Thursday, August 25, 2011

End of the Innocence

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on's only good for wallowing in." -Katherine Mansfield

So I've been handling my latest escapade fairly well. It helps that the hangover has run it's course. I've been given a lot of things to think about by my many friends in the community and I'm slowly processing it all.

They've told me that I haven't changed as a person, that I haven't lost anything really tangible, and that I should merely learn from this and move on. Yet I think I have changed as a person, even if only slightly. Having sex for the first time like that, experiencing what I had held off experiencing for so long, has indeed changed me. I think I was able to hold off having sex for so long partially because I hadn't actually felt what it was like. Now that I have, I am experiencing an intense desire to feel it again and my old dating rules that required an exclusive relationship for such acts....are fading.

Mind you, this doesn't mean that I suddenly want to have sex with every man I see. As someone else said, sometimes we have to take a small step back, not start taking giant leaps backward or forward. Before this event happened, I had started considering the possibility of adding sexual acts to scenes with a willing top so it was already beginning to be thought of. It's just now become much more than a possibility in my frame of view. I also have to admit that I kind of want to get together with the same guy and have another go, but sober this time; even if that's the last time with him.

A couple nights ago, when I was in bed, I cried some more. Part of me so dearly wanted to go back to the point in that night where I put my dress back on and was about to leave. I could have called someone, so many friends would have gladly picked me up, or I could have just taken a cab. I could have also called a cab instead of going to his house in the first place. I could have abstained from drinking altogether. I could have told him that it was nice meeting him but that I needed to get home after the first bar. So many 'could haves'. The pain I was feeling was a very intense regret.

Regret is something I have tried for the most part to live without. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I have taken them very seriously and tried not to dwell on them....too much. Still it's never easy.

I've learned something new about myself and once again I'm changing. It's not the first time and it won't be the last...and yet as humans, we always seem to have such a hard time with change. Yet it's quite inevitable. I still don't fully know what this means for me yet. I think when it comes to dating, I'll probably still not plan to have sex on the first date but it may be something I want to do sooner than I have considered in the past.

The other thing I need to consider more now is safer sex. I guess I didn't think about it much before because sex was something that I tried not to engage in before I was exclusive with someone and in my mind, that usually included STD testing on both our parts.

This also sheds new light on my views on polyamory. Although I have to remind myself that being sexually open does not equate to practicing poly (although everyone does it differently). I still have hopes for meeting my One someday but at the same time I've started to appreciate qualities in different people as well.

All-in-all, change seems to be on the horizon and I'm ready to adapt, without looking back in regret. With that in mind, while nothing tangible was actually lost, it does seem to be an end of innocence and a coming of age; almost in time for my 30th birthday. ;)

"If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today." -Unknown


  1. I like the way you've faced this. I like the self-honesty. It is anything but easy to go through all that you have been through and face the pains and embrace your future. You are not letting what happened rule you. It is a new perspective on who you are. And you have tried to make good decisions about what you want to do with your life in a way that you can live with yourself based on this new view. You cannot do anything more.

    I am glad that you have so many really good friends to surround you and support you as you grow.

  2. I think it's only natural that you want to get together with the guy from the other night. Hope it works out.


  3. You'll have plenty of people to tell you it just doesn't matter. But, I think you are deeper than that, and I think you already know that it DOES matter. I too wish you could go back and undo the way this happened..because there are many healthier scenarios that would not leave you with the regret you are feeling.

    You are handling it well, you are letting yourself feel pain about choices made and actions taken. I'm sorry for what you are gojng through. Don't deny what you feel, I think you are too genuine for that. You saved a precious part of yourself and you valued yourself enough to wait for many years.

    Use this as a catalyst for better and safer choices. Not as a springboard to give yourself permission to be used further.

  4. @Stormy - Thanks. It is a mix, there are definitely better and safer choices in my future and yet still, some things have changed.

    @Kitty - Yeah well I'm kind of relieved....he hasn't answered any of my texts.

    @SweetShannon - Yeah it feels good to be honest with myself and I am very lucky to have the friends and family that I have.