Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Once again, I just wanted to take the time to give a shoutout to my newest followers:

Anaheim Pepper

Thank you all for joining me on this journey! =) Feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments =)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Spanked to Tears

Last night I cried. It was a first for me, not because I had never cried before (far from it!) but because it was my first time crying in a scene.

Beforehand, I had told Z that if I cried it was definitely not a sign that he needed to stop the scene. I wanted to cry. I needed that release. And simply talking about it , I almost felt like bursting into tears right then. Not because of him or even anything in my current everyday life but an emotional hurt inside me.

He tied me to the rack with my back to him and my arms outstretched above me and began simply spanking my ass. It started out light of course, as he warmed me up but soon got heavier. My whines and moans began pretty quickly. It's an odd sound I make...not a's more like a moan...and when something hurts even more, it starts out sounding like a moan and turns into a high pitched whine.

I had worn a thong that that night, baring my ass more than I have in the past and yet I found even still, I was much more closer to screaming when he hit the tops of my thighs than anything else.

At some point in the scene, I began mentally using what I call my "crying words". Things I know I can tell myself that aren't necessarily true that will either make me cry or make me cry harder because they really emotionally hurt.

Examples: "My parents don't love me", "I'm sorry I failed you, Mom and Dad", "I broke the family apart", "I let you down", "I failed you", "I deserve this for what I did", "Mom's health is failing because of me", and lots more. In a way, it was less about words and more about feelings of hurt and guilt.

At one point my mind was back to when I was a kid and my dad used to spank us when we had done something wrong. He'd look us in the eye and ask us why we were getting spanked and we'd have to re-iterate what we'd done wrong, between tears of anticipation. Then he'd have us pull our pants down and bend over his knee and he'd spank us with his bare hand. Hard, fast, strong. We'd wiggle and squirm and cry but there was no getting away. I always remembered afterward, feeling relieved that it was over and knowing I would try my best to never do whatever it was I had done...again.

With all of this happening in my head, tears came to my eyes. My moans and whines were mixed with small quiet sobs. At one point, Z stopped and realized he'd really done some damage to my left cheek. He asked me how I was doing and whether I wanted to continue and I told him he should probably even it out and make the other cheek match lol.

More sobbing, whining, moaning. By the time he stopped again, I was definitely feeling a sense of release. I think I really wanted to cuddle at that point but it was early and I didn't want to be done yet. So when he asked how I was doing, I said I had learned my lesson but maybe he could hogtie me and tickle me. Some much lighter play was definitely in order.

Tying, smiling, tickling, laughing, giggling, squirming, screaming, bunny hopping, shrieking all commenced in the usual fashion that my tickling scenes seem to happen nowadays and another hour went by. When it was over, I was pooped. Z untied me and we cuddled for a while and then it was time to get dressed, help him ravel up rope, and clean up. I visited with some of the other folk there and one of my friends made smirking comments like "Wow you need a ball gag" and "Sounded like he was playing with a monkey!". I just smiled and blushed.

After visiting for a little bit, I decided I was ok to drive and needed to get home to my bed. Not without staring at my ass in the mirror, mouth agape. I think that's the heaviest marks I've ever had and it was just his hand this time.

All-in-all, it was a good experience. It's the first time I processed pain that way before. I've had things in my life that were painful physically and they triggered an emotional response like that before...but they were always unexpected. This was more planned. I don't think it's the way I will always approach an impact scene though. There may come a point where the impact is much faster and painful and crying words wont necessarily be needed. I just don't know if I can really take that kind of pain yet.

I do still like approaching spanking from a more light hearted and playful angle as well. There's something attractive about having my butt turn a nice shade of red and feeling warm. Plus there's something in me that longs to submit to a special man in my life. Whether it's punishment or "funishment", it's still at least partially attractive to me in that dynamic. There's something very submissive and little girl about it.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

End of the Innocence

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on's only good for wallowing in." -Katherine Mansfield

So I've been handling my latest escapade fairly well. It helps that the hangover has run it's course. I've been given a lot of things to think about by my many friends in the community and I'm slowly processing it all.

