The Meaning of my Collar

In a play scene early on in our relationship, Daddy locked a dog choke chain around my neck. When the play scene was over, I kept the collar on. This signified the beginning of some of our more D/s oriented facets. Later on, I purchased a heart shaped lock and used that with the choke chain instead of Daddy's lock. This became my collar which I wore whenever we were with each other (except for certain occasions like the ballet).

We had talked about other collars early on and he seemed to want to get me a black leather collar with purple satin lining. Something that was well made. At the time, I can remember researching lots of other collars online including purple dyed leather with sparkly gems and the like. At some point, I realized that if I was going to wear Daddy's collar, I needed to trust and submit to him on the design. Once I made that decision in my head, we decided on the simple black leather with purple satin lining and we promptly sat on the idea for months. =)

At some point we spoke to our local sex toy maker about such a thing and he said while he didn't have purple satin on hand, if we bought the material, he could have it made. Another month or two went by and Daddy and I finally went shopping for the satin and brought it over to our friend soon after.

In the weeks that have followed while I've waited for the collar to be made, I've wondered what the significance of this new collar would mean to us. I had often dubbed my current collar my 'consideration collar' because it was so casually and playfully given. This new collar felt like it was going to be more permanent and I wanted to give it some sort of special meaning.

Early on in my time exploring kink, I'd read about collaring ceremonies and how they compared to weddings. I had always imagined the possibility of being part of one with the man I love someday almost as much as I had imagined the day I'd wear the symbolic white dress. With the new collar in the making, I wondered if it was time for Daddy and I to vow to each other in Dominance and submission. Upon reading about other peoples' experiences and vows however, I felt a definite difference in feelings.

Would I be expected to pledge my full submission to him in everything I did? Was I really ready for such a commitment myself? And was Daddy really ready for the maintenance and responsibility that could potentially be required?

My first reaction was to write it all off. Daddy and I have a very multi-faceted relationship. In one moment, we can be the most romantic vanilla couple enjoying time together at the ballet and in another I can be down on my hands and knees as he fucks my ass while telling me what a good pony girl I am. With that in mind, I felt like the D/s side of our relationship has been very light-hearted backed by a very gentle and romantic kind of love. Could I really pledge my undying submission to him then? And would I really want to? How would that change our current relationship?

I did end up mentioning the possibility of a collaring ceremony to Daddy and to my utmost surprise, he smiled. He seemed very onboard with the idea and I decided to do some more research. All the while, I couldn't quite understand why my heart was in knots over what it all would mean.

Yesterday, I finally worked it out in my head. There didn't have to be a collaring ceremony. It was just a new collar. It didn't have to mean we had to say vows to each other and it definitely didn't mean we had to change the dynamic that was working so well for us in so many ways. I think I started to get caught up in what I thought collars mean to the community and maybe I was trying to go through with something I thought would be respected by the community when in fact, I didn't really need to answer to anybody but myself and my Daddy.

I mentioned all of this to Daddy after I'd processed it all and he seemed pretty relieved. He said he'd wondered if I was trying to bite off more than I could chew but was always willing to try to do whatever he could to make me happy. He also said he really liked the sentiment of making vows to each other. I told him that I thought for us that may simply be a wedding. And who knows, maybe later on in our relationship we will choose to have a collaring ceremony and maybe it will or will not change the dynamic we share together. 

All I know now is that we don't have to make such a change or say such vows right now. He's simply giving me a new collar and our love will continue to blossom as we grow together in the dynamic that works extremely well for us.

The Day After Valentine's Day

So you'd think the day after Valentine's Day would be no big deal because the big day is over and we go back to our normal lives. Well, Daddy decided he wanted to come over to cook up our leftovers from our dinner the night before. I had given him a key to my apartment a few weeks before so it was no problem for him to come by while I was at the gym.

I arrived home from the gym to find him setting up an elaborate candle-lit dinner table. He'd moved the flowers he'd gotten me to the table, along with one of the cards he'd gotten me and had set the table with some salad and had the leftover steak in the oven to reheat. I had actually not seen his car outside so before I walked in the door, I had been feeling rather glum because I thought he hadn't been able to make it over for some reason. But when I opened the door and it wasn't locked, I stepped inside all excited. And when I saw what he was setting up, I grinned ear to ear.

