Moving in

So Daddy and I are moving in together. Wow! I'm so excited I can barely think about anything else. It's going to be happening by the end of the month too, which once again shows that once I put my mind to something, there's no reason to keep waiting. =)

Originally we had planned to take things a bit more slow. Although he had suggested months ago that eventually it might be nice if I could move in and feel a bit of a release from the heavy rent and utility costs I pay, my main concern at the time was the commute to work. He lives about 20-30 minutes farther away from my work than I currently do and that's without traffic. So we had started to look at condos and apartments but it was going to be quite a decision with lots of variables to worry about for not just moving into a new place but moving out of his current house.

It seemed it would be another year or more before we could finally live together and I knew this when I renewed my apartment lease last month. I've been spending more time with him at his place recently and for some reason the other day it just hit me. I couldn't wait that long. I needed to be with him. I see him 2-4 times a week but even being apart from him as little as I am, it often has felt like the grand canyon of time spans in between visits.

Frankly, my friends have suffered as well. New relationship energy is known for taking someone away from their friends only to spend more time with a new and exciting partner. I guess I'm hoping that by living together and seeing him everyday, it will free up some time for me to hang out with some of my friends a little more as well. 

So the other day we ended up discussing how it could work in detail. I'd move in and we'd still figure things out over the next couple years. We would make his place our home but we would also keep the idea in the back of our mind that in a year or two, we may want to move somewhere else. I worked out the commute issues by deciding to work an earlier shift to avoid traffic and it looks like breaking my lease won't be terribly burdensome, even in the worst case scenario. So over the next couple weeks, I'll be packing and downsizing a bit and finally moving.

It will be interesting living together. The many facets of our relationship already have very blurry boundaries in between them. Seeing each other everyday is going to blur those boundaries even more, I think. Though we've already run into a few landmines because of that, we have yet to have a real argument. I've lived with people before and I know that if there was ever a time to get into arguments, it would be after moving in together. That being said, I think we're both ready. We're committed, in love, and willing to work through whatever comes our way.

The Meaning of my Collar

In a play scene early on in our relationship, Daddy locked a dog choke chain around my neck. When the play scene was over, I kept the collar on. This signified the beginning of some of our more D/s oriented facets. Later on, I purchased a heart shaped lock and used that with the choke chain instead of Daddy's lock. This became my collar which I wore whenever we were with each other (except for certain occasions like the ballet).

We had talked about other collars early on and he seemed to want to get me a black leather collar with purple satin lining. Something that was well made. At the time, I can remember researching lots of other collars online including purple dyed leather with sparkly gems and the like. At some point, I realized that if I was going to wear Daddy's collar, I needed to trust and submit to him on the design. Once I made that decision in my head, we decided on the simple black leather with purple satin lining and we promptly sat on the idea for months. =)

At some point we spoke to our local sex toy maker about such a thing and he said while he didn't have purple satin on hand, if we bought the material, he could have it made. Another month or two went by and Daddy and I finally went shopping for the satin and brought it over to our friend soon after.

In the weeks that have followed while I've waited for the collar to be made, I've wondered what the significance of this new collar would mean to us. I had often dubbed my current collar my 'consideration collar' because it was so casually and playfully given. This new collar felt like it was going to be more permanent and I wanted to give it some sort of special meaning.

Early on in my time exploring kink, I'd read about collaring ceremonies and how they compared to weddings. I had always imagined the possibility of being part of one with the man I love someday almost as much as I had imagined the day I'd wear the symbolic white dress. With the new collar in the making, I wondered if it was time for Daddy and I to vow to each other in Dominance and submission. Upon reading about other peoples' experiences and vows however, I felt a definite difference in feelings.

Would I be expected to pledge my full submission to him in everything I did? Was I really ready for such a commitment myself? And was Daddy really ready for the maintenance and responsibility that could potentially be required?

My first reaction was to write it all off. Daddy and I have a very multi-faceted relationship. In one moment, we can be the most romantic vanilla couple enjoying time together at the ballet and in another I can be down on my hands and knees as he fucks my ass while telling me what a good pony girl I am. With that in mind, I felt like the D/s side of our relationship has been very light-hearted backed by a very gentle and romantic kind of love. Could I really pledge my undying submission to him then? And would I really want to? How would that change our current relationship?

