The blind girl and the patient man

So some of you have probably noticed due to my poetry and relationship changes on Fetlife that I have a new boyfriend/Daddy. My submissive journey has definitely taken a turn and really started to grow.

T and I met back in June at the Center for Sex Positive Culture at my first play party, Bondage is the Point. He was actually one of the first people to ever tie me up and we both had a wonderful time.  At the time I was vigorously dating and he was in a polyamorous relationship and so it didn't really cross my mind that he may be a candidate for what I was looking for.

We continued to play off and on as the weeks went by and in August, we met up to have dinner, for the first time outside of the club. We debriefed about our latest scene and also got to know each other better in general. I was very up front with the fact that I had to be careful in how I let my emotions get attached because I could be a needy little girl sometimes and even nonsexual rope bondage can get quite intimate. When we went our separate ways that night, I was surprised to hear him say that he thought that he needed to guard his heart because he felt like he could definitely lose it. I remember starting to consider him in my heart as a possibility but August was a very busy month for him and he mentioned that he didn't have a lot of time for a new relationship due to circumstances with his family. So we continued playing only once or twice a month while I continued dating other men as well, searching for the boyfriend who I could also call Daddy.

In September, I lost my virginity to a one night stand and you could say that it 'loosened me up' a bit. I decided to approach dating a little more casually and maybe not worry about finding 'the perfect man' and give some guys a chance. I began dating one guy in particular (let's call him J) who was very concerned about not hurting me and so we tried to develop a friendship before we even entered into any real 'play' or sex. I was unsure about this at first but I have to admit that the Dom/Daddy attitude he had drew me in.

I think it was the September Bondage is the Point play party that we showed up to together and since J and I weren't playing together yet, I ended up playing with T...still non-sexually of course. I remember how worried T was about playing with me with my boyfriend sitting there watching. It was kind of cute. He even tried to include J in the scene a little bit. J and I went home that night feeling fine and yet I later found out that T was quite heartbroken. He surprised himself at how sad he felt that I was now 'taken'. It wasn't until a friend mentioned to him that 'maybe it wouldn't work out' that he realized there could still be hope. I seriously had no idea about any of this at the time.

Before we saw the end of September, J and I broke up. It wasn't really a sudden thing but began with another scene with T. J wasn't there this time and T ended up sucking my tits during the scene...which was all well and good for me but the blurry line of non-sexual and sexual felt slightly crossed and I felt guilty and had T stop. We both thought it was interesting that it wasn't because I had a problem with what he was doing but because I worried about what J would think. When I approached J with what had happened, he took that time to tell me that he was going to be going back to school again and would probably not have the time to spend with me that I needed. He went on to suggest that maybe T and I should get together because he felt like there may have been something between us anyway. I wasn't so sure about that but I did understand about J going back to school. I would be free again to date as I pleased and yet I felt so sad about it.

That's when I began my initiative to 'quit dating'. I decided I was going to pursue my passions and stop worrying so much about finding Mr. Right; maybe then he'd find me instead. I also decided to stop playing even non-sexually for a while. The 'kid in a candy store' mindset in regards to rope and bondage had kind of worn off and I didn't quite have the budget to keep it up. Needless to say, at the October Bondage is the Point party, I think T missed me since I couldn't make it. We still met up for cocoa/coffee and visited here and there though. We did end up going to another play party that month and this time when he played with my breasts more, I felt great about it. The scene ended with me bound, my head in his lap, licking his cock through his jeans while he talked dirty to me as if I was really giving him head. It was then that I knew I would be comfortable getting more sexual with T. After that scene, it was the first time I ever kissed him on the lips and I think he really took that to heart, knowing I had only been willing to kiss him on the cheek up until that point.

