Eager Needy Struggles

As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.

Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.

All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.

In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.

And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.

For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.

I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.

It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle. 

While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.

So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.

Do past hurts translate to presently needed pain?

In my exploration of bdsm so far, I've been attracted to both submission and helplessness in the bedroom. I haven't taken a huge interest in pain but it does pique my interest, especially within the throws of helplessness.

That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.

Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.

I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.

Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?

Bound Again

It's dark, pitch black
but voices all around
my limbs are entangled
amidst rope and hemp
tightly bound
I can only squirm and wiggle
ever so slightly.
I'm helpless and at their mercy
why does that feel so welcoming?
They prod and laugh
and whisper in my ear
they roughly take me by my hair
and I am defenseless.
My heart is overtaken
by a torrent of bliss
giggling, whimpering, sighing
I can't help but smile
as others around me
make remarks.
It's peaceful in this place
yet exciting as well
I'm high as a kite
but even as it is undone
slowly the longing
in the depths of my soul
like a long-refused addiction
rekindles, re-sparking
the need in my loins
desire in my heart.
And now my whole body
so completely aches
to be bound again.