I did end up mentioning the possibility of a collaring ceremony to Daddy and to my utmost surprise, he smiled. He seemed very onboard with the idea and I decided to do some more research. All the while, I couldn't quite understand why my heart was in knots over what it all would mean.

Yesterday, I finally worked it out in my head. There didn't have to be a collaring ceremony. It was just a new collar. It didn't have to mean we had to say vows to each other and it definitely didn't mean we had to change the dynamic that was working so well for us in so many ways. I think I started to get caught up in what I thought collars mean to the community and maybe I was trying to go through with something I thought would be respected by the community when in fact, I didn't really need to answer to anybody but myself and my Daddy.

I mentioned all of this to Daddy after I'd processed it all and he seemed pretty relieved. He said he'd wondered if I was trying to bite off more than I could chew but was always willing to try to do whatever he could to make me happy. He also said he really liked the sentiment of making vows to each other. I told him that I thought for us that may simply be a wedding. And who knows, maybe later on in our relationship we will choose to have a collaring ceremony and maybe it will or will not change the dynamic we share together. 

All I know now is that we don't have to make such a change or say such vows right now. He's simply giving me a new collar and our love will continue to blossom as we grow together in the dynamic that works extremely well for us.

Two of a Kind

I meet you at the door and rush into your arms
you hold me and kiss me and smile so wide
We step outside and you lock my front door
arm-in-arm, happy feet match our smiles
You open the door and I get in your car
teddy bears inside all greet me with smiles
The radio knows the songs of our hearts
you laugh as teddy bear legs sing along
I'm your princess and you are my Daddy
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You lovingly caress every part of my skin
while I squirm and giggle and moan
you bind me in knots of rope and love
making my heart flutter and my pussy ache
your hands find their way into my hair
and the collar on my neck presses in
you fuck me to bliss and spank me to tears
I've given up my control to you in many ways
I'm your submissive, you're my master
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You see the reality where I see dreams
my doubt and your hope, shake hands
your mature complements my playful
my helplessness balances your control
our dedication, compromise, and trust
lay the foundation of this relationship
Your strong body and my fragile frame
are like perfect puzzle pieces made to fit
We are partners in this place we call life
destined to be special, two of a kind.

The Day After Valentine's Day

So you'd think the day after Valentine's Day would be no big deal because the big day is over and we go back to our normal lives. Well, Daddy decided he wanted to come over to cook up our leftovers from our dinner the night before. I had given him a key to my apartment a few weeks before so it was no problem for him to come by while I was at the gym.

I arrived home from the gym to find him setting up an elaborate candle-lit dinner table. He'd moved the flowers he'd gotten me to the table, along with one of the cards he'd gotten me and had set the table with some salad and had the leftover steak in the oven to reheat. I had actually not seen his car outside so before I walked in the door, I had been feeling rather glum because I thought he hadn't been able to make it over for some reason. But when I opened the door and it wasn't locked, I stepped inside all excited. And when I saw what he was setting up, I grinned ear to ear.

After hugging and kissing him, I changed out of my gym clothes and right back into the purple babydoll that he liked so much but I put underwear on this time since we were eating. He helped me with my chair and we sat down and ate our leftovers and discussed the night before. I told him about my thoughts about why I had felt like the yoga/fetch scene actually wasn't as humiliating as I'd thought it would be. Then I also mentioned that I had been a really good girl and that I liked making Daddy happy but sometimes I did want some sort of punishment...or maybe more of a 'funishment'.

At the same time, I didn't want to mess up on purpose and make him disappointed in me so maybe he could give me some impossible tasks or something to give him an excuse to punish me or he could simply do so 'because he can'. After dinner, I got down from the table and kneeled next to him, he pushed his chair out from the table so I could crawl under the table and kneel in front of him, laying my head on his lap.

We kept on talking and he started talking about chocolates for valentine's Day and he was talking about some chocolate places and I think he was trying to say Ghiradelli but he ended up saying Ghirbaldi and I just started cracking up. And that was my word for the night....I couldn't stop saying it. He was laughing about it too but then he said I was going to get punished for that. Haha!

