Thursday, December 29, 2011

"Drink some water"

The following is fictional erotica between two consenting adults involving ageplay and bladder control.

Like many things it started with alcohol. Daddy and I had been out with some friends, Jake and Kylie, for lunch and I found myself having have had way too much to drink. We pulled up to my apartment and Daddy immediately told me: "Make sure you drink a lot of water, princess. That was a lot of alcohol for a little girl to consume." I replied with "yes daddy" but it was a little slurred so it sounded more like "Yesh Dyadhee".

We went up to my apartment and cuddled on the couch while we watched an episode of television. Midway through the episode, Daddy reminded me to drink some water again and I affirmed him with a similar response but did not get up. A couple more times throughout the show, he reminded me again and I finally got up and filled a glass with water and sat back down. Daddy was so warm and cozy though that I set the glass down and forgot about it instantly.

When the tv episode was over, Daddy turned to me and sternly said: "Princess, I asked you three times to drink some water and you still have not done so. You know it's for your own good and yet you disobeyed me three times. For this, you will receive a punishment but first, I will have to hydrate you myself." His words sobered me up and I reached for the glass of water, hoping to help the situation by finally starting to drink some water but he grabbed my hand and said "No. It's too late for that. We will do it MY way now." I was suddenly afraid of what he could mean and yet the commanding tone of his voice made my pussy clench.

He took the glass from me and went to the cupboard and retrieved a 32 oz water bottle. He filled that full of water and handed it to me, saying "I'm going to the car to get some equipment. I better come back here to find you, in nothing but your panties, kneeling on the floor and this water bottle empty...and don't even think of emptying it into the sink because I will know and then your punishment will be ten times worse." I gasped and took it from him. What equipment could he possibly need?

I quickly stripped down and kneeled on the living room floor.  I tried to down the water bottle all at once but about 2/3 way through it, I had to stop. While I waited for my stomach to shift enough for me to drink the rest of it, my mind was doing cartwheels wondering what Daddy had in store for me. It was unlike him to want to do anything in the bathroom and the only equipment we usually used was rope. I heard footsteps outside the door and quickly started downing the last little bit. As Daddy opened the door, I had just finished the water.

My relief at having finished in time was quickly cut short as I felt the rumbling of my tummy from all of that water. My bladder had already begun to go crazy because of the alcohol I had consumed but now I had just added more liquid. "Daddy can I use the toilet please before we start?" I asked. "No you may not, princess." he said with a smile, "you get no privileges right now, not even bathroom privileges." Oh God. What had I gotten myself into?

It was only then that I noticed that Daddy was holding his toy bag in one hand and a large plastic bag in the other; I couldn't see what was in the bag. He set both bags down and walked over to where I was kneeling, suddenly grabbing a fistful of my hair and forcing me to look up at him. "You may not like what I'm going to do to you but it's your own fault for not listening." He moved his other hand down into my panties to my cunt, which was already practically dripping from his words alone, laughed, and said "then again, maybe you will like it." I blushed profusely.

He let go of me long enough to open the toy bag and bring out some white rope. This type of thing I was familiar with although it was beginning to be hard to concentrate thanks to my bladder reminding me of the fact that I had consumed a lot of liquid and not yet been able to purge it. He also took out what looked like a prescription drug bottle from his pocket, popped one pill out into his hand and after refilling the 32oz bottle of water, instructed me to take the pill with some water.

Again, this was quite different than anything we normally did but I not only trusted Daddy with my heart but also my body so I obediently did as he asked and downed the pill with the smallest amount of water from the bottle I could manage. My stomach churned and my bladder continued to fight for my attention and I continued to try to ignore it and concentrate on what Daddy was doing.

He began tying me up using a chest harness and tying my calves to my thighs which ended up putting me into a basic frog tie. He also added a box tie to keep my arms behind my back. This was something else I was pretty familiar with and yet I found myself twitching and struggling slightly due to my bladder's continued imploring. I also realized that the tie kept my legs farther apart and the urgency of my bladder was turning into the urgency of my kegel muscles to hold everything back. This would not be good.

"Daddy I'm serious I really need to go to the bathroom. I don't know how much longer I can hold it." I whined trying but failing to turn around to look at him. I heard his response very softly and close to my ear: "That's the idea, princess. Just remember, the predicament you are in is your fault for not listening to me." My pussy unwillingly clenched and I let out a soft moan but then had to immediately turn my attention back to my kegels to hold back what already seemed like grand coolie dam just waiting to burst and Daddy just laughed as he straddled me from behind, his hips holding me down.

This position was also familiar but that would mean he planned to tickl--- my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sudden jab of his fingers on the sides of my ribs and I shrieked involuntarily, letting go of my urethral muscles for just a second before remembering what I was holding back. I felt a tiny bit of wetness in my panties but wasn't sure if some urine had escaped or if it was simply the natural wetness of my cunt. Either way I was already embarrassed. I struggled to catch my breath from just that one jab but he wasn't waiting for me to recover before he started tickling the sides of my ribs and up to my armpits.

