The Meaning of my Collar

In a play scene early on in our relationship, Daddy locked a dog choke chain around my neck. When the play scene was over, I kept the collar on. This signified the beginning of some of our more D/s oriented facets. Later on, I purchased a heart shaped lock and used that with the choke chain instead of Daddy's lock. This became my collar which I wore whenever we were with each other (except for certain occasions like the ballet).

We had talked about other collars early on and he seemed to want to get me a black leather collar with purple satin lining. Something that was well made. At the time, I can remember researching lots of other collars online including purple dyed leather with sparkly gems and the like. At some point, I realized that if I was going to wear Daddy's collar, I needed to trust and submit to him on the design. Once I made that decision in my head, we decided on the simple black leather with purple satin lining and we promptly sat on the idea for months. =)

At some point we spoke to our local sex toy maker about such a thing and he said while he didn't have purple satin on hand, if we bought the material, he could have it made. Another month or two went by and Daddy and I finally went shopping for the satin and brought it over to our friend soon after.

In the weeks that have followed while I've waited for the collar to be made, I've wondered what the significance of this new collar would mean to us. I had often dubbed my current collar my 'consideration collar' because it was so casually and playfully given. This new collar felt like it was going to be more permanent and I wanted to give it some sort of special meaning.

Early on in my time exploring kink, I'd read about collaring ceremonies and how they compared to weddings. I had always imagined the possibility of being part of one with the man I love someday almost as much as I had imagined the day I'd wear the symbolic white dress. With the new collar in the making, I wondered if it was time for Daddy and I to vow to each other in Dominance and submission. Upon reading about other peoples' experiences and vows however, I felt a definite difference in feelings.

Would I be expected to pledge my full submission to him in everything I did? Was I really ready for such a commitment myself? And was Daddy really ready for the maintenance and responsibility that could potentially be required?

My first reaction was to write it all off. Daddy and I have a very multi-faceted relationship. In one moment, we can be the most romantic vanilla couple enjoying time together at the ballet and in another I can be down on my hands and knees as he fucks my ass while telling me what a good pony girl I am. With that in mind, I felt like the D/s side of our relationship has been very light-hearted backed by a very gentle and romantic kind of love. Could I really pledge my undying submission to him then? And would I really want to? How would that change our current relationship?

I did end up mentioning the possibility of a collaring ceremony to Daddy and to my utmost surprise, he smiled. He seemed very onboard with the idea and I decided to do some more research. All the while, I couldn't quite understand why my heart was in knots over what it all would mean.

Yesterday, I finally worked it out in my head. There didn't have to be a collaring ceremony. It was just a new collar. It didn't have to mean we had to say vows to each other and it definitely didn't mean we had to change the dynamic that was working so well for us in so many ways. I think I started to get caught up in what I thought collars mean to the community and maybe I was trying to go through with something I thought would be respected by the community when in fact, I didn't really need to answer to anybody but myself and my Daddy.

I mentioned all of this to Daddy after I'd processed it all and he seemed pretty relieved. He said he'd wondered if I was trying to bite off more than I could chew but was always willing to try to do whatever he could to make me happy. He also said he really liked the sentiment of making vows to each other. I told him that I thought for us that may simply be a wedding. And who knows, maybe later on in our relationship we will choose to have a collaring ceremony and maybe it will or will not change the dynamic we share together. 

All I know now is that we don't have to make such a change or say such vows right now. He's simply giving me a new collar and our love will continue to blossom as we grow together in the dynamic that works extremely well for us.

The Day After Valentine's Day

So you'd think the day after Valentine's Day would be no big deal because the big day is over and we go back to our normal lives. Well, Daddy decided he wanted to come over to cook up our leftovers from our dinner the night before. I had given him a key to my apartment a few weeks before so it was no problem for him to come by while I was at the gym.

I arrived home from the gym to find him setting up an elaborate candle-lit dinner table. He'd moved the flowers he'd gotten me to the table, along with one of the cards he'd gotten me and had set the table with some salad and had the leftover steak in the oven to reheat. I had actually not seen his car outside so before I walked in the door, I had been feeling rather glum because I thought he hadn't been able to make it over for some reason. But when I opened the door and it wasn't locked, I stepped inside all excited. And when I saw what he was setting up, I grinned ear to ear.

After hugging and kissing him, I changed out of my gym clothes and right back into the purple babydoll that he liked so much but I put underwear on this time since we were eating. He helped me with my chair and we sat down and ate our leftovers and discussed the night before. I told him about my thoughts about why I had felt like the yoga/fetch scene actually wasn't as humiliating as I'd thought it would be. Then I also mentioned that I had been a really good girl and that I liked making Daddy happy but sometimes I did want some sort of punishment...or maybe more of a 'funishment'.

At the same time, I didn't want to mess up on purpose and make him disappointed in me so maybe he could give me some impossible tasks or something to give him an excuse to punish me or he could simply do so 'because he can'. After dinner, I got down from the table and kneeled next to him, he pushed his chair out from the table so I could crawl under the table and kneel in front of him, laying my head on his lap.

We kept on talking and he started talking about chocolates for valentine's Day and he was talking about some chocolate places and I think he was trying to say Ghiradelli but he ended up saying Ghirbaldi and I just started cracking up. And that was my word for the night....I couldn't stop saying it. He was laughing about it too but then he said I was going to get punished for that. Haha!