We went into the bedroom and he found my paddle brush again and as I laid face down on the bed, he straddled my waist, facing my ass and began paddling my ass. My legs were soon kicking and I was squirming and moaning. Gosh that thing hurts! Then he stopped and we both admired my nice red ass. He didn't have his toy bag at my place so we ended up using a bondage kit I had on hand instead as he tied me on my back with my legs up in the air again.

I was afraid he was going to use my cunt again because it was still SO sore and so I asked him "Are you going to fuck my ass, Daddy?" and he said "No I don't think so." And I thought for a few more moments as he was still getting ready and said "Because my cunt is still very sore". And he said "ooooh that's right." He paused a minute and then said "Nope too bad little girl, I'm still fucking your cunt. You need to get used to this whenever I want it."

Part of me was scared and part of me was so completely turned on that he was going to do something against my wishes. I submitted though and he went slow at first...it hurt a little but once the rhythm was going, it was just fine and I breathed easier.....or rather, moaned. At some point, he added more lube and switched to fucking my ass instead continually whispering in my ear. He'd go slow and I'd whine "Daddy fuck my ass!" and he'd pound his cock faster into my ass. At one point, he stopped and asked "Is that going too deep?" and me in a bit of a daze, said something like "I---I---Dunno". In my head I was thinking "yes a little too deep but don't stop!" lol.

Finally, he pulled out and after removing the condom, he moved my head to the edge of the bed again and started fucking my mouth and throat some too. After a little bit, he moved my head back to the pillow and fucked my mouth from there and came down my throat. He untied me and we got ready for bed, just another day after valentine's day. *giggle*

Our First Valentine's Day Together

Daddy and I had a wonderful Valentine's Day evening. The night was started by me going to the gym to do yoga. When I got back from yoga, I saw Daddy's car outside (I think he'd just arrived). I was tempted to run over to him but I decided he probably wanted to bring flowers to my door so I'd best instead hurry up to my apartment, which I did. I then began hurriedly changing from yoga clothes back into the nice red dress I'd worn to work that day.

When Daddy came to the door, I was not quite ready yet but I answered the door and he had a bouquet of roses/flowers in his hand. I smiled and hugged him close and kissed him. I hadn't seen him in a whole three days! I went back to getting ready and when I came back out, he had set a card on the counter and on the envelope it was marked in big letters: PRINCESS.

I then gave him my present, a sonnet I had written for him, framed with a picture of us from our Bed and Breakfast trip last month, and of course a card marked Daddy. We both ended up reading our cards at the same time and between the card saying that I was "the perfect woman for [him]" and his own writing inside the card saying I was "the best girlfriend [he's] ever had", my eyes were brimming with tears. I went over and put my arms around him as he read the rest of my card and all the writing I had written inside. Then Daddy popped the cork on a bottle of Cupcake champagne and we toasted to a glass before we left for dinner.

When we went down to the car, before we got in, I slipped off my black panties and handed them to Daddy, who seemed a bit surprised. I couldn't help but giggle. But then I was the one who was surprised when I saw there was yet ANOTHER bouquet of roses/flowers and ANOTHER card in his car, this one marked LITTLE GIRL. I might very well have squeee'd with joy. =) Daddy helped me into the car as I juggled the flowers, the card, my clutch, and the teddy bear that always rides with me in his car. And then we zoomed off.

We arrived at the Keg and found a fairly close parking spot in a very busy lot; luck was working well for us that night. I was glad because the new heels I had purchased for the occasion were not the most comfortable and needed to be broken in. We went inside and were seated after only a short wait time, thanks to our reservation. The waiter was great, the food was magnificent, and the best part of the whole meal was simply being there together; I think we both can agree on that.

By the time we were in the car driving back to my place, we realized it had been two whole hours at dinner; that surprised both of us because the time had just flown by. When we got home, he took the panties I'd given him out of his pocket and stuffed them into my mouth and walked me up to my apartment. He removed the panties and I found another vase and put the second set of flowers into it and set it next to the first vase. Daddy said he had to go use the restroom and brush his teeth but then he had 'plans' for tonight. I smiled knowingly; I had been hoping he'd need a moment so I could sneak away, slip out of my dress and into a brand new purple babydoll that we'd talked about previously.