But it wasn't until the beginning of November that we had our first scene outside of the club. I was both wary and excited. It's one thing to have someone 'do things' to you in a public environment and quite another to have someone do so in your own home where nobody else is around. Even still, after our last scene, I had communicated to him that I definitely wanted to start getting more sexual with him in our play...maybe just giving him head to start with. I remember quite clearly that we had a nice scene that night and it was almost over and we hadn't really done anything sexual yet and I was actually feeling a little disappointed. He has been fairly wary about what new steps he takes with me, even now and I really respect him for that. I was blindfolded at the time and I heard him kind of sigh and say 'alright i guess we're going to try this' and then I heard him unzipping his jeans and taking them off. The next thing I knew, he was holding me by the hair and positioning his cock in front of my mouth where I gladly accepted it.

I love giving head and having a guy take control makes it so much better....then to also be tied up while it's happening just blew my mind...and apparently it blew his too. =) Afterward, we both ended up cuddling in my bed and talking and somewhere in the conversation he actually said the words: "I want to be your daddy" and my heart melted. We talked over the details a little bit and decided we would go slow and I also mentioned that I was still dating a couple other guys that had come along. He decided he'd get a smartphone that would allow him to better communicate with me via text. I started calling him Daddy and he started calling me princess. =)

That month we met up more often at my place and he'd even stay the night. At one point, I told him that I really liked him a lot but I wasn't feeling any romance between us....and it was a little confusing. He decided to take things to the next level and the next time we met up, he brought me roses and a card and what he wrote in the card made me cry, happy tears. We began going on dates. We dressed up, me in a dress, him in a suit, and went to the ballet. At some point, we started playing more at his house too. As November went by and then December arrived, we found ourselves growing ever closer to each other, romantically and sexually.

The other two guys I had been dating kind of dropped off the map and frankly, that was just fine with me because my heart already belonged to T. He accompanied me to a wedding and afterward, gave me a ring to signify our relationship. He called it a 'girlfriend ring'. I bawled while I hugged him tight.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas together and with my family and officially became 'monogamous' too. I won't go into too much of a description of my feelings for him and how amazed I am at who he is and how wonderful he is. The poetry I've written (and will probably continue to write) already tells that. =)

Our most recent adventure has been to start getting more into D/s. I'm finding that because I already love and trust him wholly with my heart that it's almost easy to trust him fully with my body and my freedom. It's still something we're working into slowly but I think we are both enjoying the vanilla dating aspects as well as the bdsm and sexual aspects of our relationship. We aren't afraid to talk about marriage or moving in together in the future and yet at the same time, we are just enjoying what we have now with each other, in the moment. In fact, we already started thinking up some 2012 goals that involve both of us.

I look back at how things fell into place and laugh. It's interesting how Daddy kind of waited patiently for things to happen while I was completely blind to his desires.

But I'm so glad we found each other Daddy. Happy new year to us. =)

I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite curious...here I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my mind...in fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:

1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive

Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

The knot in my stomach

I've recently been under consideration of a dominant man. We've been trying to take it slow but over the last two weekends, we've spent a lot of time together. I've communicated when I've felt good about how things are as well as when I had concerns and he's handled that communication in a very understanding way.

As a person, he seems both experienced and educated while not being too quick to react to things but instead thinking them through. Even though he seems to find me intensely attractive, he hasn't acted on those desires yet and instead has proven that he is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person first. I've pleasantly watched his demeanor when meeting some of my friends in the lifestyle and liked seeing that he was very personable and welcoming.

As of yet, we have not played in a scene but I have still enjoyed some little interactions with him: when he randomly pinches me to make me squeal or squirm, grabbing my hair and pulling me to him, or grabbing me and pulling me back down when I try to leave the bed before he says I can. Most surprising to me, the few times he has very seriously demanded I not argue or interrupt him, I have reacted positively and respectfully. I think I may actually be reaching a part of me that enjoys 'being put in my place'.

So when he says "I want to talk to you about some more behavior modifications", why do I suddenly feel so defensive and closed off? And why do I feel so worried or upset about what he could be wanting to modify? Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for where I fit in the midst of things and then I feel like I'm questioning everything all over again. Why can't I just let that roll off my shoulders and remember that if something doesn't sit well with me, I still have a choice? Or even more importantly, that maybe this life isn't for me? Why can't the knot in my stomach remember all of that?