We went into the bedroom and he found my paddle brush again and as I laid face down on the bed, he straddled my waist, facing my ass and began paddling my ass. My legs were soon kicking and I was squirming and moaning. Gosh that thing hurts! Then he stopped and we both admired my nice red ass. He didn't have his toy bag at my place so we ended up using a bondage kit I had on hand instead as he tied me on my back with my legs up in the air again.

I was afraid he was going to use my cunt again because it was still SO sore and so I asked him "Are you going to fuck my ass, Daddy?" and he said "No I don't think so." And I thought for a few more moments as he was still getting ready and said "Because my cunt is still very sore". And he said "ooooh that's right." He paused a minute and then said "Nope too bad little girl, I'm still fucking your cunt. You need to get used to this whenever I want it."

Part of me was scared and part of me was so completely turned on that he was going to do something against my wishes. I submitted though and he went slow at first...it hurt a little but once the rhythm was going, it was just fine and I breathed easier.....or rather, moaned. At some point, he added more lube and switched to fucking my ass instead continually whispering in my ear. He'd go slow and I'd whine "Daddy fuck my ass!" and he'd pound his cock faster into my ass. At one point, he stopped and asked "Is that going too deep?" and me in a bit of a daze, said something like "I---I---Dunno". In my head I was thinking "yes a little too deep but don't stop!" lol.

Finally, he pulled out and after removing the condom, he moved my head to the edge of the bed again and started fucking my mouth and throat some too. After a little bit, he moved my head back to the pillow and fucked my mouth from there and came down my throat. He untied me and we got ready for bed, just another day after valentine's day. *giggle*

Our First Valentine's Day Together

Daddy and I had a wonderful Valentine's Day evening. The night was started by me going to the gym to do yoga. When I got back from yoga, I saw Daddy's car outside (I think he'd just arrived). I was tempted to run over to him but I decided he probably wanted to bring flowers to my door so I'd best instead hurry up to my apartment, which I did. I then began hurriedly changing from yoga clothes back into the nice red dress I'd worn to work that day.

When Daddy came to the door, I was not quite ready yet but I answered the door and he had a bouquet of roses/flowers in his hand. I smiled and hugged him close and kissed him. I hadn't seen him in a whole three days! I went back to getting ready and when I came back out, he had set a card on the counter and on the envelope it was marked in big letters: PRINCESS.

I then gave him my present, a sonnet I had written for him, framed with a picture of us from our Bed and Breakfast trip last month, and of course a card marked Daddy. We both ended up reading our cards at the same time and between the card saying that I was "the perfect woman for [him]" and his own writing inside the card saying I was "the best girlfriend [he's] ever had", my eyes were brimming with tears. I went over and put my arms around him as he read the rest of my card and all the writing I had written inside. Then Daddy popped the cork on a bottle of Cupcake champagne and we toasted to a glass before we left for dinner.

When we went down to the car, before we got in, I slipped off my black panties and handed them to Daddy, who seemed a bit surprised. I couldn't help but giggle. But then I was the one who was surprised when I saw there was yet ANOTHER bouquet of roses/flowers and ANOTHER card in his car, this one marked LITTLE GIRL. I might very well have squeee'd with joy. =) Daddy helped me into the car as I juggled the flowers, the card, my clutch, and the teddy bear that always rides with me in his car. And then we zoomed off.

We arrived at the Keg and found a fairly close parking spot in a very busy lot; luck was working well for us that night. I was glad because the new heels I had purchased for the occasion were not the most comfortable and needed to be broken in. We went inside and were seated after only a short wait time, thanks to our reservation. The waiter was great, the food was magnificent, and the best part of the whole meal was simply being there together; I think we both can agree on that.

By the time we were in the car driving back to my place, we realized it had been two whole hours at dinner; that surprised both of us because the time had just flown by. When we got home, he took the panties I'd given him out of his pocket and stuffed them into my mouth and walked me up to my apartment. He removed the panties and I found another vase and put the second set of flowers into it and set it next to the first vase. Daddy said he had to go use the restroom and brush his teeth but then he had 'plans' for tonight. I smiled knowingly; I had been hoping he'd need a moment so I could sneak away, slip out of my dress and into a brand new purple babydoll that we'd talked about previously.

When I walked out of the bedroom to find him in the living room, I only had the babydoll on and nothing else. He seemed pretty pleased about that. He said he was going to brush my hair so he said to get him a hair brush. I went and got the paddle brush I have and he seemed quite amused that it was called a 'paddle' brush. I giggled at that too, having not really thought about it before.

He sat on the couch and had me sit with my back to him in between his legs on the floor and he brushed my hair, eventually brushing them and securing them into two side pigtails. I have to admit that I wondered how it would look with Daddy doing it but later in the evening, when I saw myself in the mirror, I was astonished to find that I looked quite adorable. He did a good job. He then proceeded in turning me around and grabbing me by the pigtails and forcing my mouth down on his cock. He pushed me all the way down to where I couldn't breathe and counted to ten and then let me up. I took a big breath and he did it again.

Then Daddy got up and told me "I don't often give you actual 'orders' but tonight I'm ordering you to stay on all fours for the evening". I swear my pussy clenched at the thought and I nodded and said "yes Daddy". He then proceeded to take out some old beat up high heels and some electrician's tape and began taping my hands into the heels.