When I walked out of the bedroom to find him in the living room, I only had the babydoll on and nothing else. He seemed pretty pleased about that. He said he was going to brush my hair so he said to get him a hair brush. I went and got the paddle brush I have and he seemed quite amused that it was called a 'paddle' brush. I giggled at that too, having not really thought about it before.

He sat on the couch and had me sit with my back to him in between his legs on the floor and he brushed my hair, eventually brushing them and securing them into two side pigtails. I have to admit that I wondered how it would look with Daddy doing it but later in the evening, when I saw myself in the mirror, I was astonished to find that I looked quite adorable. He did a good job. He then proceeded in turning me around and grabbing me by the pigtails and forcing my mouth down on his cock. He pushed me all the way down to where I couldn't breathe and counted to ten and then let me up. I took a big breath and he did it again.

Then Daddy got up and told me "I don't often give you actual 'orders' but tonight I'm ordering you to stay on all fours for the evening". I swear my pussy clenched at the thought and I nodded and said "yes Daddy". He then proceeded to take out some old beat up high heels and some electrician's tape and began taping my hands into the heels.

When he was done I had heels for hands and could not get them off. Then he tied a tight collar with a cowbell on it around my neck and connected a thick leash to it. He half drug me to my second bedroom and drug me around the room while I tried to explain what parts of the room I had cleaned for him a few days before. Then he drug me back to the living room again. I've been drug/led around by a collar before but it's usually been rather loose...it was kind of a nice feeling having it feel so much tighter.

I then sat there on all fours and watched as he readied a few things. He got a pad of paper and a pen out and put on a purple rubber glove (which he usually fingered my cunt with). I was a bit confused as to what his plan was until he produced a little squishy baseball.

"Alright princess, tonight's your night." he said and suddenly I knew what was going to happen. He had previously talked about doing a scene where he would throw a ball and I would have to fetch it on all fours, bring it back to him with it in my mouth, and do a yoga move (keeping it in my mouth) that would show him my cunt. He said if I did this twelve times with twelve different yoga moves successfully, he would give me a really good cunt pounding but if I failed, he would give me a good punishment. All in all, I wondered whether winning or losing was better but I wanted to do my best for Daddy.

As he threw the ball across the room, I scrambled after it, grabbing it with my mouth, and quickly crawling back to him, half smiling, half blushing. I then did the first yoga move and found out what the glove was for as he used it to violate my cunt a few times before I could come out of the move and give him the ball back. He had me put my back to him and watch the ball so I knew where it went and he threw it again. Indeed, we did this twelve times and somehow I managed to do twelve different yoga moves, although doing some of them (tripod headstand for instance) with heels on my hands were quite difficult and Daddy did oblige in helping hold me up for those. One of the times, I put the ball into his shoe and brought his shoe back....we both laughed at that.

I really surprised myself. I didn't feel as humiliated as I thought I would and I think there may have been a few factors to that. One, I wanted to please Daddy and there was no end to smiling and laughing on his part every time I came back with the ball in my mouth. Two, it was just the two of us there so in a way, it was just between us and so less humiliating. Three, I had been given at least a month to think about this scene and plan for it. When he'd first told me about it, I did not like the idea at all but over time, I became more and more ok with it.

And so when he set down a dog bowl of cheerios, telling me to eat some, I did so willingly as well. I did feel silly and I did feel degraded and humiliated to a point but not very much, probably for similar reasons as above. Daddy told me I'd done a great job and so he said it was time for my reward. He started off by wetting his cock with my throat some and then he turned me around and on my hands and knees, head laying against the couch, he fucked me doggy style. How appropriate. =)

After that, he had me lay on my back with my legs up in the air and tried to pound my cunt good from there but we had trouble with the floor and my hands were timing out from being in the heels for so long. So he cut the tape off the heels, once again connected a leash to my collar and let me into the bedroom. There he had me lay on my back with my head hanging off the side of the bed and he stood over me, pushing his cock into my mouth and down my throat.

I took his cock all the way down and tried not to breathe but that of course only goes so long, when I had to breathe again I tried to move my head down to back my throat/mouth away and could barely get it out enough to slightly breathe but I could not get it all the way out. God that was hot. He did that for a few more minutes but then when I felt like it was going to go too far (and maybe a little something did come up but I swallowed it again), I turned my head to the side to get his cock all the way out and began panting. Steak dinner and alcohol do not make for a good combination for a puke-less deep throat session so we decided not to chance it more.

