Moving in

So Daddy and I are moving in together. Wow! I'm so excited I can barely think about anything else. It's going to be happening by the end of the month too, which once again shows that once I put my mind to something, there's no reason to keep waiting. =)

Originally we had planned to take things a bit more slow. Although he had suggested months ago that eventually it might be nice if I could move in and feel a bit of a release from the heavy rent and utility costs I pay, my main concern at the time was the commute to work. He lives about 20-30 minutes farther away from my work than I currently do and that's without traffic. So we had started to look at condos and apartments but it was going to be quite a decision with lots of variables to worry about for not just moving into a new place but moving out of his current house.

It seemed it would be another year or more before we could finally live together and I knew this when I renewed my apartment lease last month. I've been spending more time with him at his place recently and for some reason the other day it just hit me. I couldn't wait that long. I needed to be with him. I see him 2-4 times a week but even being apart from him as little as I am, it often has felt like the grand canyon of time spans in between visits.

Frankly, my friends have suffered as well. New relationship energy is known for taking someone away from their friends only to spend more time with a new and exciting partner. I guess I'm hoping that by living together and seeing him everyday, it will free up some time for me to hang out with some of my friends a little more as well. 

So the other day we ended up discussing how it could work in detail. I'd move in and we'd still figure things out over the next couple years. We would make his place our home but we would also keep the idea in the back of our mind that in a year or two, we may want to move somewhere else. I worked out the commute issues by deciding to work an earlier shift to avoid traffic and it looks like breaking my lease won't be terribly burdensome, even in the worst case scenario. So over the next couple weeks, I'll be packing and downsizing a bit and finally moving.

It will be interesting living together. The many facets of our relationship already have very blurry boundaries in between them. Seeing each other everyday is going to blur those boundaries even more, I think. Though we've already run into a few landmines because of that, we have yet to have a real argument. I've lived with people before and I know that if there was ever a time to get into arguments, it would be after moving in together. That being said, I think we're both ready. We're committed, in love, and willing to work through whatever comes our way.

Two of a Kind

I meet you at the door and rush into your arms
you hold me and kiss me and smile so wide
We step outside and you lock my front door
arm-in-arm, happy feet match our smiles
You open the door and I get in your car
teddy bears inside all greet me with smiles
The radio knows the songs of our hearts
you laugh as teddy bear legs sing along
I'm your princess and you are my Daddy
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You lovingly caress every part of my skin
while I squirm and giggle and moan
you bind me in knots of rope and love
making my heart flutter and my pussy ache
your hands find their way into my hair
and the collar on my neck presses in
you fuck me to bliss and spank me to tears
I've given up my control to you in many ways
I'm your submissive, you're my master
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You see the reality where I see dreams
my doubt and your hope, shake hands
your mature complements my playful
my helplessness balances your control
our dedication, compromise, and trust
lay the foundation of this relationship
Your strong body and my fragile frame
are like perfect puzzle pieces made to fit
We are partners in this place we call life
destined to be special, two of a kind.

Our First Valentine's Day Together

Daddy and I had a wonderful Valentine's Day evening. The night was started by me going to the gym to do yoga. When I got back from yoga, I saw Daddy's car outside (I think he'd just arrived). I was tempted to run over to him but I decided he probably wanted to bring flowers to my door so I'd best instead hurry up to my apartment, which I did. I then began hurriedly changing from yoga clothes back into the nice red dress I'd worn to work that day.

When Daddy came to the door, I was not quite ready yet but I answered the door and he had a bouquet of roses/flowers in his hand. I smiled and hugged him close and kissed him. I hadn't seen him in a whole three days! I went back to getting ready and when I came back out, he had set a card on the counter and on the envelope it was marked in big letters: PRINCESS.

I then gave him my present, a sonnet I had written for him, framed with a picture of us from our Bed and Breakfast trip last month, and of course a card marked Daddy. We both ended up reading our cards at the same time and between the card saying that I was "the perfect woman for [him]" and his own writing inside the card saying I was "the best girlfriend [he's] ever had", my eyes were brimming with tears. I went over and put my arms around him as he read the rest of my card and all the writing I had written inside. Then Daddy popped the cork on a bottle of Cupcake champagne and we toasted to a glass before we left for dinner.