When he was done I had heels for hands and could not get them off. Then he tied a tight collar with a cowbell on it around my neck and connected a thick leash to it. He half drug me to my second bedroom and drug me around the room while I tried to explain what parts of the room I had cleaned for him a few days before. Then he drug me back to the living room again. I've been drug/led around by a collar before but it's usually been rather loose...it was kind of a nice feeling having it feel so much tighter.

I then sat there on all fours and watched as he readied a few things. He got a pad of paper and a pen out and put on a purple rubber glove (which he usually fingered my cunt with). I was a bit confused as to what his plan was until he produced a little squishy baseball.

"Alright princess, tonight's your night." he said and suddenly I knew what was going to happen. He had previously talked about doing a scene where he would throw a ball and I would have to fetch it on all fours, bring it back to him with it in my mouth, and do a yoga move (keeping it in my mouth) that would show him my cunt. He said if I did this twelve times with twelve different yoga moves successfully, he would give me a really good cunt pounding but if I failed, he would give me a good punishment. All in all, I wondered whether winning or losing was better but I wanted to do my best for Daddy.

As he threw the ball across the room, I scrambled after it, grabbing it with my mouth, and quickly crawling back to him, half smiling, half blushing. I then did the first yoga move and found out what the glove was for as he used it to violate my cunt a few times before I could come out of the move and give him the ball back. He had me put my back to him and watch the ball so I knew where it went and he threw it again. Indeed, we did this twelve times and somehow I managed to do twelve different yoga moves, although doing some of them (tripod headstand for instance) with heels on my hands were quite difficult and Daddy did oblige in helping hold me up for those. One of the times, I put the ball into his shoe and brought his shoe back....we both laughed at that.

I really surprised myself. I didn't feel as humiliated as I thought I would and I think there may have been a few factors to that. One, I wanted to please Daddy and there was no end to smiling and laughing on his part every time I came back with the ball in my mouth. Two, it was just the two of us there so in a way, it was just between us and so less humiliating. Three, I had been given at least a month to think about this scene and plan for it. When he'd first told me about it, I did not like the idea at all but over time, I became more and more ok with it.

And so when he set down a dog bowl of cheerios, telling me to eat some, I did so willingly as well. I did feel silly and I did feel degraded and humiliated to a point but not very much, probably for similar reasons as above. Daddy told me I'd done a great job and so he said it was time for my reward. He started off by wetting his cock with my throat some and then he turned me around and on my hands and knees, head laying against the couch, he fucked me doggy style. How appropriate. =)

After that, he had me lay on my back with my legs up in the air and tried to pound my cunt good from there but we had trouble with the floor and my hands were timing out from being in the heels for so long. So he cut the tape off the heels, once again connected a leash to my collar and let me into the bedroom. There he had me lay on my back with my head hanging off the side of the bed and he stood over me, pushing his cock into my mouth and down my throat.

I took his cock all the way down and tried not to breathe but that of course only goes so long, when I had to breathe again I tried to move my head down to back my throat/mouth away and could barely get it out enough to slightly breathe but I could not get it all the way out. God that was hot. He did that for a few more minutes but then when I felt like it was going to go too far (and maybe a little something did come up but I swallowed it again), I turned my head to the side to get his cock all the way out and began panting. Steak dinner and alcohol do not make for a good combination for a puke-less deep throat session so we decided not to chance it more.

He moved my head back to the pillow, put my legs up in the air and began fucking my cunt relentlessly again. As he did so, he sucked on my neck and I moaned all the louder. He whispered in my ear about an enema scene we've been talking about, going into great detail and turning me on even more. At some point, he moved back and pulled me along with him and we changed positions such that I was on top of him. He helped me get a rhythm going up and down on his cock and God it felt so good. Every time I came down on his cock, my clit smacked right against him too so when he started sucking on my nipples too, I was in heaven. I remember thinking to myself "Oh God I can't stop" and that made it even hotter.

I must have been doing something right because though Daddy might have had other plans, he ended up coming inside my cunt that way. I slowed down to stop and we held each other for a few minutes before getting up. As I got ready for bed, I was surprised with how much my cunt hurt. I had never felt my cunt so sore in my life. I might have needed some lube near the end of that last bit there. Then I noticed that my knees were very much red with rugburn. I put aloe on them and took an ibuprofen and we cuddled into bed and fell asleep.

So as you can see it was quite the Valentine's Day for us. =)

"Drink some water"

The following is fictional erotica between two consenting adults involving ageplay and bladder control.

Like many things it started with alcohol. Daddy and I had been out with some friends, Jake and Kylie, for lunch and I found myself having have had way too much to drink. We pulled up to my apartment and Daddy immediately told me: "Make sure you drink a lot of water, princess. That was a lot of alcohol for a little girl to consume." I replied with "yes daddy" but it was a little slurred so it sounded more like "Yesh Dyadhee".

We went up to my apartment and cuddled on the couch while we watched an episode of television. Midway through the episode, Daddy reminded me to drink some water again and I affirmed him with a similar response but did not get up. A couple more times throughout the show, he reminded me again and I finally got up and filled a glass with water and sat back down. Daddy was so warm and cozy though that I set the glass down and forgot about it instantly.