Spanked to Tears

Last night I cried. It was a first for me, not because I had never cried before (far from it!) but because it was my first time crying in a scene.

Beforehand, I had told Z that if I cried it was definitely not a sign that he needed to stop the scene. I wanted to cry. I needed that release. And simply talking about it , I almost felt like bursting into tears right then. Not because of him or even anything in my current everyday life but an emotional hurt inside me.

He tied me to the rack with my back to him and my arms outstretched above me and began simply spanking my ass. It started out light of course, as he warmed me up but soon got heavier. My whines and moans began pretty quickly. It's an odd sound I make...not a scream...it's more like a moan...and when something hurts even more, it starts out sounding like a moan and turns into a high pitched whine.

I had worn a thong that that night, baring my ass more than I have in the past and yet I found even still, I was much more closer to screaming when he hit the tops of my thighs than anything else.

At some point in the scene, I began mentally using what I call my "crying words". Things I know I can tell myself that aren't necessarily true that will either make me cry or make me cry harder because they really emotionally hurt.

Examples: "My parents don't love me", "I'm sorry I failed you, Mom and Dad", "I broke the family apart", "I let you down", "I failed you", "I deserve this for what I did", "Mom's health is failing because of me", and lots more. In a way, it was less about words and more about feelings of hurt and guilt.

At one point my mind was back to when I was a kid and my dad used to spank us when we had done something wrong. He'd look us in the eye and ask us why we were getting spanked and we'd have to re-iterate what we'd done wrong, between tears of anticipation. Then he'd have us pull our pants down and bend over his knee and he'd spank us with his bare hand. Hard, fast, strong. We'd wiggle and squirm and cry but there was no getting away. I always remembered afterward, feeling relieved that it was over and knowing I would try my best to never do whatever it was I had done...again.

With all of this happening in my head, tears came to my eyes. My moans and whines were mixed with small quiet sobs. At one point, Z stopped and realized he'd really done some damage to my left cheek. He asked me how I was doing and whether I wanted to continue and I told him he should probably even it out and make the other cheek match lol.

More sobbing, whining, moaning. By the time he stopped again, I was definitely feeling a sense of release. I think I really wanted to cuddle at that point but it was early and I didn't want to be done yet. So when he asked how I was doing, I said I had learned my lesson but maybe he could hogtie me and tickle me. Some much lighter play was definitely in order.

Tying, smiling, tickling, laughing, giggling, squirming, screaming, bunny hopping, shrieking all commenced in the usual fashion that my tickling scenes seem to happen nowadays and another hour went by. When it was over, I was pooped. Z untied me and we cuddled for a while and then it was time to get dressed, help him ravel up rope, and clean up. I visited with some of the other folk there and one of my friends made smirking comments like "Wow you need a ball gag" and "Sounded like he was playing with a monkey!". I just smiled and blushed.

After visiting for a little bit, I decided I was ok to drive and needed to get home to my bed. Not without staring at my ass in the mirror, mouth agape. I think that's the heaviest marks I've ever had and it was just his hand this time.

All-in-all, it was a good experience. It's the first time I processed pain that way before. I've had things in my life that were painful physically and they triggered an emotional response like that before...but they were always unexpected. This was more planned. I don't think it's the way I will always approach an impact scene though. There may come a point where the impact is much faster and painful and crying words wont necessarily be needed. I just don't know if I can really take that kind of pain yet.

I do still like approaching spanking from a more light hearted and playful angle as well. There's something attractive about having my butt turn a nice shade of red and feeling warm. Plus there's something in me that longs to submit to a special man in my life. Whether it's punishment or "funishment", it's still at least partially attractive to me in that dynamic. There's something very submissive and little girl about it.