I became a struggling mess of moans, shrieks, and pleading. "Daddy no! stop! I'm really going to go pee! You don't understand! I can't help it!" He did not however stop at all but instead responded very seriously "You BETTER NOT pee your panties little girl or I will be VERY ANGRY." I was suddenly very confused. Why did he not let me go to the bathroom before tying me up if he didn't want me to pee my panties in the first place? I didn't know but I couldn't continue thinking about it since my thoughts had to stay extremely focused on keeping back the raging river. A battle that was losing ground very quickly.

His tickling was relentless and it only got worse. Finally, I could hold back no longer and I screamed as my cunt spasmed uncontrollably while the flowing urine coated and soaked my panties. Tears came to my eyes in humiliation as the pressure from my bladder was finally released. Daddy stopped tickling me, stood up, crossed his arms, looking down at me with a frown.

"You really pissed your panties, little girl? You know only little girls piss their panties. That's why they're not allowed to wear big girl panties. Maybe you need to wear what little girls wear." He chided at me. I looked up at him, tears rolling down my cheeks, pleading eyes praying he wasn't serious. What I saw when I looked up was Daddy holding an adult diaper. My eyes grew wide in disbelief. He couldn't be serious? Would my humiliation ever end? And yet his mocking words and the humiliation of it all made my pussy clench in anticipation. What was wrong with me? I didn't want this!

Daddy kneeled down and untied my legs and let me stretch them out while he went and got a towel and some carpet cleaner. After removing my soaking panties and discarding them, he laid the diaper down and rolled me onto my back, scooting my bum down into place. He wiped my cunt and ass off with a baby wipe and grabbed a bottle of baby powder nearby and covered my cunt in powder. Then he pulled the front of the diaper up and taped the back to the front, enclosing it upon my crotch.

"There you go, little girl. All safe and sound now, you don't have to worry about making another mess now." My face turned very red and I whimpered and yet my clitoris perked up causing me to turn another shade of red. He untied my arms as well and told me to "clean up my mess". I vigorously scrubbed at the spot on the carpet on my hands and knees while he stood by and watched. "You know, little girl, your diaper gives your butt an extra cute wiggle when you do that." he smiled and I whimpered some more, stopping to look up at him with the best pout I could manage.

He simply laughed and said "Such a cute little girl. Hurry up and finish cleaning up the mess you made. I have more plans for you still." More plans? What? Wasn't this bad enough? Being forced into a diaper after being forced to piss myself silly? The fear and dread swept down my chest turning into arrousal as it descended to my groin. I reminded myself that Daddy owned me. He could do whatever he wanted to me whether I liked it or not. That thought only made my cunt burn hotter.

When I finished cleaning the carpet, I sat back up to find him holding the 32oz bottle of water again but screwed onto the top of it, was a baby bottle nipple. My eyes went wide as he set it down and ordered me to sit on the couch. As he tied my legs crossed legged and began duct taping my hands into fisted mittens, I pondered if he really expected me to drink more water. I had already soiled my panties, he didn't expect me to actually use the diaper too, did he???

Then he took the oversized baby bottle and proceeded in taping both of my hands to either side of it. "This is so little girl doesn't drop her bottle and make more of a mess. I know how little girls have a hard time gripping big bottles." he chided. Then taking a strip of duct tape, he cut a slit in it and placed it over my mouth. "This is so you be quiet like a good girl but are still able to drink your bottle." he said. A muffled whine escaped my covered lips. I wondered when the humiliation would end.

Just then, the doorbell rang. I swear my heart stopped. "Oh yes, little girl, I forgot to mention that I invited Jake and Kylie to come by and watch a movie with us. We had such a good time at lunch, I figured we could enjoy more time with them today. What do you think?" Daddy said, smirking. "Mmmf mmf mmfh" I managed to stutter in protest and he shushed me with a finger to my lips. "Just say 'yes daddy' like a good girl" he said. My lips quivering and tears beginning to form in my eyes, I mumbled "mmm mmm-mmm." The door bell rang again and he said "Good girl." as he got up and answered the door.

Jake and Kylie were good friends of ours and they were some of the few friends that knew about and understood our lifestyle without judging. In fact, I think in a lot of ways they were curious. And curious was definitely how I'd describe the looks on their faces as they were welcomed inside and immediately caught glimpses of me on the couch. How would most people react to finding a grown woman stark naked except for a diaper, tied up on the couch, hands taped up to a huge baby bottle, and her mouth taped mostly shut? Well I have to admit I was hoping they'd react by running away but I knew that I was not going to be so lucky.

"Well what have we here?" Jake said as he walked into the room, closer to me. "Was the little girl naughty?" he asked Daddy who replied with "Yes, very naughty. She pissed her big girl panties and made a mess on the carpet after disobeying me by not drinking any water." Kylie walked up to meet Jake, not able to take her eyes off me. "Awwww isn't the wittle girl so cute all tied up in her diedy with her bawtle!" she said to me smiling. I whimpered as more tears fell down my cheeks. My whole body was sweating and hot and my groin was the source of all the heat. "Well now she can't make a mess anymore, isn't that right princess?" Daddy asked. I slowly nodded my head.

Daddy took their attention away from me momentarily to talk about the movie they all wanted to watch and I was left in peace for a few moments. During that short conversation, Kylie would occasionally look over at me and wave her fingers at me like I was a little baby and I tried desperately to blend in with the couch.