When the tv episode was over, Daddy turned to me and sternly said: "Princess, I asked you three times to drink some water and you still have not done so. You know it's for your own good and yet you disobeyed me three times. For this, you will receive a punishment but first, I will have to hydrate you myself." His words sobered me up and I reached for the glass of water, hoping to help the situation by finally starting to drink some water but he grabbed my hand and said "No. It's too late for that. We will do it MY way now." I was suddenly afraid of what he could mean and yet the commanding tone of his voice made my pussy clench.

He took the glass from me and went to the cupboard and retrieved a 32 oz water bottle. He filled that full of water and handed it to me, saying "I'm going to the car to get some equipment. I better come back here to find you, in nothing but your panties, kneeling on the floor and this water bottle empty...and don't even think of emptying it into the sink because I will know and then your punishment will be ten times worse." I gasped and took it from him. What equipment could he possibly need?

I quickly stripped down and kneeled on the living room floor.  I tried to down the water bottle all at once but about 2/3 way through it, I had to stop. While I waited for my stomach to shift enough for me to drink the rest of it, my mind was doing cartwheels wondering what Daddy had in store for me. It was unlike him to want to do anything in the bathroom and the only equipment we usually used was rope. I heard footsteps outside the door and quickly started downing the last little bit. As Daddy opened the door, I had just finished the water.

My relief at having finished in time was quickly cut short as I felt the rumbling of my tummy from all of that water. My bladder had already begun to go crazy because of the alcohol I had consumed but now I had just added more liquid. "Daddy can I use the toilet please before we start?" I asked. "No you may not, princess." he said with a smile, "you get no privileges right now, not even bathroom privileges." Oh God. What had I gotten myself into?

It was only then that I noticed that Daddy was holding his toy bag in one hand and a large plastic bag in the other; I couldn't see what was in the bag. He set both bags down and walked over to where I was kneeling, suddenly grabbing a fistful of my hair and forcing me to look up at him. "You may not like what I'm going to do to you but it's your own fault for not listening." He moved his other hand down into my panties to my cunt, which was already practically dripping from his words alone, laughed, and said "then again, maybe you will like it." I blushed profusely.

He let go of me long enough to open the toy bag and bring out some white rope. This type of thing I was familiar with although it was beginning to be hard to concentrate thanks to my bladder reminding me of the fact that I had consumed a lot of liquid and not yet been able to purge it. He also took out what looked like a prescription drug bottle from his pocket, popped one pill out into his hand and after refilling the 32oz bottle of water, instructed me to take the pill with some water.

Again, this was quite different than anything we normally did but I not only trusted Daddy with my heart but also my body so I obediently did as he asked and downed the pill with the smallest amount of water from the bottle I could manage. My stomach churned and my bladder continued to fight for my attention and I continued to try to ignore it and concentrate on what Daddy was doing.

He began tying me up using a chest harness and tying my calves to my thighs which ended up putting me into a basic frog tie. He also added a box tie to keep my arms behind my back. This was something else I was pretty familiar with and yet I found myself twitching and struggling slightly due to my bladder's continued imploring. I also realized that the tie kept my legs farther apart and the urgency of my bladder was turning into the urgency of my kegel muscles to hold everything back. This would not be good.

"Daddy I'm serious I really need to go to the bathroom. I don't know how much longer I can hold it." I whined trying but failing to turn around to look at him. I heard his response very softly and close to my ear: "That's the idea, princess. Just remember, the predicament you are in is your fault for not listening to me." My pussy unwillingly clenched and I let out a soft moan but then had to immediately turn my attention back to my kegels to hold back what already seemed like grand coolie dam just waiting to burst and Daddy just laughed as he straddled me from behind, his hips holding me down.

This position was also familiar but that would mean he planned to tickl--- my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sudden jab of his fingers on the sides of my ribs and I shrieked involuntarily, letting go of my urethral muscles for just a second before remembering what I was holding back. I felt a tiny bit of wetness in my panties but wasn't sure if some urine had escaped or if it was simply the natural wetness of my cunt. Either way I was already embarrassed. I struggled to catch my breath from just that one jab but he wasn't waiting for me to recover before he started tickling the sides of my ribs and up to my armpits.

I became a struggling mess of moans, shrieks, and pleading. "Daddy no! stop! I'm really going to go pee! You don't understand! I can't help it!" He did not however stop at all but instead responded very seriously "You BETTER NOT pee your panties little girl or I will be VERY ANGRY." I was suddenly very confused. Why did he not let me go to the bathroom before tying me up if he didn't want me to pee my panties in the first place? I didn't know but I couldn't continue thinking about it since my thoughts had to stay extremely focused on keeping back the raging river. A battle that was losing ground very quickly.

His tickling was relentless and it only got worse. Finally, I could hold back no longer and I screamed as my cunt spasmed uncontrollably while the flowing urine coated and soaked my panties. Tears came to my eyes in humiliation as the pressure from my bladder was finally released. Daddy stopped tickling me, stood up, crossed his arms, looking down at me with a frown.

