of my sexual limits and yet a part of rope-play I definitely want to experience at some point will be the sexual additions to it. But I still see the ultimate pleasure of it being with that one true special person for me and him alone.

Deep Throat Fantasy

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