Finally after offering them both wine, Daddy motioned for them to sit on the loveseat while he put the movie in and sat next to me on the couch. Before he started the movie, however, he told me loud enough for Jake and Kylie to hear "Ok little girl. I better see that bottle half gone before the previews are done playing. And it better be fully gone before the movie ends or you'll be in even more trouble." he said with a look on his face that meant he was very serious. I whimpered in shame. He really was going to make me soil the dreaded diaper. "And you should probably already be feeling more pressure about now anyway because that pill I gave you earlier was a diarrhetic" he said with a grin.

I had never wished for something so much in my life than to wish he was wrong but as if on cue, my bladder began to nag again. What was I going to do? Daddy wanted me to soil myself in this diaper like a helpless little girl, in front of our friends! I couldn't do this, my whole body ached with dread and I couldn't help but squirm, trying to think of some way out of this situation. But there was none.

"The previews are almost over, hunbun." Daddy said, bringing me back to reality. Alarmed that I had wasted precious time, I swung my arms up to my mouth to try to get the bottle in but failed, I couldn't quite get it in! "Does little girl need help getting her bottle into her mouth?" Kylie asked mockingly. I shamefully and tearfully nodded and she leaned over and helped open the slit in the duct tape slightly while raising my bottle (and arms with it) to my lips. She smiled at me as I started to suck the water through the bottle's nipple.

My shame was already at it's peak, only to find that the current preview was almost over and I had barely gotten any of the water down! I sucked relentlessly at the nipple , trying to get the water to come faster, all the while my bladder was protesting and I clamped my urethral muscles shut as tight as I could. Jake giggled at me and said "Wow little girl is thirsty, isn't she?" I ignored him as I tried to drink more water before the end of the preview but I wasn't going to make it. As the preview was ending, my sucking got louder and more frantic and all three of them were staring at me with the biggest grins on their faces.

The preview ended and to my relief, there was yet another preview. My whole body sighed, relieved. I was finally able to get enough of the water down before that preview finished that I could lower the bottle, breathe a little easier, and concentrate solely on clenching my cunt muscles. I could do this. I could make it through the movie without soiling the diaper. As if reading my thoughts, Daddy leaned over and produced some clover nipple clamps and after clipping one to one nipple, he strung the chain around the bottle and clipped the other end to the matching nipple. My nipples felt like they were two tiny specks of fire, burning and I hadn't even lifted the bottle back to my lips yet. This was not good.

The movie went on for what seemed like forever and I was thankful it was captivating enough to gather all of their attention, temporarily relieving me of at least some humiliation. Throughout the movie, I found myself fading off into a sort of subspace but the pain on my nipples and the burning need to relieve myself always brought me back to the present. Finally I realized I still had more to drink and the movie was almost over! I slowly lifted the bottle to my lips, wincing as the nipple clamps pulled taught by doing so. I could see Daddy watching me from the corner of his eye.

As the movie's ending music began to crescendo and the scene faded to the credits, my sucking on the bottle became frantic again and I learned that too much multitasking is too much for my body to take. Between sucking the bottle, and the burning fire on my tits, and the tightest clenching I've ever given my cunt, it was sensory and concentration overload. Something had to give and I knew it was going to be my bladder. And as soon as I thought it, it happened. I felt my groin flood with a warm wetness as I finished the bottle off and started sobbing uncontrollably.

"Awww I think somebody went peepee!" Kylie said in a baby talk voice. "Yep I see a yellow spot" Jake added and Daddy stroked my hair, saying "Good girl, you finished your bottle." I nodded, my eyes swollen and red from crying. All eyes were on me and I didn't care anymore, I nestled into Daddy as he stroked my hair and the warm wetness in my groin continued as my bladder emptied its contents within.

Daddy made small talk with Jake and Kylie for a little while longer. At some point, Daddy looked at the clock and said "Well I think its way past little girl's bedtime" and pinching his nose, he added "and I think she needs a change too." I buried my head into his shoulder to try to hide my continued embarrassment. Jake and Kylie smiled as they got up and both patted me on the head calling me a good girl. Daddy went with them to the door and when they'd left, he came over and held me tight. I sobbed into his arms again.

"There, there, princess. I'm proud of you. You took that punishment quite well and now you will get your reward." He said, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. He laid me on my back on the bed, with my head hanging off the side. He removed the duct tape from my mouth, and the nipple clamps, and said "Your cunt and ass are way too messy right now so your throat will have to do." Somewhere within the thick wet folds of the diaper, I felt my clit perk up and my pussy clench knowingly. As Daddy fucked my throat relentlessly I lost track of the mix of cum and piss in my diaper. All that mattered was pleasing Daddy.

When he had thoroughly used my throat and many of my own orgasms later, he held me close lying on the bed with him, wiping the tears and spit away from my face. I was an exhausted little girl and I fell asleep in his arms. Amongst his soft "good girl"s, he whispered something before I drifted off to sleep:

"Now remember next time to drink some water."

The blind girl and the patient man

So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.

T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time.  At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.

We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.

In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.

I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.

Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.

That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.

But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.