"You really pissed your panties, little girl? You know only little girls piss their panties. That's why they're not allowed to wear big girl panties. Maybe you need to wear what little girls wear." He chided at me. I looked up at him, tears rolling down my cheeks, pleading eyes praying he wasn't serious. What I saw when I looked up was Daddy holding an adult diaper. My eyes grew wide in disbelief. He couldn't be serious? Would my humiliation ever end? And yet his mocking words and the humiliation of it all made my pussy clench in anticipation. What was wrong with me? I didn't want this!

Daddy kneeled down and untied my legs and let me stretch them out while he went and got a towel and some carpet cleaner. After removing my soaking panties and discarding them, he laid the diaper down and rolled me onto my back, scooting my bum down into place. He wiped my cunt and ass off with a baby wipe and grabbed a bottle of baby powder nearby and covered my cunt in powder. Then he pulled the front of the diaper up and taped the back to the front, enclosing it upon my crotch.

"There you go, little girl. All safe and sound now, you don't have to worry about making another mess now." My face turned very red and I whimpered and yet my clitoris perked up causing me to turn another shade of red. He untied my arms as well and told me to "clean up my mess". I vigorously scrubbed at the spot on the carpet on my hands and knees while he stood by and watched. "You know, little girl, your diaper gives your butt an extra cute wiggle when you do that." he smiled and I whimpered some more, stopping to look up at him with the best pout I could manage.

He simply laughed and said "Such a cute little girl. Hurry up and finish cleaning up the mess you made. I have more plans for you still." More plans? What? Wasn't this bad enough? Being forced into a diaper after being forced to piss myself silly? The fear and dread swept down my chest turning into arrousal as it descended to my groin. I reminded myself that Daddy owned me. He could do whatever he wanted to me whether I liked it or not. That thought only made my cunt burn hotter.

When I finished cleaning the carpet, I sat back up to find him holding the 32oz bottle of water again but screwed onto the top of it, was a baby bottle nipple. My eyes went wide as he set it down and ordered me to sit on the couch. As he tied my legs crossed legged and began duct taping my hands into fisted mittens, I pondered if he really expected me to drink more water. I had already soiled my panties, he didn't expect me to actually use the diaper too, did he???

Then he took the oversized baby bottle and proceeded in taping both of my hands to either side of it. "This is so little girl doesn't drop her bottle and make more of a mess. I know how little girls have a hard time gripping big bottles." he chided. Then taking a strip of duct tape, he cut a slit in it and placed it over my mouth. "This is so you be quiet like a good girl but are still able to drink your bottle." he said. A muffled whine escaped my covered lips. I wondered when the humiliation would end.

Just then, the doorbell rang. I swear my heart stopped. "Oh yes, little girl, I forgot to mention that I invited Jake and Kylie to come by and watch a movie with us. We had such a good time at lunch, I figured we could enjoy more time with them today. What do you think?" Daddy said, smirking. "Mmmf mmf mmfh" I managed to stutter in protest and he shushed me with a finger to my lips. "Just say 'yes daddy' like a good girl" he said. My lips quivering and tears beginning to form in my eyes, I mumbled "mmm mmm-mmm." The door bell rang again and he said "Good girl." as he got up and answered the door.

Jake and Kylie were good friends of ours and they were some of the few friends that knew about and understood our lifestyle without judging. In fact, I think in a lot of ways they were curious. And curious was definitely how I'd describe the looks on their faces as they were welcomed inside and immediately caught glimpses of me on the couch. How would most people react to finding a grown woman stark naked except for a diaper, tied up on the couch, hands taped up to a huge baby bottle, and her mouth taped mostly shut? Well I have to admit I was hoping they'd react by running away but I knew that I was not going to be so lucky.

"Well what have we here?" Jake said as he walked into the room, closer to me. "Was the little girl naughty?" he asked Daddy who replied with "Yes, very naughty. She pissed her big girl panties and made a mess on the carpet after disobeying me by not drinking any water." Kylie walked up to meet Jake, not able to take her eyes off me. "Awwww isn't the wittle girl so cute all tied up in her diedy with her bawtle!" she said to me smiling. I whimpered as more tears fell down my cheeks. My whole body was sweating and hot and my groin was the source of all the heat. "Well now she can't make a mess anymore, isn't that right princess?" Daddy asked. I slowly nodded my head.

Daddy took their attention away from me momentarily to talk about the movie they all wanted to watch and I was left in peace for a few moments. During that short conversation, Kylie would occasionally look over at me and wave her fingers at me like I was a little baby and I tried desperately to blend in with the couch.

Finally after offering them both wine, Daddy motioned for them to sit on the loveseat while he put the movie in and sat next to me on the couch. Before he started the movie, however, he told me loud enough for Jake and Kylie to hear "Ok little girl. I better see that bottle half gone before the previews are done playing. And it better be fully gone before the movie ends or you'll be in even more trouble." he said with a look on his face that meant he was very serious. I whimpered in shame. He really was going to make me soil the dreaded diaper. "And you should probably already be feeling more pressure about now anyway because that pill I gave you earlier was a diarrhetic" he said with a grin.

I had never wished for something so much in my life than to wish he was wrong but as if on cue, my bladder began to nag again. What was I going to do? Daddy wanted me to soil myself in this diaper like a helpless little girl, in front of our friends! I couldn't do this, my whole body ached with dread and I couldn't help but squirm, trying to think of some way out of this situation. But there was none.