He moved my head back to the pillow, put my legs up in the air and began fucking my cunt relentlessly again. As he did so, he sucked on my neck and I moaned all the louder. He whispered in my ear about an enema scene we've been talking about, going into great detail and turning me on even more. At some point, he moved back and pulled me along with him and we changed positions such that I was on top of him. He helped me get a rhythm going up and down on his cock and God it felt so good. Every time I came down on his cock, my clit smacked right against him too so when he started sucking on my nipples too, I was in heaven. I remember thinking to myself "Oh God I can't stop" and that made it even hotter.

I must have been doing something right because though Daddy might have had other plans, he ended up coming inside my cunt that way. I slowed down to stop and we held each other for a few minutes before getting up. As I got ready for bed, I was surprised with how much my cunt hurt. I had never felt my cunt so sore in my life. I might have needed some lube near the end of that last bit there. Then I noticed that my knees were very much red with rugburn. I put aloe on them and took an ibuprofen and we cuddled into bed and fell asleep.

So as you can see it was quite the Valentine's Day for us. =)

A Sonnet for Daddy on Valentine's Day

There once was a girl who was all alone,
she dated and dated with no outcome,
whether they were rude or a boring drone,
nothing seemed to click for a life tandem.
Until one day she met a special man,
in a very unconventional way,
between sex and bondage, a love began,
with their hearts meeting equally halfway.
When she opens the door to see his face,
she hugs him so tight and happily grins,
flexing his muscles makes her heart race,
every part of her man, she knows she wins.
With a true love, he's someone she adores,
Daddy, this little girl's completely yours.

Missing the Amazing Plateau

Lately I've been pondering orgasm. I've had a few different sensations in my lifetime thus far that I equate with some kind of orgasm. They are as follows:

1. The mountain peak: building up to an orgasm that lasts around 2-5 seconds and slowly dwindles away
2. The firecracker-dud: building up to an orgasm that doesn't quite get there.....it's almost there and then it's just...gone.
3. The amazing plateau: building up, a longer build up, to an orgasm that breaks free and lasts 10-15 seconds and takes about an hour to come down from the euphoric feeling it leaves behind.

I've probably experienced sensation #1 most often in my life and #3 only once or twice ever. Lately I have felt neither though. Sex and masturbation have both felt great and amazing but nothing that really seems to build up at all. Or when it does, it fades away as quickly as it came.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed about it but it is a little perplexing. I read about girls who experience multiple orgasms or can orgasm on command and I just can't even begin to imagine. I've been wondering if something is holding me back; something in my mind. A girlfriend of mine told me that she had a friend who had never really orgasmed and after exploring things with her therapist, she finally was able to. So I've pondered going to some kind of sex-therapist.

Then again, maybe it's as simple as not masturbating. Maybe I masturbate too much. Thinking back to the times when I did experience sensation #3, I didn't really masturbate back then....in fact I would go 2-3 months without doing it. Nowadays, I find myself doing it every other day.

Maybe I need Daddy to make a rule, forcing me not to masturbate unless he says so. That in itself makes me feel tingly all over. =)

The blind girl and the patient man

So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.

T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time.  At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.

We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.

In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.

I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.

Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.

That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.

But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.

I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)

That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.

The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)

Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.

I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.

But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)

Yours

Another poem for Daddy

We met early on, we both felt changed
merely causal play, you bided your time
I was so worried about getting too close
but you worried about your heart too
You were busy picking up pieces
while I explored new experiences.
I dated another while your heart broke
you hid your feelings, my heart was blind
We still grew ever closer, exploring sex
you were so wary while I jumped feet first.
We started dating, you brought me flowers
writing heartfelt words into cards
my eyes could only cry tears of joy.
I would cling to you, then step back
so used to being pushed away
but instead you drew me ever closer
whispering to me, words so good to hear.
My eyes have never known so many tears
without the sadness attached so tight
stars and hearts floating from a smile.
And even still after all that time
I'd go too far, cringing in fear
waiting for you to be overwhelmed
like so many others who left me behind
But you held me tight, said you loved me
and that you'd take care of me too.
The hurt inside from many before
spills out sometimes, baring my soul
but you're right there, arms open
with understanding eyes and willing smile.
Daddy you are my loving handsome prince
this princess' heart is truly yours.