They've told me that I haven't changed as a person, that I haven't lost anything really tangible, and that I should merely learn from this and move on. Yet I think I have changed as a person, even if only slightly. Having sex for the first time like that, experiencing what I had held off experiencing for so long, has indeed changed me. I think I was able to hold off having sex for so long partially because I hadn't actually felt what it was like. Now that I have, I am experiencing an intense desire to feel it again and my old dating rules that required an exclusive relationship for such acts....are fading.

Mind you, this doesn't mean that I suddenly want to have sex with every man I see. As someone else said, sometimes we have to take a small step back, not start taking giant leaps backward or forward. Before this event happened, I had started considering the possibility of adding sexual acts to scenes with a willing top so it was already beginning to be thought of. It's just now become much more than a possibility in my frame of view. I also have to admit that I kind of want to get together with the same guy and have another go, but sober this time; even if that's the last time with him.

A couple nights ago, when I was in bed, I cried some more. Part of me so dearly wanted to go back to the point in that night where I put my dress back on and was about to leave. I could have called someone, so many friends would have gladly picked me up, or I could have just taken a cab. I could have also called a cab instead of going to his house in the first place. I could have abstained from drinking altogether. I could have told him that it was nice meeting him but that I needed to get home after the first bar. So many 'could haves'. The pain I was feeling was a very intense regret.

Regret is something I have tried for the most part to live without. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I have taken them very seriously and tried not to dwell on them....too much. Still it's never easy.

I've learned something new about myself and once again I'm changing. It's not the first time and it won't be the last...and yet as humans, we always seem to have such a hard time with change. Yet it's quite inevitable. I still don't fully know what this means for me yet. I think when it comes to dating, I'll probably still not plan to have sex on the first date but it may be something I want to do sooner than I have considered in the past.

The other thing I need to consider more now is safer sex. I guess I didn't think about it much before because sex was something that I tried not to engage in before I was exclusive with someone and in my mind, that usually included STD testing on both our parts.

This also sheds new light on my views on polyamory. Although I have to remind myself that being sexually open does not equate to practicing poly (although everyone does it differently). I still have hopes for meeting my One someday but at the same time I've started to appreciate qualities in different people as well.

All-in-all, change seems to be on the horizon and I'm ready to adapt, without looking back in regret. With that in mind, while nothing tangible was actually lost, it does seem to be an end of innocence and a coming of age; almost in time for my 30th birthday. ;)

"If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today." -Unknown

Monday, August 22, 2011

Virgin's First One Night Stand

I usually take dating pretty seriously. I like when a guy comes out to my town for the first date and meets me at a coffee shop and we can get to know each other a little bit in an easygoing environment. For the most part, I don't get sexually involved until the third or fourth date and/or we have approached a mutual agreement on our relationship. Mind you, I have been known to approach things differently on occasion and it usually jumps up and bites me and I retreat back to my safe way dating.

Well yesterday, I once again journeyed out of my comfort zone and met a guy at a bar in downtown Seattle. My reasoning for this was that I would be in Seattle anyway for Rope Enthusiasts Group. We met at the Whiskey bar and each shared a couple drinks and enjoyed each other's company but it was still early. He suggested we take a cab up to Captiol Hill and visit some other places up there and I agreed because I liked what I saw so far and wanted to continue enjoying his company.

What resulted was three more bars, three more drinks, and three more shots which of course equated to me being completely plastered. At some point leading up to that, he started getting more touchy-feely and I was definitely welcoming it. His arm around me here, him pulling me onto his lap there, even sneaking kisses here and there. Warning bells probably should have been going off in my head because again, I don't usually get that physical so quickly. It probably didn't help that he was an attractive black guy with muscles that made me swoon. After my last drink at the last bar, my memory gets a little fuzzy on what happened.

I remember being too drunk to even think about driving home. I remember him saying we could take a cab back to his place and we could cuddle. I remember being worried about my car being towed if I wasn't back by 1am. I remember crying and being a bit of an emotional wreck. I don't remember arriving at his place or removing my underwear. I do remember giving him head. I also remember turning my head and puking over the side of the bed because my gag reflex was much more sensitive because of the alcohol. I do remember that once I found out that what he meant by 'cuddle' was to have sex with me, I resisted, put my dress back on, and started to leave. I don't remember why I stayed. I do remember him having both vaginal and anal sex with me and that I enjoyed both the pain and pleasure involved. I also remember him telling me to be quiet because I couldn't contain my moans of pain or pleasure.