When we went down to the car, before we got in, I slipped off my black panties and handed them to Daddy, who seemed a bit surprised. I couldn't help but giggle. But then I was the one who was surprised when I saw there was yet ANOTHER bouquet of roses/flowers and ANOTHER card in his car, this one marked LITTLE GIRL. I might very well have squeee'd with joy. =) Daddy helped me into the car as I juggled the flowers, the card, my clutch, and the teddy bear that always rides with me in his car. And then we zoomed off.

We arrived at the Keg and found a fairly close parking spot in a very busy lot; luck was working well for us that night. I was glad because the new heels I had purchased for the occasion were not the most comfortable and needed to be broken in. We went inside and were seated after only a short wait time, thanks to our reservation. The waiter was great, the food was magnificent, and the best part of the whole meal was simply being there together; I think we both can agree on that.

By the time we were in the car driving back to my place, we realized it had been two whole hours at dinner; that surprised both of us because the time had just flown by. When we got home, he took the panties I'd given him out of his pocket and stuffed them into my mouth and walked me up to my apartment. He removed the panties and I found another vase and put the second set of flowers into it and set it next to the first vase. Daddy said he had to go use the restroom and brush his teeth but then he had 'plans' for tonight. I smiled knowingly; I had been hoping he'd need a moment so I could sneak away, slip out of my dress and into a brand new purple babydoll that we'd talked about previously.

When I walked out of the bedroom to find him in the living room, I only had the babydoll on and nothing else. He seemed pretty pleased about that. He said he was going to brush my hair so he said to get him a hair brush. I went and got the paddle brush I have and he seemed quite amused that it was called a 'paddle' brush. I giggled at that too, having not really thought about it before.

He sat on the couch and had me sit with my back to him in between his legs on the floor and he brushed my hair, eventually brushing them and securing them into two side pigtails. I have to admit that I wondered how it would look with Daddy doing it but later in the evening, when I saw myself in the mirror, I was astonished to find that I looked quite adorable. He did a good job. He then proceeded in turning me around and grabbing me by the pigtails and forcing my mouth down on his cock. He pushed me all the way down to where I couldn't breathe and counted to ten and then let me up. I took a big breath and he did it again.

Then Daddy got up and told me "I don't often give you actual 'orders' but tonight I'm ordering you to stay on all fours for the evening". I swear my pussy clenched at the thought and I nodded and said "yes Daddy". He then proceeded to take out some old beat up high heels and some electrician's tape and began taping my hands into the heels.

When he was done I had heels for hands and could not get them off. Then he tied a tight collar with a cowbell on it around my neck and connected a thick leash to it. He half drug me to my second bedroom and drug me around the room while I tried to explain what parts of the room I had cleaned for him a few days before. Then he drug me back to the living room again. I've been drug/led around by a collar before but it's usually been rather loose...it was kind of a nice feeling having it feel so much tighter.

I then sat there on all fours and watched as he readied a few things. He got a pad of paper and a pen out and put on a purple rubber glove (which he usually fingered my cunt with). I was a bit confused as to what his plan was until he produced a little squishy baseball.

"Alright princess, tonight's your night." he said and suddenly I knew what was going to happen. He had previously talked about doing a scene where he would throw a ball and I would have to fetch it on all fours, bring it back to him with it in my mouth, and do a yoga move (keeping it in my mouth) that would show him my cunt. He said if I did this twelve times with twelve different yoga moves successfully, he would give me a really good cunt pounding but if I failed, he would give me a good punishment. All in all, I wondered whether winning or losing was better but I wanted to do my best for Daddy.

As he threw the ball across the room, I scrambled after it, grabbing it with my mouth, and quickly crawling back to him, half smiling, half blushing. I then did the first yoga move and found out what the glove was for as he used it to violate my cunt a few times before I could come out of the move and give him the ball back. He had me put my back to him and watch the ball so I knew where it went and he threw it again. Indeed, we did this twelve times and somehow I managed to do twelve different yoga moves, although doing some of them (tripod headstand for instance) with heels on my hands were quite difficult and Daddy did oblige in helping hold me up for those. One of the times, I put the ball into his shoe and brought his shoe back....we both laughed at that.

I really surprised myself. I didn't feel as humiliated as I thought I would and I think there may have been a few factors to that. One, I wanted to please Daddy and there was no end to smiling and laughing on his part every time I came back with the ball in my mouth. Two, it was just the two of us there so in a way, it was just between us and so less humiliating. Three, I had been given at least a month to think about this scene and plan for it. When he'd first told me about it, I did not like the idea at all but over time, I became more and more ok with it.