I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)

That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.

The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)

Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.

I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.

But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)

Saturday, December 17, 2011


Another poem for Daddy

We met early on, we both felt changed
merely causal play, you bided your time
I was so worried about getting too close
but you worried about your heart too
You were busy picking up pieces
while I explored new experiences.
I dated another while your heart broke
you hid your feelings, my heart was blind
We still grew ever closer, exploring sex
you were so wary while I jumped feet first.
We started dating, you brought me flowers
writing heartfelt words into cards
my eyes could only cry tears of joy.
I would cling to you, then step back
so used to being pushed away
but instead you drew me ever closer
whispering to me, words so good to hear.
My eyes have never known so many tears
without the sadness attached so tight
stars and hearts floating from a smile.
And even still after all that time
I'd go too far, cringing in fear
waiting for you to be overwhelmed
like so many others who left me behind
But you held me tight, said you loved me
and that you'd take care of me too.
The hurt inside from many before
spills out sometimes, baring my soul
but you're right there, arms open
with understanding eyes and willing smile.
Daddy you are my loving handsome prince
this princess' heart is truly yours.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Piece of my Heart

He speaks softly, whispering with intensity
selective desires overlapping with my own
his fluid motions display skill and experience
confident bonds with cautious undertones.
He hesitates slightly, enjoying the moment
an open mind filled with understanding
his wisdom has already proven its worth
passionate exertion meets excitable manner.
He gives freely, an honest communication
with sociable and friendly interactions;
his affectionate demeanor alights my heart
as happy rain drops are wiped away.
He treats me rightly, romantic intentions
incipient lady of his own heart
his handsome smile can make me blush
with muscles that make me shiver.
He cuddles softly with teddy bear talent
one of the services he loves to provide
his imminent laughter shows sense of humor
accessible easily without someone's expense.
I've known him as 'friend' for a many few months
someone to share with and to have fun
but the closer we get, each day that goes by
he owns another piece of my heart.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Edit: I should probably preface this post and catch everyone up. A previous post on another blog which was duplicated as a journal entry on Fetlife never made it to this blog. It essentially explained that I felt the need to give up actively dating and start exploring my passions and maybe the right person would come along at some point. It was a recognition that I needed to start enjoying life instead being so involved in dating that it became a chore.

A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.

In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.

A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.

Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.

It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.

Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Eager Needy Struggles

As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.

Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.

All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.

In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.

And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.

For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.

I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.

It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle. 

While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.

So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:
1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive
Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

Monday, September 5, 2011

The knot in my stomach

I've recently been under consideration of a dominant man. We've been trying to take it slow but over the last two weekends, we've spent a lot of time together. I've communicated when I've felt good about how things are as well as when I had concerns and he's handled that communication in a very understanding way.

As a person, he seems both experienced and educated while not being too quick to react to things but instead thinking them through. Even though he seems to find me intensely attractive, he hasn't acted on those desires yet and instead has proven that he is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person first. I've pleasantly watched his demeanor when meeting some of my friends in the lifestyle and liked seeing that he was very personable and welcoming.

As of yet, we have not played in a scene but I have still enjoyed some little interactions with him: when he randomly pinches me to make me squeal or squirm, grabbing my hair and pulling me to him, or grabbing me and pulling me back down when I try to leave the bed before he says I can. Most surprising to me, the few times he has very seriously demanded I not argue or interrupt him, I have reacted positively and respectfully. I think I may actually be reaching a part of me that enjoys 'being put in my place'.

So when he says "I want to talk to you about some more behavior modifications", why do I suddenly feel so defensive and closed off? And why do I feel so worried or upset about what he could be wanting to modify? Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for where I fit in the midst of things and then I feel like I'm questioning everything all over again. Why can't I just let that roll off my shoulders and remember that if something doesn't sit well with me, I still have a choice? Or even more importantly, that maybe this life isn't for me? Why can't the knot in my stomach remember all of that?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Understanding Discipline

"We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment." -Jim Rohn
I've been pondering the concepts of discipline and punishment for a while now. When I first started getting involved in the community, my main interests were purely sexual. I imagined being tied up and fucked and used in the bedroom and then returning to a normal looking vanilla girlfriend/boyfriend relationship for the rest of the time. Terms like 24x7 or Master/slave loomed over me like thunderclouds and I denied being interested in any of that. In my past, I would have put things I don't understand into a box and left them alone but nowadays, I try to get a better handle on things I don't understand and only then, make judgements about whether I fit into those categories or not.

When I started blogging about this journey, I began reading the blogs of other submissive women as well. I've seen a plethora of 24x7, D/s, Master/slave, and even other mixes of the dynamics in between. I've beared witness to punishments, heard instances of spanking for pleasure, even to the point of orgasm, and read about rules that many live under.

It was actually a fictional story by one of the bloggers I read that caught my attention more than anything. In the story, the woman is considering becoming a certain man's submissive/slave and he asks her what things in her life she wishes she could accomplish but never gets around to. She's of course embarrassed about it but admits to all kinds of things she just doesn't make time for from body image to passions in life.