At some point during the night, between getting up to drink water, going to the bathroom, forcing myself to vomit, I must have gotten some sleep. He held me close and I didn't know what to feel except my pounding head and aching stomach. And yet I still wanted him. Again. Maybe it was because I had already done it, I was no longer a virgin, so how could doing it again be any worse? He was spooning me and I was able to arouse him enough by moving my butt up against him and after a short time, he took that as a cue. He took his hand and massaged the area of my clitoris and then rubbed his cock along my ass and my pussy back and forth, waiting for me to moisten up.

I have to admit to hoping he'd put it in my ass again because the anal from the night before was more memorable. Then again, I've always fantasized about anal anyway. He eventually placed me on my back and got on top of me, spread my legs wide and put his cock in my pussy. It didn't go in easy and it was definitely at least partially painful but he kept going and as he set into a rhythm the pleasure outweighed the pain and I wrapped both my arms and legs around him. After a few minutes he was obviously getting close and asked if it was ok if he came inside me and I said he did. We both went back to sleep again for a while and at some point, I finally got up and called a cab.

It's hard to say what was going through my head at that point. I felt a mixture of satisfaction, yearning for more, and yet sadness as well. There's also of course the stupidity of not using safe sex. I may have gotten lucky this time because we both are clean but I won't really know that for sure until I get retested again in a few months.

It wasn't until the cabbie mentioned that if he's with a girl that's drunk, he won't touch her, that the word rape ever even came to mind. And suddenly the sadness started overwhelming me. If I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have had sex with a guy I only just met. I would not have lost my virginity to a guy that I will probably never see again. I know these things to be fact. And now I'm caught up in a turmoil of emotions. I liked the sex. I liked his body. I want more. And I showed that by followup sex in the morning that was most definitely consensual. Yet I know I don't just want sex, I need so much more. I need love, I need romance....along with the sex. And now I feel a little cheap, like a prostitute used for a one night stand. And yet a part of me still craves more of the same.

There was definitely a point where my submissive side stepped in last night and I gave my all to him. Yet I don't want to give that to just some guy I met that day. I want it to be special, to mean so much more than that. But now that I've given that for the first time, I feel like a barrier has dropped. My sexual boundaries that I held so strong to for so long are falling away and I'm scared. I don't want to take this and let everything go.

I'm changed forever now and I don't know what that means to me quite yet.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Ok so a couple more followers , I thought I'd give you all a shoutout ;) Besides, I have yet to formulate a new blog post so this will have to do *giggle*.

Mr Stive

Welcome all of you to my blog! And thanks for joining me on my journey =)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Tied up, Tickled, and Spanked

Tuesday night was the Zenith party at the Center. I had scheduled a scene with a top (we'll call him Z) that has tied me up a couple times before with very light play so I felt very comfortable with him.

Z and I conversed for a while and I tried to be social with others but I found it hard to contain my eagerness to begin and I think that amused Z. Surprisingly he had a lot of things in mind that I was interested in but I hadn't expected and that made me even more excited. These things included duct-tape gags and some impact play.

We setup the space and he started to get out his rope while I stripped my dress and bra off. First, he tied a quick chest harness on me (it makes my boobs look bigger, I swear lol). Then he took an extra long piece of rope and began tying it around me using simple lark's head knots. His plan was to try a mummification-like tie and the closer he got to being finished, the more I wondered if I'd be able to keep my balance. I ended up taking my shoes off at one point because that was just a long time standing in heels.

The initial rope loosely mummified me with my hands to my sides and my legs and ankles together and he went over it all a second time with more rope, cinching it down between my arms and my sides and between my legs. It felt pretty secure and you can imagine that I was all smiles. =) Z had a guy help him lower me to the ground and I started to squirm a little to get my bearings. I was surprised to find that I still had some flexibility.