"The previews are almost over, hunbun." Daddy said, bringing me back to reality. Alarmed that I had wasted precious time, I swung my arms up to my mouth to try to get the bottle in but failed, I couldn't quite get it in! "Does little girl need help getting her bottle into her mouth?" Kylie asked mockingly. I shamefully and tearfully nodded and she leaned over and helped open the slit in the duct tape slightly while raising my bottle (and arms with it) to my lips. She smiled at me as I started to suck the water through the bottle's nipple.

My shame was already at it's peak, only to find that the current preview was almost over and I had barely gotten any of the water down! I sucked relentlessly at the nipple , trying to get the water to come faster, all the while my bladder was protesting and I clamped my urethral muscles shut as tight as I could. Jake giggled at me and said "Wow little girl is thirsty, isn't she?" I ignored him as I tried to drink more water before the end of the preview but I wasn't going to make it. As the preview was ending, my sucking got louder and more frantic and all three of them were staring at me with the biggest grins on their faces.

The preview ended and to my relief, there was yet another preview. My whole body sighed, relieved. I was finally able to get enough of the water down before that preview finished that I could lower the bottle, breathe a little easier, and concentrate solely on clenching my cunt muscles. I could do this. I could make it through the movie without soiling the diaper. As if reading my thoughts, Daddy leaned over and produced some clover nipple clamps and after clipping one to one nipple, he strung the chain around the bottle and clipped the other end to the matching nipple. My nipples felt like they were two tiny specks of fire, burning and I hadn't even lifted the bottle back to my lips yet. This was not good.

The movie went on for what seemed like forever and I was thankful it was captivating enough to gather all of their attention, temporarily relieving me of at least some humiliation. Throughout the movie, I found myself fading off into a sort of subspace but the pain on my nipples and the burning need to relieve myself always brought me back to the present. Finally I realized I still had more to drink and the movie was almost over! I slowly lifted the bottle to my lips, wincing as the nipple clamps pulled taught by doing so. I could see Daddy watching me from the corner of his eye.

As the movie's ending music began to crescendo and the scene faded to the credits, my sucking on the bottle became frantic again and I learned that too much multitasking is too much for my body to take. Between sucking the bottle, and the burning fire on my tits, and the tightest clenching I've ever given my cunt, it was sensory and concentration overload. Something had to give and I knew it was going to be my bladder. And as soon as I thought it, it happened. I felt my groin flood with a warm wetness as I finished the bottle off and started sobbing uncontrollably.

"Awww I think somebody went peepee!" Kylie said in a baby talk voice. "Yep I see a yellow spot" Jake added and Daddy stroked my hair, saying "Good girl, you finished your bottle." I nodded, my eyes swollen and red from crying. All eyes were on me and I didn't care anymore, I nestled into Daddy as he stroked my hair and the warm wetness in my groin continued as my bladder emptied its contents within.

Daddy made small talk with Jake and Kylie for a little while longer. At some point, Daddy looked at the clock and said "Well I think its way past little girl's bedtime" and pinching his nose, he added "and I think she needs a change too." I buried my head into his shoulder to try to hide my continued embarrassment. Jake and Kylie smiled as they got up and both patted me on the head calling me a good girl. Daddy went with them to the door and when they'd left, he came over and held me tight. I sobbed into his arms again.

"There, there, princess. I'm proud of you. You took that punishment quite well and now you will get your reward." He said, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. He laid me on my back on the bed, with my head hanging off the side. He removed the duct tape from my mouth, and the nipple clamps, and said "Your cunt and ass are way too messy right now so your throat will have to do." Somewhere within the thick wet folds of the diaper, I felt my clit perk up and my pussy clench knowingly. As Daddy fucked my throat relentlessly I lost track of the mix of cum and piss in my diaper. All that mattered was pleasing Daddy.

When he had thoroughly used my throat and many of my own orgasms later, he held me close lying on the bed with him, wiping the tears and spit away from my face. I was an exhausted little girl and I fell asleep in his arms. Amongst his soft "good girl"s, he whispered something before I drifted off to sleep:

"Now remember next time to drink some water."

The blind girl and the patient man

So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.

T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time.  At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.

We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.

In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.

I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.

Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.

That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.

But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.

I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)

That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.

The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)

Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.

I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.

But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)

Piece of my Heart

He speaks softly, whispering with intensity
selective desires overlapping with my own
his fluid motions display skill and experience
confident bonds with cautious undertones.
He hesitates slightly, enjoying the moment
an open mind filled with understanding
his wisdom has already proven its worth
passionate exertion meets excitable manner.
He gives freely, an honest communication
with sociable and friendly interactions;
his affectionate demeanor alights my heart
as happy rain drops are wiped away.
He treats me rightly, romantic intentions
incipient lady of his own heart
his handsome smile can make me blush
with muscles that make me shiver.
He cuddles softly with teddy bear talent
one of the services he loves to provide
his imminent laughter shows sense of humor
accessible easily without someone's expense.
I've known him as 'friend' for a many few months
someone to share with and to have fun
but the closer we get, each day that goes by
he owns another piece of my heart.

I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite curious...here I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my mind...in fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:

1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive

Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

The knot in my stomach

I've recently been under consideration of a dominant man. We've been trying to take it slow but over the last two weekends, we've spent a lot of time together. I've communicated when I've felt good about how things are as well as when I had concerns and he's handled that communication in a very understanding way.