Reading about that completely struck me. Aren't there things in my own life that I just get lazy about but I really do want for myself? Of course! And I made a list:
* Having a flat tummy
* Getting enough sleep
* Keep my apartment clean
* Not texting and driving
Those are just the most obvious ones but I'm sure there are more. So why don't I do those? Why can't I bring myself to accomplish or adhere to those things? I think it's merely a lack of motivation and willpower. So in a D/s relationship, it can be putting the motivation and willpower in the hands of the dominant where the submissive may lack those qualities.

And suddenly discipline as a concept started to make some sense. It isn't all about punishment but more appropriately about adhering to certain rules and guidelines for the betterment of one's self. Of course there can be more to it, depending on the relationship and the players involved. I can already imagine some more playful "rules" where the only intention would be to remind one of their submission to someone else and some of that may have a humiliating effect as well.

With that in mind, I came up with some rules that I am curious about as an example:
Constructive Rules:
* having a bedtime
* getting up with enough time to get ready
* doing laundry right away, not letting it sit for days
* clean apartment/bathrooms semi-weekly
* keep bills/statements filed away instead of stacked around
* some kind of workout regimen required

Playful rules (some of which may have a temporary duration)
* asking permission to use the restroom
* asking permission to come and/or masturbate
* having my underwear picked out for me
* always wearing a collar/necklace/anklet (stealth)
* wearing buttplugs under clothes
* wearing no panties under clothes
Once I understood about discipline itself, I began to ponder how realistic it would be to keep to any of these rules. Some would say that's where punishment comes into the picture. Yet I've heard others argue that wanting to please a dominant should be motivation enough.

In my journey so far, I've mostly experienced what it's like to be a bottom for a scene. It's all been pretty light hearted, playful, and short. Thus I have only experienced impact play in a consensual atmosphere, not in any form of actual punishment. In fact, every time I try to imagine really being punished physically, it takes me back to when I was a child and my dad spanked me when I did something wrong. Part of me likes that feeling, being put in my place, especially as a little girl, and yet the "independent adult" part of me severely fights any such ideas, knowing full well that by government law, I do not need to submit to any authority in such a manner.

And yet it still amazes me that even part of me wants it. That even a part of me wants to be put in my place, to submit to an intimate authority figure, to give up actual rights....not just for play or for sex but for the betterment of myself and for love of the other person. And that segways into my next thought. I can't see trying to make this kind of discipline and/or punishment work with someone I don't feel very intimately involved with. I mean if I do something wrong and it's a brand new relationship, will I still submit to a punishment? I have to admit that I'd be less likely to do so without that intimate bond and trust already in place. Of course the alternative is walking away but again if it's early on, what really has been lost in doing so?

I speak of course of my own thoughts and how I think it might work for me and that in no way says this is how it works for anyone else. But I suspect many may relate.

I want to conclude this post by acknowledging the quote I put at the top of the post. It's a quote I happened upon when I was looking for quotes about regret and yet it really fit with my thoughts on discipline. In life, whether it's bdsm, D/s, or vanilla....relationships, work, or free time, it really rings true: either we experience discipline or we experience regret. I don't know if I'll ever find the right man for the amount of trust and patience I feel would be needed for this type of dynamic but if I do, it will be an interesting exploration.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Once again, I just wanted to take the time to give a shoutout to my newest followers:

Anaheim Pepper

Thank you all for joining me on this journey! =) Feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments =)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Spanked to Tears

Last night I cried. It was a first for me, not because I had never cried before (far from it!) but because it was my first time crying in a scene.

Beforehand, I had told Z that if I cried it was definitely not a sign that he needed to stop the scene. I wanted to cry. I needed that release. And simply talking about it , I almost felt like bursting into tears right then. Not because of him or even anything in my current everyday life but an emotional hurt inside me.

He tied me to the rack with my back to him and my arms outstretched above me and began simply spanking my ass. It started out light of course, as he warmed me up but soon got heavier. My whines and moans began pretty quickly. It's an odd sound I make...not a's more like a moan...and when something hurts even more, it starts out sounding like a moan and turns into a high pitched whine.

I had worn a thong that that night, baring my ass more than I have in the past and yet I found even still, I was much more closer to screaming when he hit the tops of my thighs than anything else.

At some point in the scene, I began mentally using what I call my "crying words". Things I know I can tell myself that aren't necessarily true that will either make me cry or make me cry harder because they really emotionally hurt.

Examples: "My parents don't love me", "I'm sorry I failed you, Mom and Dad", "I broke the family apart", "I let you down", "I failed you", "I deserve this for what I did", "Mom's health is failing because of me", and lots more. In a way, it was less about words and more about feelings of hurt and guilt.

At one point my mind was back to when I was a kid and my dad used to spank us when we had done something wrong. He'd look us in the eye and ask us why we were getting spanked and we'd have to re-iterate what we'd done wrong, between tears of anticipation. Then he'd have us pull our pants down and bend over his knee and he'd spank us with his bare hand. Hard, fast, strong. We'd wiggle and squirm and cry but there was no getting away. I always remembered afterward, feeling relieved that it was over and knowing I would try my best to never do whatever it was I had done...again.

