The Day After Valentine's Day

So you'd think the day after Valentine's Day would be no big deal because the big day is over and we go back to our normal lives. Well, Daddy decided he wanted to come over to cook up our leftovers from our dinner the night before. I had given him a key to my apartment a few weeks before so it was no problem for him to come by while I was at the gym.

I arrived home from the gym to find him setting up an elaborate candle-lit dinner table. He'd moved the flowers he'd gotten me to the table, along with one of the cards he'd gotten me and had set the table with some salad and had the leftover steak in the oven to reheat. I had actually not seen his car outside so before I walked in the door, I had been feeling rather glum because I thought he hadn't been able to make it over for some reason. But when I opened the door and it wasn't locked, I stepped inside all excited. And when I saw what he was setting up, I grinned ear to ear.

After hugging and kissing him, I changed out of my gym clothes and right back into the purple babydoll that he liked so much but I put underwear on this time since we were eating. He helped me with my chair and we sat down and ate our leftovers and discussed the night before. I told him about my thoughts about why I had felt like the yoga/fetch scene actually wasn't as humiliating as I'd thought it would be. Then I also mentioned that I had been a really good girl and that I liked making Daddy happy but sometimes I did want some sort of punishment...or maybe more of a 'funishment'.

At the same time, I didn't want to mess up on purpose and make him disappointed in me so maybe he could give me some impossible tasks or something to give him an excuse to punish me or he could simply do so 'because he can'. After dinner, I got down from the table and kneeled next to him, he pushed his chair out from the table so I could crawl under the table and kneel in front of him, laying my head on his lap.

We kept on talking and he started talking about chocolates for valentine's Day and he was talking about some chocolate places and I think he was trying to say Ghiradelli but he ended up saying Ghirbaldi and I just started cracking up. And that was my word for the night....I couldn't stop saying it. He was laughing about it too but then he said I was going to get punished for that. Haha!

We went into the bedroom and he found my paddle brush again and as I laid face down on the bed, he straddled my waist, facing my ass and began paddling my ass. My legs were soon kicking and I was squirming and moaning. Gosh that thing hurts! Then he stopped and we both admired my nice red ass. He didn't have his toy bag at my place so we ended up using a bondage kit I had on hand instead as he tied me on my back with my legs up in the air again.

I was afraid he was going to use my cunt again because it was still SO sore and so I asked him "Are you going to fuck my ass, Daddy?" and he said "No I don't think so." And I thought for a few more moments as he was still getting ready and said "Because my cunt is still very sore". And he said "ooooh that's right." He paused a minute and then said "Nope too bad little girl, I'm still fucking your cunt. You need to get used to this whenever I want it."

Part of me was scared and part of me was so completely turned on that he was going to do something against my wishes. I submitted though and he went slow at first...it hurt a little but once the rhythm was going, it was just fine and I breathed easier.....or rather, moaned. At some point, he added more lube and switched to fucking my ass instead continually whispering in my ear. He'd go slow and I'd whine "Daddy fuck my ass!" and he'd pound his cock faster into my ass. At one point, he stopped and asked "Is that going too deep?" and me in a bit of a daze, said something like "I---I---Dunno". In my head I was thinking "yes a little too deep but don't stop!" lol.

Finally, he pulled out and after removing the condom, he moved my head to the edge of the bed again and started fucking my mouth and throat some too. After a little bit, he moved my head back to the pillow and fucked my mouth from there and came down my throat. He untied me and we got ready for bed, just another day after valentine's day. *giggle*

Missing the Amazing Plateau

Lately I've been pondering orgasm. I've had a few different sensations in my lifetime thus far that I equate with some kind of orgasm. They are as follows:

1. The mountain peak: building up to an orgasm that lasts around 2-5 seconds and slowly dwindles away
2. The firecracker-dud: building up to an orgasm that doesn't quite get there.....it's almost there and then it's just...gone.
3. The amazing plateau: building up, a longer build up, to an orgasm that breaks free and lasts 10-15 seconds and takes about an hour to come down from the euphoric feeling it leaves behind.