Piece of my Heart

He speaks softly, whispering with intensity
selective desires overlapping with my own
his fluid motions display skill and experience
confident bonds with cautious undertones.
He hesitates slightly, enjoying the moment
an open mind filled with understanding
his wisdom has already proven its worth
passionate exertion meets excitable manner.
He gives freely, an honest communication
with sociable and friendly interactions;
his affectionate demeanor alights my heart
as happy rain drops are wiped away.
He treats me rightly, romantic intentions
incipient lady of his own heart
his handsome smile can make me blush
with muscles that make me shiver.
He cuddles softly with teddy bear talent
one of the services he loves to provide
his imminent laughter shows sense of humor
accessible easily without someone's expense.
I've known him as 'friend' for a many few months
someone to share with and to have fun
but the closer we get, each day that goes by
he owns another piece of my heart.

Eager Needy Struggles

As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.

Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.

All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.

In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.

And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.

For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.

I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.

It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle. 

While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.

So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.

Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.

Helplessness: Sexual yet Soulful

 A lot of D/s and M/s topics and issues have been going through my head lately. I am hoping to expand upon them as I ponder them and research them in future blog posts but in the meantime, they've brought up another issue. I started exploring kink with the idea that it was something sexual to add to a relationship. That's what it would be for me. Something only in the bedroom.

I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.

Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.

That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.

Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.

Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.

A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.

Bordering on Poly

I made a joke the other day with a friend. I said "You know, if I end up playing with a few service tops regularly, even if it's all non-sexual, I'll kind of be acting poly". She laughed at that because she really wants to convert me to Poly.

That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.

What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.

Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.

Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.

One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.

And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.

That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?

My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?

I don't know.

For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.

Walking a fine line

Last night I started my membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. Wow I never thought I'd be a member at a 'sex club'. Life is funny sometimes.

Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.

We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.

Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.

The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We  did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".

Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.

So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.

I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.

After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.

So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.

He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.

He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.

What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and  moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.

Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.

I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all.  But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.

That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.

So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.

Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.

Connection/Chemistry vs. Submission

My heart needs a deep connection and chemistry with someone special. Someone who will essentially sweep me off my feet and yet feel the same about me. It doesn't have to be instant but it's usually something that happens within one or two dates. Or it doesn't.

Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.

But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.

I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.

Imagining Aftercare

I've had some discussion about aftercare with a couple different people lately and wanted to further write about it on my own.

First off, I have yet to experience a real scene. I've only experienced some bondage play and a few things at a tasting event up to this point. That being said, I have a distinct idea in my mind of aftercare and what it means to me and why I need it.

I am imagining going through an intense scene with my partner who is more than just my Dom but also my boyfriend. He has a need to take out his aggression, his dominance, on me, my body, my emotions, my heart, my soul. The scene could of course be different from time to time but I'm imagining feeling pain, pleasure, helplessness maybe to the point of ecstacy and/or pain tolerance limits...a very heightened state, whatever it is. Part of it is a need to feel pain to feel helpless and part of it is a need to please my daddy.

When it is finished, I can feel myself in such a scene, needing to be held, cuddled, comforted, consoled, loved....audibly, physically, emotionally. I can imagine him trying to express his love for me and his pride that I could do all of that for him and his pleasure/gratefulness in it all.

It goes back to something I told someone else recently as well: "I need to be fucked, abused, used, yet still loved". I need it all for some reason, some mix of that. There's a mix of emotional and sexual needs involved.
The sex/play without the love or emotions does not entice me quite the same and the love/emotions/romance does not entice me the way it used to...alone. I need both of those so very much from that someone I would call Daddy, Dom, Boyfriend, Master, partner.

Does anyone else relate to this?

Little girl vs. Experienced Woman

My mind and heart have been at arms over the last 24 hours or so. I recently met with a guy who I now call Daddy and we had our first date. It was my first experience of any kind of D/s relationship intermingled with the beginnings of hopefully a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.