With all of this happening in my head, tears came to my eyes. My moans and whines were mixed with small quiet sobs. At one point, Z stopped and realized he'd really done some damage to my left cheek. He asked me how I was doing and whether I wanted to continue and I told him he should probably even it out and make the other cheek match lol.

More sobbing, whining, moaning. By the time he stopped again, I was definitely feeling a sense of release. I think I really wanted to cuddle at that point but it was early and I didn't want to be done yet. So when he asked how I was doing, I said I had learned my lesson but maybe he could hogtie me and tickle me. Some much lighter play was definitely in order.

Tying, smiling, tickling, laughing, giggling, squirming, screaming, bunny hopping, shrieking all commenced in the usual fashion that my tickling scenes seem to happen nowadays and another hour went by. When it was over, I was pooped. Z untied me and we cuddled for a while and then it was time to get dressed, help him ravel up rope, and clean up. I visited with some of the other folk there and one of my friends made smirking comments like "Wow you need a ball gag" and "Sounded like he was playing with a monkey!". I just smiled and blushed.

After visiting for a little bit, I decided I was ok to drive and needed to get home to my bed. Not without staring at my ass in the mirror, mouth agape. I think that's the heaviest marks I've ever had and it was just his hand this time.

All-in-all, it was a good experience. It's the first time I processed pain that way before. I've had things in my life that were painful physically and they triggered an emotional response like that before...but they were always unexpected. This was more planned. I don't think it's the way I will always approach an impact scene though. There may come a point where the impact is much faster and painful and crying words wont necessarily be needed. I just don't know if I can really take that kind of pain yet.

I do still like approaching spanking from a more light hearted and playful angle as well. There's something attractive about having my butt turn a nice shade of red and feeling warm. Plus there's something in me that longs to submit to a special man in my life. Whether it's punishment or "funishment", it's still at least partially attractive to me in that dynamic. There's something very submissive and little girl about it.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

End of the Innocence

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on's only good for wallowing in." -Katherine Mansfield

So I've been handling my latest escapade fairly well. It helps that the hangover has run it's course. I've been given a lot of things to think about by my many friends in the community and I'm slowly processing it all.

They've told me that I haven't changed as a person, that I haven't lost anything really tangible, and that I should merely learn from this and move on. Yet I think I have changed as a person, even if only slightly. Having sex for the first time like that, experiencing what I had held off experiencing for so long, has indeed changed me. I think I was able to hold off having sex for so long partially because I hadn't actually felt what it was like. Now that I have, I am experiencing an intense desire to feel it again and my old dating rules that required an exclusive relationship for such acts....are fading.

Mind you, this doesn't mean that I suddenly want to have sex with every man I see. As someone else said, sometimes we have to take a small step back, not start taking giant leaps backward or forward. Before this event happened, I had started considering the possibility of adding sexual acts to scenes with a willing top so it was already beginning to be thought of. It's just now become much more than a possibility in my frame of view. I also have to admit that I kind of want to get together with the same guy and have another go, but sober this time; even if that's the last time with him.

A couple nights ago, when I was in bed, I cried some more. Part of me so dearly wanted to go back to the point in that night where I put my dress back on and was about to leave. I could have called someone, so many friends would have gladly picked me up, or I could have just taken a cab. I could have also called a cab instead of going to his house in the first place. I could have abstained from drinking altogether. I could have told him that it was nice meeting him but that I needed to get home after the first bar. So many 'could haves'. The pain I was feeling was a very intense regret.

Regret is something I have tried for the most part to live without. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I have taken them very seriously and tried not to dwell on them....too much. Still it's never easy.

I've learned something new about myself and once again I'm changing. It's not the first time and it won't be the last...and yet as humans, we always seem to have such a hard time with change. Yet it's quite inevitable. I still don't fully know what this means for me yet. I think when it comes to dating, I'll probably still not plan to have sex on the first date but it may be something I want to do sooner than I have considered in the past.

The other thing I need to consider more now is safer sex. I guess I didn't think about it much before because sex was something that I tried not to engage in before I was exclusive with someone and in my mind, that usually included STD testing on both our parts.

This also sheds new light on my views on polyamory. Although I have to remind myself that being sexually open does not equate to practicing poly (although everyone does it differently). I still have hopes for meeting my One someday but at the same time I've started to appreciate qualities in different people as well.

All-in-all, change seems to be on the horizon and I'm ready to adapt, without looking back in regret. With that in mind, while nothing tangible was actually lost, it does seem to be an end of innocence and a coming of age; almost in time for my 30th birthday. ;)

"If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today." -Unknown

Monday, August 22, 2011

Virgin's First One Night Stand

I usually take dating pretty seriously. I like when a guy comes out to my town for the first date and meets me at a coffee shop and we can get to know each other a little bit in an easygoing environment. For the most part, I don't get sexually involved until the third or fourth date and/or we have approached a mutual agreement on our relationship. Mind you, I have been known to approach things differently on occasion and it usually jumps up and bites me and I retreat back to my safe way dating.

Well yesterday, I once again journeyed out of my comfort zone and met a guy at a bar in downtown Seattle. My reasoning for this was that I would be in Seattle anyway for Rope Enthusiasts Group. We met at the Whiskey bar and each shared a couple drinks and enjoyed each other's company but it was still early. He suggested we take a cab up to Captiol Hill and visit some other places up there and I agreed because I liked what I saw so far and wanted to continue enjoying his company.