I've probably experienced sensation #1 most often in my life and #3 only once or twice ever. Lately I have felt neither though. Sex and masturbation have both felt great and amazing but nothing that really seems to build up at all. Or when it does, it fades away as quickly as it came.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed about it but it is a little perplexing. I read about girls who experience multiple orgasms or can orgasm on command and I just can't even begin to imagine. I've been wondering if something is holding me back; something in my mind. A girlfriend of mine told me that she had a friend who had never really orgasmed and after exploring things with her therapist, she finally was able to. So I've pondered going to some kind of sex-therapist.

Then again, maybe it's as simple as not masturbating. Maybe I masturbate too much. Thinking back to the times when I did experience sensation #3, I didn't really masturbate back then....in fact I would go 2-3 months without doing it. Nowadays, I find myself doing it every other day.

Maybe I need Daddy to make a rule, forcing me not to masturbate unless he says so. That in itself makes me feel tingly all over. =)

Jaded

Edit: I should probably preface this post and catch everyone up. A previous post on another blog which was duplicated as a journal entry on Fetlife never made it to this blog. It essentially explained that I felt the need to give up actively dating and start exploring my passions and maybe the right person would come along at some point. It was a recognition that I needed to start enjoying life instead being so involved in dating that it became a chore.

A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.

In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.

A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.

Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.

It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.

Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.

Eager Needy Struggles

As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.

Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.

All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.

In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.

And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.

For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.

I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.

It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle. 

While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.

So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.

End of the Innocence

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it....it's only good for wallowing in." -Katherine Mansfield

So I've been handling my latest escapade fairly well. It helps that the hangover has run it's course. I've been given a lot of things to think about by my many friends in the community and I'm slowly processing it all.

They've told me that I haven't changed as a person, that I haven't lost anything really tangible, and that I should merely learn from this and move on. Yet I think I have changed as a person, even if only slightly. Having sex for the first time like that, experiencing what I had held off experiencing for so long, has indeed changed me. I think I was able to hold off having sex for so long partially because I hadn't actually felt what it was like. Now that I have, I am experiencing an intense desire to feel it again and my old dating rules that required an exclusive relationship for such acts....are fading.

Mind you, this doesn't mean that I suddenly want to have sex with every man I see. As someone else said, sometimes we have to take a small step back, not start taking giant leaps backward or forward. Before this event happened, I had started considering the possibility of adding sexual acts to scenes with a willing top so it was already beginning to be thought of. It's just now become much more than a possibility in my frame of view. I also have to admit that I kind of want to get together with the same guy and have another go, but sober this time; even if that's the last time with him.

A couple nights ago, when I was in bed, I cried some more. Part of me so dearly wanted to go back to the point in that night where I put my dress back on and was about to leave. I could have called someone, so many friends would have gladly picked me up, or I could have just taken a cab. I could have also called a cab instead of going to his house in the first place. I could have abstained from drinking altogether. I could have told him that it was nice meeting him but that I needed to get home after the first bar. So many 'could haves'. The pain I was feeling was a very intense regret.

Regret is something I have tried for the most part to live without. Sure I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I have taken them very seriously and tried not to dwell on them....too much. Still it's never easy.

I've learned something new about myself and once again I'm changing. It's not the first time and it won't be the last...and yet as humans, we always seem to have such a hard time with change. Yet it's quite inevitable. I still don't fully know what this means for me yet. I think when it comes to dating, I'll probably still not plan to have sex on the first date but it may be something I want to do sooner than I have considered in the past.

The other thing I need to consider more now is safer sex. I guess I didn't think about it much before because sex was something that I tried not to engage in before I was exclusive with someone and in my mind, that usually included STD testing on both our parts.

This also sheds new light on my views on polyamory. Although I have to remind myself that being sexually open does not equate to practicing poly (although everyone does it differently). I still have hopes for meeting my One someday but at the same time I've started to appreciate qualities in different people as well.

All-in-all, change seems to be on the horizon and I'm ready to adapt, without looking back in regret. With that in mind, while nothing tangible was actually lost, it does seem to be an end of innocence and a coming of age; almost in time for my 30th birthday. ;)

"If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today." -Unknown