He then tied a blindfold on me and proceeded in some tickle play. That was probably the main form of play for the scene. Throughout the night, he'd find my ticklish areas and I'd squirm and giggle and protest and well that kind of thing. =) At some point, he decided to try duct tape over my mouth and I have to say, I really like that way too much. It's not even a sensory deprivation thing necessarily but not being able to speak and hearing my own muffled moans has a profound effect anyway.

More tickling ensued and a few times, I was on my tummy and he straddled me so I couldn't move/squirm very much and he'd find the really ticklish spots and send me into a frantic squirm and muffled moaning/laughing/screaming. I can't help but love being in that frantic helplessness. It brings on a special heightened headspace.

A couple times, the blindfold started to come off and he didn't notice and I'd try to tell him but was reminded by my mouth being unable to move that I could not speak lol. That was quite an interesting feeling. Eventually he would see it needed to be adjusted and either fix it or ask and I'd nod. We had negotiated that if things were not going well for me in any way that I'd shake my hands back and forth frantically and if everything was ok , I'd make my fingers into the "A-OK" symbol. Also, many times during the scene, he'd remark something  like "Good girl" and that made me giddy every time.

The ropes shifted a lot during the scene and he tried some hair bondage which actually helped keep the blindfold on better. A few times, I lifted my legs behind me above my butt and put my wrists behind me from within the ropes they were already in. He chuckled to himself and acknowledged that he understood what I was trying to communicate to him....essentially that a hogtie on top of what was already tied, would be fun. And he of course obliged.I also tried my usual tricks, trying to get up onto my knees and even my feet so I could hop around....but I couldn't seem to keep my balance. I also was able to do a shoulder stand a couple times and that was kinda funny and Z said he was impressed lol.

At some point during the scene, he either asked or just went ahead with some impact play, I forget which. Either way, my fingers went up into the A-OK position fast enough. =) He started out with some light wand of some sort and just very lightly tapping it on my butt. I thought it was cute. Then suddenly out of nowhere, there would be a WHAP that would leave a slight sting on my butt. He switched it up like that interplaying light taps with surprise heavier ones and the heavier ones kept catching me off guard and I'd squirm and giggle or moan.

I haven't done a lot of impact play so this was new to me and I liked it. I liked the sting, I liked the surprise effect as well. He switched back to tickle play some more and then asked if I wanted more impact play and my hands said A-OK. =) Then he said something like "I can use what i was using before or maybe just my hand" and my hands immediately went to A-OK and I nodded and he seemed pleased at that.

He proceeded to spank my butt with his bare hand this time, again lightly like before, with heavier slaps intermixed, each one surprising me with its sudden intense sting. I'd squirm sometimes and my legs would shake and he'd check in with me to make sure that wasn't a sign that it was too much and each time my A-OK confirmed that what he was doing was great. =)

He alternated cheeks and hands and started to give me more and more heavier swats and I had no qualms about it. The lighter spanks kind of tickled and made me giggle (they were kind of cute) and then the heavier ones made me moan. But all of it was very welcome.

In that space, I found myself surprised that I liked this so much...surprised that I wouldn't have minded if he sped it up and added in more heavier swats. I also found myself getting extreme pleasure from the spanking in general. In fact, I started thinking that with the right person in a romantic setting and the right rhythm, I could maybe even orgasm from it.

A couple times, he asked if I was doing ok or if he should stop and I made it pretty clear that everything was A-OK. =) The tail end of the scene was purely me being spanked for a good amount of time.

I don't remember exactly how it ended. I think we both came to a place where we were satisfied and we knew it was late. He took the duct tape off carefully and started untying me in places. In other places, I was able to slip out and I just laid there with the blindfold on, sighing in contentment. He went and got a blanket for me and I snuggled in it laying there while he finished untying the ropes left on my ankles.

At some point, I took the blindfold off and laid there a little longer before finally getting up and getting dressed again. I hugged Z and thanked him. I also suggested an idea that just occurred to me...that maybe next time he could tie me to the spanking bench hehe.

On the way home, I reveled in my contentment and newfound relief in knowing I could go through a scene like that without worrying about unwanted emotions or attachment.