What resulted was three more bars, three more drinks, and three more shots which of course equated to me being completely plastered. At some point leading up to that, he started getting more touchy-feely and I was definitely welcoming it. His arm around me here, him pulling me onto his lap there, even sneaking kisses here and there. Warning bells probably should have been going off in my head because again, I don't usually get that physical so quickly. It probably didn't help that he was an attractive black guy with muscles that made me swoon. After my last drink at the last bar, my memory gets a little fuzzy on what happened.

I remember being too drunk to even think about driving home. I remember him saying we could take a cab back to his place and we could cuddle. I remember being worried about my car being towed if I wasn't back by 1am. I remember crying and being a bit of an emotional wreck. I don't remember arriving at his place or removing my underwear. I do remember giving him head. I also remember turning my head and puking over the side of the bed because my gag reflex was much more sensitive because of the alcohol. I do remember that once I found out that what he meant by 'cuddle' was to have sex with me, I resisted, put my dress back on, and started to leave. I don't remember why I stayed. I do remember him having both vaginal and anal sex with me and that I enjoyed both the pain and pleasure involved. I also remember him telling me to be quiet because I couldn't contain my moans of pain or pleasure.

At some point during the night, between getting up to drink water, going to the bathroom, forcing myself to vomit, I must have gotten some sleep. He held me close and I didn't know what to feel except my pounding head and aching stomach. And yet I still wanted him. Again. Maybe it was because I had already done it, I was no longer a virgin, so how could doing it again be any worse? He was spooning me and I was able to arouse him enough by moving my butt up against him and after a short time, he took that as a cue. He took his hand and massaged the area of my clitoris and then rubbed his cock along my ass and my pussy back and forth, waiting for me to moisten up.

I have to admit to hoping he'd put it in my ass again because the anal from the night before was more memorable. Then again, I've always fantasized about anal anyway. He eventually placed me on my back and got on top of me, spread my legs wide and put his cock in my pussy. It didn't go in easy and it was definitely at least partially painful but he kept going and as he set into a rhythm the pleasure outweighed the pain and I wrapped both my arms and legs around him. After a few minutes he was obviously getting close and asked if it was ok if he came inside me and I said he did. We both went back to sleep again for a while and at some point, I finally got up and called a cab.

It's hard to say what was going through my head at that point. I felt a mixture of satisfaction, yearning for more, and yet sadness as well. There's also of course the stupidity of not using safe sex. I may have gotten lucky this time because we both are clean but I won't really know that for sure until I get retested again in a few months.

It wasn't until the cabbie mentioned that if he's with a girl that's drunk, he won't touch her, that the word rape ever even came to mind. And suddenly the sadness started overwhelming me. If I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have had sex with a guy I only just met. I would not have lost my virginity to a guy that I will probably never see again. I know these things to be fact. And now I'm caught up in a turmoil of emotions. I liked the sex. I liked his body. I want more. And I showed that by followup sex in the morning that was most definitely consensual. Yet I know I don't just want sex, I need so much more. I need love, I need romance....along with the sex. And now I feel a little cheap, like a prostitute used for a one night stand. And yet a part of me still craves more of the same.

There was definitely a point where my submissive side stepped in last night and I gave my all to him. Yet I don't want to give that to just some guy I met that day. I want it to be special, to mean so much more than that. But now that I've given that for the first time, I feel like a barrier has dropped. My sexual boundaries that I held so strong to for so long are falling away and I'm scared. I don't want to take this and let everything go.

I'm changed forever now and I don't know what that means to me quite yet.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Ok so a couple more followers , I thought I'd give you all a shoutout ;) Besides, I have yet to formulate a new blog post so this will have to do *giggle*.

Mr Stive

Welcome all of you to my blog! And thanks for joining me on my journey =)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Tied up, Tickled, and Spanked

Tuesday night was the Zenith party at the Center. I had scheduled a scene with a top (we'll call him Z) that has tied me up a couple times before with very light play so I felt very comfortable with him.

Z and I conversed for a while and I tried to be social with others but I found it hard to contain my eagerness to begin and I think that amused Z. Surprisingly he had a lot of things in mind that I was interested in but I hadn't expected and that made me even more excited. These things included duct-tape gags and some impact play.

We setup the space and he started to get out his rope while I stripped my dress and bra off. First, he tied a quick chest harness on me (it makes my boobs look bigger, I swear lol). Then he took an extra long piece of rope and began tying it around me using simple lark's head knots. His plan was to try a mummification-like tie and the closer he got to being finished, the more I wondered if I'd be able to keep my balance. I ended up taking my shoes off at one point because that was just a long time standing in heels.

The initial rope loosely mummified me with my hands to my sides and my legs and ankles together and he went over it all a second time with more rope, cinching it down between my arms and my sides and between my legs. It felt pretty secure and you can imagine that I was all smiles. =) Z had a guy help him lower me to the ground and I started to squirm a little to get my bearings. I was surprised to find that I still had some flexibility.