As a person, he seems both experienced and educated while not being too quick to react to things but instead thinking them through. Even though he seems to find me intensely attractive, he hasn't acted on those desires yet and instead has proven that he is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person first. I've pleasantly watched his demeanor when meeting some of my friends in the lifestyle and liked seeing that he was very personable and welcoming.

As of yet, we have not played in a scene but I have still enjoyed some little interactions with him: when he randomly pinches me to make me squeal or squirm, grabbing my hair and pulling me to him, or grabbing me and pulling me back down when I try to leave the bed before he says I can. Most surprising to me, the few times he has very seriously demanded I not argue or interrupt him, I have reacted positively and respectfully. I think I may actually be reaching a part of me that enjoys 'being put in my place'.

So when he says "I want to talk to you about some more behavior modifications", why do I suddenly feel so defensive and closed off? And why do I feel so worried or upset about what he could be wanting to modify? Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for where I fit in the midst of things and then I feel like I'm questioning everything all over again. Why can't I just let that roll off my shoulders and remember that if something doesn't sit well with me, I still have a choice? Or even more importantly, that maybe this life isn't for me? Why can't the knot in my stomach remember all of that?

Understanding Discipline

"We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment." -Jim Rohn

Discipline

I've been pondering the concepts of discipline and punishment for a while now. When I first started getting involved in the community, my main interests were purely sexual. I imagined being tied up and fucked and used in the bedroom and then returning to a normal looking vanilla girlfriend/boyfriend relationship for the rest of the time. Terms like 24x7 or Master/slave loomed over me like thunderclouds and I denied being interested in any of that. In my past, I would have put things I don't understand into a box and left them alone but nowadays, I try to get a better handle on things I don't understand and only then, make judgements about whether I fit into those categories or not.

When I started blogging about this journey, I began reading the blogs of other submissive women as well. I've seen a plethora of 24x7, D/s, Master/slave, and even other mixes of the dynamics in between. I've beared witness to punishments, heard instances of spanking for pleasure, even to the point of orgasm, and read about rules that many live under.

It was actually a fictional story by one of the bloggers I read that caught my attention more than anything. In the story, the woman is considering becoming a certain man's submissive/slave and he asks her what things in her life she wishes she could accomplish but never gets around to. She's of course embarrassed about it but admits to all kinds of things she just doesn't make time for from body image to passions in life.

Reading about that completely struck me. Aren't there things in my own life that I just get lazy about but I really do want for myself? Of course! And I made a list:

* Having a flat tummy
* Getting enough sleep
* Keep my apartment clean
* Not texting and driving

Those are just the most obvious ones but I'm sure there are more. So why don't I do those? Why can't I bring myself to accomplish or adhere to those things? I think it's merely a lack of motivation and willpower. So in a D/s relationship, it can be putting the motivation and willpower in the hands of the dominant where the submissive may lack those qualities.

Rules

And suddenly discipline as a concept started to make some sense. It isn't all about punishment but more appropriately about adhering to certain rules and guidelines for the betterment of one's self. Of course there can be more to it, depending on the relationship and the players involved. I can already imagine some more playful "rules" where the only intention would be to remind one of their submission to someone else and some of that may have a humiliating effect as well.

With that in mind, I came up with some rules that I am curious about as an example:

Constructive Rules:
* having a bedtime
* getting up with enough time to get ready
* doing laundry right away, not letting it sit for days
* clean apartment/bathrooms semi-weekly
* keep bills/statements filed away instead of stacked around
* some kind of workout regimen required

Playful rules (some of which may have a temporary duration)
* asking permission to use the restroom
* asking permission to come and/or masturbate
* having my underwear picked out for me
* always wearing a collar/necklace/anklet (stealth)
* wearing buttplugs under clothes
* wearing no panties under clothes

Once I understood about discipline itself, I began to ponder how realistic it would be to keep to any of these rules. Some would say that's where punishment comes into the picture. Yet I've heard others argue that wanting to please a dominant should be motivation enough.

Punishment
In my journey so far, I've mostly experienced what it's like to be a bottom for a scene. It's all been pretty light hearted, playful, and short. Thus I have only experienced impact play in a consensual atmosphere, not in any form of actual punishment. In fact, every time I try to imagine really being punished physically, it takes me back to when I was a child and my dad spanked me when I did something wrong. Part of me likes that feeling, being put in my place, especially as a little girl, and yet the "independent adult" part of me severely fights any such ideas, knowing full well that by government law, I do not need to submit to any authority in such a manner.

And yet it still amazes me that even part of me wants it. That even a part of me wants to be put in my place, to submit to an intimate authority figure, to give up actual rights....not just for play or for sex but for the betterment of myself and for love of the other person. And that segways into my next thought. I can't see trying to make this kind of discipline and/or punishment work with someone I don't feel very intimately involved with. I mean if I do something wrong and it's a brand new relationship, will I still submit to a punishment? I have to admit that I'd be less likely to do so without that intimate bond and trust already in place. Of course the alternative is walking away but again if it's early on, what really has been lost in doing so?

I speak of course of my own thoughts and how I think it might work for me and that in no way says this is how it works for anyone else. But I suspect many may relate.