And so when he set down a dog bowl of cheerios, telling me to eat some, I did so willingly as well. I did feel silly and I did feel degraded and humiliated to a point but not very much, probably for similar reasons as above. Daddy told me I'd done a great job and so he said it was time for my reward. He started off by wetting his cock with my throat some and then he turned me around and on my hands and knees, head laying against the couch, he fucked me doggy style. How appropriate. =)

After that, he had me lay on my back with my legs up in the air and tried to pound my cunt good from there but we had trouble with the floor and my hands were timing out from being in the heels for so long. So he cut the tape off the heels, once again connected a leash to my collar and let me into the bedroom. There he had me lay on my back with my head hanging off the side of the bed and he stood over me, pushing his cock into my mouth and down my throat.

I took his cock all the way down and tried not to breathe but that of course only goes so long, when I had to breathe again I tried to move my head down to back my throat/mouth away and could barely get it out enough to slightly breathe but I could not get it all the way out. God that was hot. He did that for a few more minutes but then when I felt like it was going to go too far (and maybe a little something did come up but I swallowed it again), I turned my head to the side to get his cock all the way out and began panting. Steak dinner and alcohol do not make for a good combination for a puke-less deep throat session so we decided not to chance it more.

He moved my head back to the pillow, put my legs up in the air and began fucking my cunt relentlessly again. As he did so, he sucked on my neck and I moaned all the louder. He whispered in my ear about an enema scene we've been talking about, going into great detail and turning me on even more. At some point, he moved back and pulled me along with him and we changed positions such that I was on top of him. He helped me get a rhythm going up and down on his cock and God it felt so good. Every time I came down on his cock, my clit smacked right against him too so when he started sucking on my nipples too, I was in heaven. I remember thinking to myself "Oh God I can't stop" and that made it even hotter.

I must have been doing something right because though Daddy might have had other plans, he ended up coming inside my cunt that way. I slowed down to stop and we held each other for a few minutes before getting up. As I got ready for bed, I was surprised with how much my cunt hurt. I had never felt my cunt so sore in my life. I might have needed some lube near the end of that last bit there. Then I noticed that my knees were very much red with rugburn. I put aloe on them and took an ibuprofen and we cuddled into bed and fell asleep.

So as you can see it was quite the Valentine's Day for us. =)

The blind girl and the patient man

So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.

T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time.  At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.

We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.

In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.

I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.

Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.

That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.

But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.

I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)

That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.

The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)

Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.

I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.

But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)

Yours

Another poem for Daddy

We met early on, we both felt changed
merely causal play, you bided your time
I was so worried about getting too close
but you worried about your heart too
You were busy picking up pieces
while I explored new experiences.
I dated another while your heart broke
you hid your feelings, my heart was blind
We still grew ever closer, exploring sex
you were so wary while I jumped feet first.
We started dating, you brought me flowers
writing heartfelt words into cards
my eyes could only cry tears of joy.
I would cling to you, then step back
so used to being pushed away
but instead you drew me ever closer
whispering to me, words so good to hear.
My eyes have never known so many tears
without the sadness attached so tight
stars and hearts floating from a smile.
And even still after all that time
I'd go too far, cringing in fear
waiting for you to be overwhelmed
like so many others who left me behind
But you held me tight, said you loved me
and that you'd take care of me too.
The hurt inside from many before
spills out sometimes, baring my soul
but you're right there, arms open
with understanding eyes and willing smile.
Daddy you are my loving handsome prince
this princess' heart is truly yours.

Jaded

Edit: I should probably preface this post and catch everyone up. A previous post on another blog which was duplicated as a journal entry on Fetlife never made it to this blog. It essentially explained that I felt the need to give up actively dating and start exploring my passions and maybe the right person would come along at some point. It was a recognition that I needed to start enjoying life instead being so involved in dating that it became a chore.

A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.

In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.

A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.

Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.

It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.

Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Torrential Pleasure

There's a burning inside me
a potential raging fire
with deep intense needs
to be taken, and forced
yet loved so completely
it bubbles up in my body
at random times daily
an utter and dire need
nothing can stop it
or get in its way
no inhibitions, no boundaries
so it must be restrained
dammed like a waterfall
waiting for the right man
deserving of trust
who will know just how
to pluck each petal
from my virgin flower
safely, surely, strong.
Then the river, the fire
the torrential storm
it will all come forth
wracking my body
with merciless
uncontrollable shaking
as we're both lost forever
with the torrential pleasure
in each other's eyes.