Virgin's First One Night Stand

I usually take dating pretty seriously. I like when a guy comes out to my town for the first date and meets me at a coffee shop and we can get to know each other a little bit in an easygoing environment. For the most part, I don't get sexually involved until the third or fourth date and/or we have approached a mutual agreement on our relationship. Mind you, I have been known to approach things differently on occasion and it usually jumps up and bites me and I retreat back to my safe way dating.

Well yesterday, I once again journeyed out of my comfort zone and met a guy at a bar in downtown Seattle. My reasoning for this was that I would be in Seattle anyway for Rope Enthusiasts Group. We met at the Whiskey bar and each shared a couple drinks and enjoyed each other's company but it was still early. He suggested we take a cab up to Captiol Hill and visit some other places up there and I agreed because I liked what I saw so far and wanted to continue enjoying his company.

What resulted was three more bars, three more drinks, and three more shots which of course equated to me being completely plastered. At some point leading up to that, he started getting more touchy-feely and I was definitely welcoming it. His arm around me here, him pulling me onto his lap there, even sneaking kisses here and there. Warning bells probably should have been going off in my head because again, I don't usually get that physical so quickly. It probably didn't help that he was an attractive black guy with muscles that made me swoon. After my last drink at the last bar, my memory gets a little fuzzy on what happened.

I remember being too drunk to even think about driving home. I remember him saying we could take a cab back to his place and we could cuddle. I remember being worried about my car being towed if I wasn't back by 1am. I remember crying and being a bit of an emotional wreck. I don't remember arriving at his place or removing my underwear. I do remember giving him head. I also remember turning my head and puking over the side of the bed because my gag reflex was much more sensitive because of the alcohol. I do remember that once I found out that what he meant by 'cuddle' was to have sex with me, I resisted, put my dress back on, and started to leave. I don't remember why I stayed. I do remember him having both vaginal and anal sex with me and that I enjoyed both the pain and pleasure involved. I also remember him telling me to be quiet because I couldn't contain my moans of pain or pleasure.

At some point during the night, between getting up to drink water, going to the bathroom, forcing myself to vomit, I must have gotten some sleep. He held me close and I didn't know what to feel except my pounding head and aching stomach. And yet I still wanted him. Again. Maybe it was because I had already done it, I was no longer a virgin, so how could doing it again be any worse? He was spooning me and I was able to arouse him enough by moving my butt up against him and after a short time, he took that as a cue. He took his hand and massaged the area of my clitoris and then rubbed his cock along my ass and my pussy back and forth, waiting for me to moisten up.

I have to admit to hoping he'd put it in my ass again because the anal from the night before was more memorable. Then again, I've always fantasized about anal anyway. He eventually placed me on my back and got on top of me, spread my legs wide and put his cock in my pussy. It didn't go in easy and it was definitely at least partially painful but he kept going and as he set into a rhythm the pleasure outweighed the pain and I wrapped both my arms and legs around him. After a few minutes he was obviously getting close and asked if it was ok if he came inside me and I said yes....so he did. We both went back to sleep again for a while and at some point, I finally got up and called a cab.

It's hard to say what was going through my head at that point. I felt a mixture of satisfaction, yearning for more, and yet sadness as well. There's also of course the stupidity of not using safe sex. I may have gotten lucky this time because we both are clean but I won't really know that for sure until I get retested again in a few months.

It wasn't until the cabbie mentioned that if he's with a girl that's drunk, he won't touch her, that the word rape ever even came to mind. And suddenly the sadness started overwhelming me. If I had not been drunk, I wouldn't have had sex with a guy I only just met. I would not have lost my virginity to a guy that I will probably never see again. I know these things to be fact. And now I'm caught up in a turmoil of emotions. I liked the sex. I liked his body. I want more. And I showed that by followup sex in the morning that was most definitely consensual. Yet I know I don't just want sex, I need so much more. I need love, I need romance....along with the sex. And now I feel a little cheap, like a prostitute used for a one night stand. And yet a part of me still craves more of the same.