He then tied a blindfold on me and proceeded in some tickle play. That was probably the main form of play for the scene. Throughout the night, he'd find my ticklish areas and I'd squirm and giggle and protest and well that kind of thing. =) At some point, he decided to try duct tape over my mouth and I have to say, I really like that way too much. It's not even a sensory deprivation thing necessarily but not being able to speak and hearing my own muffled moans has a profound effect anyway.

More tickling ensued and a few times, I was on my tummy and he straddled me so I couldn't move/squirm very much and he'd find the really ticklish spots and send me into a frantic squirm and muffled moaning/laughing/screaming. I can't help but love being in that frantic helplessness. It brings on a special heightened headspace.

A couple times, the blindfold started to come off and he didn't notice and I'd try to tell him but was reminded by my mouth being unable to move that I could not speak lol. That was quite an interesting feeling. Eventually he would see it needed to be adjusted and either fix it or ask and I'd nod. We had negotiated that if things were not going well for me in any way that I'd shake my hands back and forth frantically and if everything was ok , I'd make my fingers into the "A-OK" symbol. Also, many times during the scene, he'd remark something  like "Good girl" and that made me giddy every time.

The ropes shifted a lot during the scene and he tried some hair bondage which actually helped keep the blindfold on better. A few times, I lifted my legs behind me above my butt and put my wrists behind me from within the ropes they were already in. He chuckled to himself and acknowledged that he understood what I was trying to communicate to him....essentially that a hogtie on top of what was already tied, would be fun. And he of course obliged.I also tried my usual tricks, trying to get up onto my knees and even my feet so I could hop around....but I couldn't seem to keep my balance. I also was able to do a shoulder stand a couple times and that was kinda funny and Z said he was impressed lol.

At some point during the scene, he either asked or just went ahead with some impact play, I forget which. Either way, my fingers went up into the A-OK position fast enough. =) He started out with some light wand of some sort and just very lightly tapping it on my butt. I thought it was cute. Then suddenly out of nowhere, there would be a WHAP that would leave a slight sting on my butt. He switched it up like that interplaying light taps with surprise heavier ones and the heavier ones kept catching me off guard and I'd squirm and giggle or moan.

I haven't done a lot of impact play so this was new to me and I liked it. I liked the sting, I liked the surprise effect as well. He switched back to tickle play some more and then asked if I wanted more impact play and my hands said A-OK. =) Then he said something like "I can use what i was using before or maybe just my hand" and my hands immediately went to A-OK and I nodded and he seemed pleased at that.

He proceeded to spank my butt with his bare hand this time, again lightly like before, with heavier slaps intermixed, each one surprising me with its sudden intense sting. I'd squirm sometimes and my legs would shake and he'd check in with me to make sure that wasn't a sign that it was too much and each time my A-OK confirmed that what he was doing was great. =)

He alternated cheeks and hands and started to give me more and more heavier swats and I had no qualms about it. The lighter spanks kind of tickled and made me giggle (they were kind of cute) and then the heavier ones made me moan. But all of it was very welcome.

In that space, I found myself surprised that I liked this so much...surprised that I wouldn't have minded if he sped it up and added in more heavier swats. I also found myself getting extreme pleasure from the spanking in general. In fact, I started thinking that with the right person in a romantic setting and the right rhythm, I could maybe even orgasm from it.

A couple times, he asked if I was doing ok or if he should stop and I made it pretty clear that everything was A-OK. =) The tail end of the scene was purely me being spanked for a good amount of time.

I don't remember exactly how it ended. I think we both came to a place where we were satisfied and we knew it was late. He took the duct tape off carefully and started untying me in places. In other places, I was able to slip out and I just laid there with the blindfold on, sighing in contentment. He went and got a blanket for me and I snuggled in it laying there while he finished untying the ropes left on my ankles.

At some point, I took the blindfold off and laid there a little longer before finally getting up and getting dressed again. I hugged Z and thanked him. I also suggested an idea that just occurred to me...that maybe next time he could tie me to the spanking bench hehe.

On the way home, I reveled in my contentment and newfound relief in knowing I could go through a scene like that without worrying about unwanted emotions or attachment.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Welcome new followers!

Well wow I noticed today I have some new followers so I thought I'd give them a shout out:


Welcome all and thanks for joining me on this journey =)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Helplessness: Sexual yet Soulful

 A lot of D/s and M/s topics and issues have been going through my head lately. I am hoping to expand upon them as I ponder them and research them in future blog posts but in the meantime, they've brought up another issue. I started exploring kink with the idea that it was something sexual to add to a relationship. That's what it would be for me. Something only in the bedroom.

I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.

Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.

That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.

Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.

Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.

A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sunday's Rope Events

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this experience or not. Really, there isn't too much to tell but it's still worth mentioning.

Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.

That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.

I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.

And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.

I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.

We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.

One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)

So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)

The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.

He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)

Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.

It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.

I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.

He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.

They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.

So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Bordering on Poly

I made a joke the other day with a friend. I said "You know, if I end up playing with a few service tops regularly, even if it's all non-sexual, I'll kind of be acting poly". She laughed at that because she really wants to convert me to Poly.

That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.

What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.

Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.

Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.

One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.

And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.

That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?

My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?

I don't know.

For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.