After hugging and kissing him, I changed out of my gym clothes and right back into the purple babydoll that he liked so much but I put underwear on this time since we were eating. He helped me with my chair and we sat down and ate our leftovers and discussed the night before. I told him about my thoughts about why I had felt like the yoga/fetch scene actually wasn't as humiliating as I'd thought it would be. Then I also mentioned that I had been a really good girl and that I liked making Daddy happy but sometimes I did want some sort of punishment...or maybe more of a 'funishment'.

At the same time, I didn't want to mess up on purpose and make him disappointed in me so maybe he could give me some impossible tasks or something to give him an excuse to punish me or he could simply do so 'because he can'. After dinner, I got down from the table and kneeled next to him, he pushed his chair out from the table so I could crawl under the table and kneel in front of him, laying my head on his lap.

We kept on talking and he started talking about chocolates for valentine's Day and he was talking about some chocolate places and I think he was trying to say Ghiradelli but he ended up saying Ghirbaldi and I just started cracking up. And that was my word for the night....I couldn't stop saying it. He was laughing about it too but then he said I was going to get punished for that. Haha!

We went into the bedroom and he found my paddle brush again and as I laid face down on the bed, he straddled my waist, facing my ass and began paddling my ass. My legs were soon kicking and I was squirming and moaning. Gosh that thing hurts! Then he stopped and we both admired my nice red ass. He didn't have his toy bag at my place so we ended up using a bondage kit I had on hand instead as he tied me on my back with my legs up in the air again.

I was afraid he was going to use my cunt again because it was still SO sore and so I asked him "Are you going to fuck my ass, Daddy?" and he said "No I don't think so." And I thought for a few more moments as he was still getting ready and said "Because my cunt is still very sore". And he said "ooooh that's right." He paused a minute and then said "Nope too bad little girl, I'm still fucking your cunt. You need to get used to this whenever I want it."

Part of me was scared and part of me was so completely turned on that he was going to do something against my wishes. I submitted though and he went slow at first...it hurt a little but once the rhythm was going, it was just fine and I breathed easier.....or rather, moaned. At some point, he added more lube and switched to fucking my ass instead continually whispering in my ear. He'd go slow and I'd whine "Daddy fuck my ass!" and he'd pound his cock faster into my ass. At one point, he stopped and asked "Is that going too deep?" and me in a bit of a daze, said something like "I---I---Dunno". In my head I was thinking "yes a little too deep but don't stop!" lol.

Finally, he pulled out and after removing the condom, he moved my head to the edge of the bed again and started fucking my mouth and throat some too. After a little bit, he moved my head back to the pillow and fucked my mouth from there and came down my throat. He untied me and we got ready for bed, just another day after valentine's day. *giggle*

Virgin's First One Night Stand

I usually take dating pretty seriously. I like when a guy comes out to my town for the first date and meets me at a coffee shop and we can get to know each other a little bit in an easygoing environment. For the most part, I don't get sexually involved until the third or fourth date and/or we have approached a mutual agreement on our relationship. Mind you, I have been known to approach things differently on occasion and it usually jumps up and bites me and I retreat back to my safe way dating.

Well yesterday, I once again journeyed out of my comfort zone and met a guy at a bar in downtown Seattle. My reasoning for this was that I would be in Seattle anyway for Rope Enthusiasts Group. We met at the Whiskey bar and each shared a couple drinks and enjoyed each other's company but it was still early. He suggested we take a cab up to Captiol Hill and visit some other places up there and I agreed because I liked what I saw so far and wanted to continue enjoying his company.

What resulted was three more bars, three more drinks, and three more shots which of course equated to me being completely plastered. At some point leading up to that, he started getting more touchy-feely and I was definitely welcoming it. His arm around me here, him pulling me onto his lap there, even sneaking kisses here and there. Warning bells probably should have been going off in my head because again, I don't usually get that physical so quickly. It probably didn't help that he was an attractive black guy with muscles that made me swoon. After my last drink at the last bar, my memory gets a little fuzzy on what happened.

I remember being too drunk to even think about driving home. I remember him saying we could take a cab back to his place and we could cuddle. I remember being worried about my car being towed if I wasn't back by 1am. I remember crying and being a bit of an emotional wreck. I don't remember arriving at his place or removing my underwear. I do remember giving him head. I also remember turning my head and puking over the side of the bed because my gag reflex was much more sensitive because of the alcohol. I do remember that once I found out that what he meant by 'cuddle' was to have sex with me, I resisted, put my dress back on, and started to leave. I don't remember why I stayed. I do remember him having both vaginal and anal sex with me and that I enjoyed both the pain and pleasure involved. I also remember him telling me to be quiet because I couldn't contain my moans of pain or pleasure.