I want to conclude this post by acknowledging the quote I put at the top of the post. It's a quote I happened upon when I was looking for quotes about regret and yet it really fit with my thoughts on discipline. In life, whether it's bdsm, D/s, or vanilla....relationships, work, or free time, it really rings true: either we experience discipline or we experience regret. I don't know if I'll ever find the right man for the amount of trust and patience I feel would be needed for this type of dynamic but if I do, it will be an interesting exploration.

Spanked to Tears

Last night I cried. It was a first for me, not because I had never cried before (far from it!) but because it was my first time crying in a scene.

Beforehand, I had told Z that if I cried it was definitely not a sign that he needed to stop the scene. I wanted to cry. I needed that release. And simply talking about it , I almost felt like bursting into tears right then. Not because of him or even anything in my current everyday life but an emotional hurt inside me.

He tied me to the rack with my back to him and my arms outstretched above me and began simply spanking my ass. It started out light of course, as he warmed me up but soon got heavier. My whines and moans began pretty quickly. It's an odd sound I make...not a scream...it's more like a moan...and when something hurts even more, it starts out sounding like a moan and turns into a high pitched whine.

I had worn a thong that that night, baring my ass more than I have in the past and yet I found even still, I was much more closer to screaming when he hit the tops of my thighs than anything else.

At some point in the scene, I began mentally using what I call my "crying words". Things I know I can tell myself that aren't necessarily true that will either make me cry or make me cry harder because they really emotionally hurt.

Examples: "My parents don't love me", "I'm sorry I failed you, Mom and Dad", "I broke the family apart", "I let you down", "I failed you", "I deserve this for what I did", "Mom's health is failing because of me", and lots more. In a way, it was less about words and more about feelings of hurt and guilt.

At one point my mind was back to when I was a kid and my dad used to spank us when we had done something wrong. He'd look us in the eye and ask us why we were getting spanked and we'd have to re-iterate what we'd done wrong, between tears of anticipation. Then he'd have us pull our pants down and bend over his knee and he'd spank us with his bare hand. Hard, fast, strong. We'd wiggle and squirm and cry but there was no getting away. I always remembered afterward, feeling relieved that it was over and knowing I would try my best to never do whatever it was I had done...again.

With all of this happening in my head, tears came to my eyes. My moans and whines were mixed with small quiet sobs. At one point, Z stopped and realized he'd really done some damage to my left cheek. He asked me how I was doing and whether I wanted to continue and I told him he should probably even it out and make the other cheek match lol.

More sobbing, whining, moaning. By the time he stopped again, I was definitely feeling a sense of release. I think I really wanted to cuddle at that point but it was early and I didn't want to be done yet. So when he asked how I was doing, I said I had learned my lesson but maybe he could hogtie me and tickle me. Some much lighter play was definitely in order.

Tying, smiling, tickling, laughing, giggling, squirming, screaming, bunny hopping, shrieking all commenced in the usual fashion that my tickling scenes seem to happen nowadays and another hour went by. When it was over, I was pooped. Z untied me and we cuddled for a while and then it was time to get dressed, help him ravel up rope, and clean up. I visited with some of the other folk there and one of my friends made smirking comments like "Wow you need a ball gag" and "Sounded like he was playing with a monkey!". I just smiled and blushed.

After visiting for a little bit, I decided I was ok to drive and needed to get home to my bed. Not without staring at my ass in the mirror, mouth agape. I think that's the heaviest marks I've ever had and it was just his hand this time.

All-in-all, it was a good experience. It's the first time I processed pain that way before. I've had things in my life that were painful physically and they triggered an emotional response like that before...but they were always unexpected. This was more planned. I don't think it's the way I will always approach an impact scene though. There may come a point where the impact is much faster and painful and crying words wont necessarily be needed. I just don't know if I can really take that kind of pain yet.

I do still like approaching spanking from a more light hearted and playful angle as well. There's something attractive about having my butt turn a nice shade of red and feeling warm. Plus there's something in me that longs to submit to a special man in my life. Whether it's punishment or "funishment", it's still at least partially attractive to me in that dynamic. There's something very submissive and little girl about it.

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Sunday's Rope Events

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this experience or not. Really, there isn't too much to tell but it's still worth mentioning.

Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.

That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.

I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.

And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.

I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.

We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.

One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)

So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)

The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.

He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)

Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.

It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.

I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.

He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.

They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.

So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)

Walking a fine line

Last night I started my membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. Wow I never thought I'd be a member at a 'sex club'. Life is funny sometimes.

Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.

We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.

Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.

The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We  did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".

Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.

So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.

I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.

After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.

So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.

He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.

He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.

What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and  moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.

Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.

I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all.  But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.

That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.

So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.

Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.

Do past hurts translate to presently needed pain?

In my exploration of bdsm so far, I've been attracted to both submission and helplessness in the bedroom. I haven't taken a huge interest in pain but it does pique my interest, especially within the throws of helplessness.

That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.

Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.

I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.

Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?

Wow = My First Play Party (BitP)

I called this weekend a "BDSM Weekend". I went to YAREG, the SBS Brunch, and "Bondage is the Point" at the CSPC.

My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.

I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.

Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.

Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.

The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.

He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.

Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.

Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.

The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.

I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.

At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.

A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.

One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".

At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.

At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.

Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.

I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.

The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush

It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.