I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite curious...here I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my mind...in fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:

1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive

Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

Tied up, Tickled, and Spanked

Tuesday night was the Zenith party at the Center. I had scheduled a scene with a top (we'll call him Z) that has tied me up a couple times before with very light play so I felt very comfortable with him.

Z and I conversed for a while and I tried to be social with others but I found it hard to contain my eagerness to begin and I think that amused Z. Surprisingly he had a lot of things in mind that I was interested in but I hadn't expected and that made me even more excited. These things included duct-tape gags and some impact play.

We setup the space and he started to get out his rope while I stripped my dress and bra off. First, he tied a quick chest harness on me (it makes my boobs look bigger, I swear lol). Then he took an extra long piece of rope and began tying it around me using simple lark's head knots. His plan was to try a mummification-like tie and the closer he got to being finished, the more I wondered if I'd be able to keep my balance. I ended up taking my shoes off at one point because that was just a long time standing in heels.

The initial rope loosely mummified me with my hands to my sides and my legs and ankles together and he went over it all a second time with more rope, cinching it down between my arms and my sides and between my legs. It felt pretty secure and you can imagine that I was all smiles. =) Z had a guy help him lower me to the ground and I started to squirm a little to get my bearings. I was surprised to find that I still had some flexibility.

He then tied a blindfold on me and proceeded in some tickle play. That was probably the main form of play for the scene. Throughout the night, he'd find my ticklish areas and I'd squirm and giggle and protest and well that kind of thing. =) At some point, he decided to try duct tape over my mouth and I have to say, I really like that way too much. It's not even a sensory deprivation thing necessarily but not being able to speak and hearing my own muffled moans has a profound effect anyway.

More tickling ensued and a few times, I was on my tummy and he straddled me so I couldn't move/squirm very much and he'd find the really ticklish spots and send me into a frantic squirm and muffled moaning/laughing/screaming. I can't help but love being in that frantic helplessness. It brings on a special heightened headspace.

A couple times, the blindfold started to come off and he didn't notice and I'd try to tell him but was reminded by my mouth being unable to move that I could not speak lol. That was quite an interesting feeling. Eventually he would see it needed to be adjusted and either fix it or ask and I'd nod. We had negotiated that if things were not going well for me in any way that I'd shake my hands back and forth frantically and if everything was ok , I'd make my fingers into the "A-OK" symbol. Also, many times during the scene, he'd remark something  like "Good girl" and that made me giddy every time.

The ropes shifted a lot during the scene and he tried some hair bondage which actually helped keep the blindfold on better. A few times, I lifted my legs behind me above my butt and put my wrists behind me from within the ropes they were already in. He chuckled to himself and acknowledged that he understood what I was trying to communicate to him....essentially that a hogtie on top of what was already tied, would be fun. And he of course obliged.I also tried my usual tricks, trying to get up onto my knees and even my feet so I could hop around....but I couldn't seem to keep my balance. I also was able to do a shoulder stand a couple times and that was kinda funny and Z said he was impressed lol.

At some point during the scene, he either asked or just went ahead with some impact play, I forget which. Either way, my fingers went up into the A-OK position fast enough. =) He started out with some light wand of some sort and just very lightly tapping it on my butt. I thought it was cute. Then suddenly out of nowhere, there would be a WHAP that would leave a slight sting on my butt. He switched it up like that interplaying light taps with surprise heavier ones and the heavier ones kept catching me off guard and I'd squirm and giggle or moan.

I haven't done a lot of impact play so this was new to me and I liked it. I liked the sting, I liked the surprise effect as well. He switched back to tickle play some more and then asked if I wanted more impact play and my hands said A-OK. =) Then he said something like "I can use what i was using before or maybe just my hand" and my hands immediately went to A-OK and I nodded and he seemed pleased at that.

He proceeded to spank my butt with his bare hand this time, again lightly like before, with heavier slaps intermixed, each one surprising me with its sudden intense sting. I'd squirm sometimes and my legs would shake and he'd check in with me to make sure that wasn't a sign that it was too much and each time my A-OK confirmed that what he was doing was great. =)

He alternated cheeks and hands and started to give me more and more heavier swats and I had no qualms about it. The lighter spanks kind of tickled and made me giggle (they were kind of cute) and then the heavier ones made me moan. But all of it was very welcome.

In that space, I found myself surprised that I liked this so much...surprised that I wouldn't have minded if he sped it up and added in more heavier swats. I also found myself getting extreme pleasure from the spanking in general. In fact, I started thinking that with the right person in a romantic setting and the right rhythm, I could maybe even orgasm from it.

A couple times, he asked if I was doing ok or if he should stop and I made it pretty clear that everything was A-OK. =) The tail end of the scene was purely me being spanked for a good amount of time.

I don't remember exactly how it ended. I think we both came to a place where we were satisfied and we knew it was late. He took the duct tape off carefully and started untying me in places. In other places, I was able to slip out and I just laid there with the blindfold on, sighing in contentment. He went and got a blanket for me and I snuggled in it laying there while he finished untying the ropes left on my ankles.

At some point, I took the blindfold off and laid there a little longer before finally getting up and getting dressed again. I hugged Z and thanked him. I also suggested an idea that just occurred to me...that maybe next time he could tie me to the spanking bench hehe.

On the way home, I reveled in my contentment and newfound relief in knowing I could go through a scene like that without worrying about unwanted emotions or attachment.

Sunday's Rope Events

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this experience or not. Really, there isn't too much to tell but it's still worth mentioning.

Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.

That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.

I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.

And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.

I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.

We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.

One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)

So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)

The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.

He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)

Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.

It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.

I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.

He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.

They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.

So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)