At some point during the night, between getting up to drink water, going to the bathroom, forcing myself to vomit, I must have gotten some sleep. He held me close and I didn't know what to feel except my pounding head and aching stomach. And yet I still wanted him. Again. Maybe it was because I had already done it, I was no longer a virgin, so how could doing it again be any worse? He was spooning me and I was able to arouse him enough by moving my butt up against him and after a short time, he took that as a cue. He took his hand and massaged the area of my clitoris and then rubbed his cock along my ass and my pussy back and forth, waiting for me to moisten up.

I have to admit to hoping he'd put it in my ass again because the anal from the night before was more memorable. Then again, I've always fantasized about anal anyway. He eventually placed me on my back and got on top of me, spread my legs wide and put his cock in my pussy. It didn't go in easy and it was definitely at least partially painful but he kept going and as he set into a rhythm the pleasure outweighed the pain and I wrapped both my arms and legs around him. After a few minutes he was obviously getting close and asked if it was ok if he came inside me and I said yes....so he did. We both went back to sleep again for a while and at some point, I finally got up and called a cab.

It's hard to say what was going through my head at that point. I felt a mixture of satisfaction, yearning for more, and yet sadness as well. There's also of course the stupidity of not using safe sex. I may have gotten lucky this time because we both are clean but I won't really know that for sure until I get retested again in a few months.

It wasn't until the cabbie mentioned that if he's with a girl that's drunk, he won't touch her, that the word rape ever even came to mind. And suddenly the sadness started overwhelming me. If I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have had sex with a guy I only just met. I would not have lost my virginity to a guy that I will probably never see again. I know these things to be fact. And now I'm caught up in a turmoil of emotions. I liked the sex. I liked his body. I want more. And I showed that by followup sex in the morning that was most definitely consensual. Yet I know I don't just want sex, I need so much more. I need love, I need romance....along with the sex. And now I feel a little cheap, like a prostitute used for a one night stand. And yet a part of me still craves more of the same.

There was definitely a point where my submissive side stepped in last night and I gave my all to him. Yet I don't want to give that to just some guy I met that day. I want it to be special, to mean so much more than that. But now that I've given that for the first time, I feel like a barrier has dropped. My sexual boundaries that I held so strong to for so long are falling away and I'm scared. I don't want to take this and let everything go.

I'm changed forever now and I don't know what that means to me quite yet.

Helplessness: Sexual yet Soulful

 A lot of D/s and M/s topics and issues have been going through my head lately. I am hoping to expand upon them as I ponder them and research them in future blog posts but in the meantime, they've brought up another issue. I started exploring kink with the idea that it was something sexual to add to a relationship. That's what it would be for me. Something only in the bedroom.

I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.

Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.

That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.

Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.

Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.

A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.

Sub Drop and Circumspection

It's odd. My mood has dropped over the last couple days.

Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.

And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.

Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).

Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.

Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.

Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.

I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.

I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.

Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.

Connection/Chemistry vs. Submission

My heart needs a deep connection and chemistry with someone special. Someone who will essentially sweep me off my feet and yet feel the same about me. It doesn't have to be instant but it's usually something that happens within one or two dates. Or it doesn't.

Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.

But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.

I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.

Troubled about non-sexual submission

I'm starting to wonder if I'm more of a bottom than a submissive. I was conversing with someone recently about D/s and the subject of non-sexual submission came up and I realized that I really have a hard time putting myself in a position to submit myself non-sexually.

Sexually, it turns me on to no end to think of submitting in so many different ways to the man I trust and care for....but non-sexually, out of the bedroom? I really just don't know. The thought of being forced to obey him in things like what to wear or what to eat or what to buy or not buy and service-related activities, especially on an everyday basis, just makes me cringe.

It sounds more like a slave or something 24/7 and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I feel like I need my independence somewhere in a relationship....or some equal footing. In the bedroom you can do what you want with me (within limits) but outside of that I don't know.

Clothes are one example...sure I want to please my man and dress how he wants me to dress at times...but I still need room for my own creativity and style and unique character as well.

Then there's the Daddy/Little girl thing which is actually NOT sexual for the most part...and more of a way of expressing the younger, more innocent side of me with someone I'm intimately close to that can act more like a loving father figure. That could be where the submission crosses over out of the bedroom but even still, i just don't think I can do that or be that....24/7.