I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite curious...here I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my mind...in fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:

1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive

Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Tied up, Tickled, and Spanked

Tuesday night was the Zenith party at the Center. I had scheduled a scene with a top (we'll call him Z) that has tied me up a couple times before with very light play so I felt very comfortable with him.

Z and I conversed for a while and I tried to be social with others but I found it hard to contain my eagerness to begin and I think that amused Z. Surprisingly he had a lot of things in mind that I was interested in but I hadn't expected and that made me even more excited. These things included duct-tape gags and some impact play.

We setup the space and he started to get out his rope while I stripped my dress and bra off. First, he tied a quick chest harness on me (it makes my boobs look bigger, I swear lol). Then he took an extra long piece of rope and began tying it around me using simple lark's head knots. His plan was to try a mummification-like tie and the closer he got to being finished, the more I wondered if I'd be able to keep my balance. I ended up taking my shoes off at one point because that was just a long time standing in heels.

The initial rope loosely mummified me with my hands to my sides and my legs and ankles together and he went over it all a second time with more rope, cinching it down between my arms and my sides and between my legs. It felt pretty secure and you can imagine that I was all smiles. =) Z had a guy help him lower me to the ground and I started to squirm a little to get my bearings. I was surprised to find that I still had some flexibility.

He then tied a blindfold on me and proceeded in some tickle play. That was probably the main form of play for the scene. Throughout the night, he'd find my ticklish areas and I'd squirm and giggle and protest and well that kind of thing. =) At some point, he decided to try duct tape over my mouth and I have to say, I really like that way too much. It's not even a sensory deprivation thing necessarily but not being able to speak and hearing my own muffled moans has a profound effect anyway.

More tickling ensued and a few times, I was on my tummy and he straddled me so I couldn't move/squirm very much and he'd find the really ticklish spots and send me into a frantic squirm and muffled moaning/laughing/screaming. I can't help but love being in that frantic helplessness. It brings on a special heightened headspace.

A couple times, the blindfold started to come off and he didn't notice and I'd try to tell him but was reminded by my mouth being unable to move that I could not speak lol. That was quite an interesting feeling. Eventually he would see it needed to be adjusted and either fix it or ask and I'd nod. We had negotiated that if things were not going well for me in any way that I'd shake my hands back and forth frantically and if everything was ok , I'd make my fingers into the "A-OK" symbol. Also, many times during the scene, he'd remark something  like "Good girl" and that made me giddy every time.

The ropes shifted a lot during the scene and he tried some hair bondage which actually helped keep the blindfold on better. A few times, I lifted my legs behind me above my butt and put my wrists behind me from within the ropes they were already in. He chuckled to himself and acknowledged that he understood what I was trying to communicate to him....essentially that a hogtie on top of what was already tied, would be fun. And he of course obliged.I also tried my usual tricks, trying to get up onto my knees and even my feet so I could hop around....but I couldn't seem to keep my balance. I also was able to do a shoulder stand a couple times and that was kinda funny and Z said he was impressed lol.

At some point during the scene, he either asked or just went ahead with some impact play, I forget which. Either way, my fingers went up into the A-OK position fast enough. =) He started out with some light wand of some sort and just very lightly tapping it on my butt. I thought it was cute. Then suddenly out of nowhere, there would be a WHAP that would leave a slight sting on my butt. He switched it up like that interplaying light taps with surprise heavier ones and the heavier ones kept catching me off guard and I'd squirm and giggle or moan.

I haven't done a lot of impact play so this was new to me and I liked it. I liked the sting, I liked the surprise effect as well. He switched back to tickle play some more and then asked if I wanted more impact play and my hands said A-OK. =) Then he said something like "I can use what i was using before or maybe just my hand" and my hands immediately went to A-OK and I nodded and he seemed pleased at that.

He proceeded to spank my butt with his bare hand this time, again lightly like before, with heavier slaps intermixed, each one surprising me with its sudden intense sting. I'd squirm sometimes and my legs would shake and he'd check in with me to make sure that wasn't a sign that it was too much and each time my A-OK confirmed that what he was doing was great. =)

He alternated cheeks and hands and started to give me more and more heavier swats and I had no qualms about it. The lighter spanks kind of tickled and made me giggle (they were kind of cute) and then the heavier ones made me moan. But all of it was very welcome.

In that space, I found myself surprised that I liked this so much...surprised that I wouldn't have minded if he sped it up and added in more heavier swats. I also found myself getting extreme pleasure from the spanking in general. In fact, I started thinking that with the right person in a romantic setting and the right rhythm, I could maybe even orgasm from it.

A couple times, he asked if I was doing ok or if he should stop and I made it pretty clear that everything was A-OK. =) The tail end of the scene was purely me being spanked for a good amount of time.

I don't remember exactly how it ended. I think we both came to a place where we were satisfied and we knew it was late. He took the duct tape off carefully and started untying me in places. In other places, I was able to slip out and I just laid there with the blindfold on, sighing in contentment. He went and got a blanket for me and I snuggled in it laying there while he finished untying the ropes left on my ankles.

At some point, I took the blindfold off and laid there a little longer before finally getting up and getting dressed again. I hugged Z and thanked him. I also suggested an idea that just occurred to me...that maybe next time he could tie me to the spanking bench hehe.

On the way home, I reveled in my contentment and newfound relief in knowing I could go through a scene like that without worrying about unwanted emotions or attachment.

Walking a fine line

Last night I started my membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. Wow I never thought I'd be a member at a 'sex club'. Life is funny sometimes.

Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.

We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.

Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.

The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We  did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".

Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.

So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.

I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.

After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.

So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.

He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.

He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.

What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and  moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.

Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.

I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all.  But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.

That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.

So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.

Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.

Wow = My First Play Party (BitP)

I called this weekend a "BDSM Weekend". I went to YAREG, the SBS Brunch, and "Bondage is the Point" at the CSPC.

My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.

I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.

Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.

Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.

The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.

He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.

Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.

Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.

The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.

I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.

At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.

A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.

One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".

At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.

At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.

Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.

I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.

The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush

It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.

Bound Again

It's dark, pitch black
but voices all around
my limbs are entangled
amidst rope and hemp
tightly bound
I can only squirm and wiggle
ever so slightly.
I'm helpless and at their mercy
why does that feel so welcoming?
They prod and laugh
and whisper in my ear
they roughly take me by my hair
and I am defenseless.
My heart is overtaken
by a torrent of bliss
giggling, whimpering, sighing
I can't help but smile
as others around me
make remarks.
It's peaceful in this place
yet exciting as well
I'm high as a kite
but even as it is undone
slowly the longing
in the depths of my soul
like a long-refused addiction
rekindles, re-sparking
the need in my loins
desire in my heart.
And now my whole body
so completely aches
to be bound again.