There was definitely a point where my submissive side stepped in last night and I gave my all to him. Yet I don't want to give that to just some guy I met that day. I want it to be special, to mean so much more than that. But now that I've given that for the first time, I feel like a barrier has dropped. My sexual boundaries that I held so strong to for so long are falling away and I'm scared. I don't want to take this and let everything go.

I'm changed forever now and I don't know what that means to me quite yet.

Sunday's Rope Events

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this experience or not. Really, there isn't too much to tell but it's still worth mentioning.

Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.

That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.

I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.

And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.

I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.

We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.

One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)

So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)

The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.

He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)

Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.

It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.

I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.

He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.

They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.

So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)

Bordering on Poly

I made a joke the other day with a friend. I said "You know, if I end up playing with a few service tops regularly, even if it's all non-sexual, I'll kind of be acting poly". She laughed at that because she really wants to convert me to Poly.

That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.

What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.

Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.

Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.

One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.

And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.

That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?

My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?

I don't know.

For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.

Walking a fine line

Last night I started my membership at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. Wow I never thought I'd be a member at a 'sex club'. Life is funny sometimes.

Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.

We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.

Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.

The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We  did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".

Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.

So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.

I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.

After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.

So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.

He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.

He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.

What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and  moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.

Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.

I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all.  But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.

That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.

So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.

Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.

Do past hurts translate to presently needed pain?

In my exploration of bdsm so far, I've been attracted to both submission and helplessness in the bedroom. I haven't taken a huge interest in pain but it does pique my interest, especially within the throws of helplessness.

That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.

Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.

I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.

Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?

Wow = My First Play Party (BitP)

I called this weekend a "BDSM Weekend". I went to YAREG, the SBS Brunch, and "Bondage is the Point" at the CSPC.

My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.

I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.

Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.

Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.

The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.

He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.

Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.

Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.

The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.

I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.

At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.

A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.

One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".

At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.

At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.

Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.

I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.

The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush

It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.

Connection/Chemistry vs. Submission

My heart needs a deep connection and chemistry with someone special. Someone who will essentially sweep me off my feet and yet feel the same about me. It doesn't have to be instant but it's usually something that happens within one or two dates. Or it doesn't.

Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.

But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.

I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.

Imagining Aftercare

I've had some discussion about aftercare with a couple different people lately and wanted to further write about it on my own.

First off, I have yet to experience a real scene. I've only experienced some bondage play and a few things at a tasting event up to this point. That being said, I have a distinct idea in my mind of aftercare and what it means to me and why I need it.

I am imagining going through an intense scene with my partner who is more than just my Dom but also my boyfriend. He has a need to take out his aggression, his dominance, on me, my body, my emotions, my heart, my soul. The scene could of course be different from time to time but I'm imagining feeling pain, pleasure, helplessness maybe to the point of ecstacy and/or pain tolerance limits...a very heightened state, whatever it is. Part of it is a need to feel pain to feel helpless and part of it is a need to please my daddy.

When it is finished, I can feel myself in such a scene, needing to be held, cuddled, comforted, consoled, loved....audibly, physically, emotionally. I can imagine him trying to express his love for me and his pride that I could do all of that for him and his pleasure/gratefulness in it all.

It goes back to something I told someone else recently as well: "I need to be fucked, abused, used, yet still loved". I need it all for some reason, some mix of that. There's a mix of emotional and sexual needs involved.
The sex/play without the love or emotions does not entice me quite the same and the love/emotions/romance does not entice me the way it used to...alone. I need both of those so very much from that someone I would call Daddy, Dom, Boyfriend, Master, partner.

Does anyone else relate to this?

Troubled about non-sexual submission

I'm starting to wonder if I'm more of a bottom than a submissive. I was conversing with someone recently about D/s and the subject of non-sexual submission came up and I realized that I really have a hard time putting myself in a position to submit myself non-sexually.

Sexually, it turns me on to no end to think of submitting in so many different ways to the man I trust and care for....but non-sexually, out of the bedroom? I really just don't know. The thought of being forced to obey him in things like what to wear or what to eat or what to buy or not buy and service-related activities, especially on an everyday basis, just makes me cringe.

It sounds more like a slave or something 24/7 and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I feel like I need my independence somewhere in a relationship....or some equal footing. In the bedroom you can do what you want with me (within limits) but outside of that I don't know.

Clothes are one example...sure I want to please my man and dress how he wants me to dress at times...but I still need room for my own creativity and style and unique character as well.

Then there's the Daddy/Little girl thing which is actually NOT sexual for the most part...and more of a way of expressing the younger, more innocent side of me with someone I'm intimately close to that can act more like a loving father figure. That could be where the submission crosses over out of the bedroom but even still, i just don't think I can do that or be that....24/7.

Empowered by Tasting

Sunday night, I attended a 'tasting event' at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. I have to admit being increasingly nervous up to the point of actually walking into the building. I might have avoided going altogether if I hadn't already promised a few people I was going to be there...and my curiosity and excitement overpowered my anxiety only slightly.

There was a potluck beforehand and once I found the right building and room to be in, I felt more comfortable. I was approached by and introduced to a few people during the potluck and that made things even more comfortable.

Then the big moment came, it was time to go to the tasting. I walked around signing up for this or that still nervous and excited. They announced that it was time for the tastings and the tops started calling out names already. Eeek! A friend I made at the potluck pulled me back to the lockers and we both undressed to our lingerie. She had on a babydoll and I have to admit I felt a little embarrassed I hadn't thought of something like that. All I had was my bra and panties (which say: KISS THIS on the back). But I strutted back out into the main area anyway (yes I kept my heels on ;).

I have to admit, I expected more people to be just down to their underwear or even naked but most were fully clothed. I had originally only been planning to strip down if the majority of other people did as well but my new friend had been a bit of encouragement. I suppose I could have been embarrassed about it, being one of the only people (at least at first) walking around in just her underwear but something clicked in my mind and it went the other way. I found myself strutting around, smiling at everyone (and I seemed to get lots of smiles back too for some reason! lol) and just having a good time. It was warm enough in there with all the people and of course the activities.

I ended up trying flogging, spanking, violet wand, suspension bondage, floor bondage, and saran wrap bondage. It was all fun but I found myself enjoying the bondage parts the most and the other events, I felt like they just needed bondage added to them to make them more fun. =) I'm not a masochist so being flogged or spanked alone didn't do much for me...but the feeling of being helpless, tied up in ropes or saran wrap....really felt good....and imagining being flogged or spanked or tickled (etc) while being tied up, unable to move but being forced to be there and take it...that adds fuel to the feeling for me.

I had originally signed up for one of the 2 bondage stations, not realizing one could be for suspension and one could be for floor bondage. So I got on the floor bondage list a little late and was much farther down the list. As the night was getting closer to being over, I felt pretty good but I still wanted to try the floor bondage. The top doing that event looked like she was about done but she let one more girl go and she said I could be the last. She hogtied that girl and then tried to figure out what to do for me. She decided on some kind of makeshift crucification one or something. She said I would have some choices as to what positions were most comfortable and I asked her "Will I be totally helpless?" with a hopeful gleam in my eye. She smiled and said "yes mostly".

So she tied my arms to a pole, tied my left leg bent in on itself and my right leg to the same pole my arms were tied to. Then she sat back and watched and laughed as I tried to find a comfortable position. I smiled and struggled at the bonds. I moved around in all kinds of positions and found myself a bit helpless at times. =) She helped me once move back to a certain position but I soon found myself back in that helpless position. A few people came over and watched and laughed and egged me on and I just smiled and giggled and struggled.

At some point, I started to get free and with a lot more work and time, I was able to break free completely. Not that I wanted to! haha. The top that tied me up commented by saying "You didn't tell me you were an escape artist" and I laughed. In reality, I just enjoyed feeling helpless with an audience and isn't a part of being truly helpless, struggling? It was fun and hot. Probably my favorite part of the whole night.
I drove home that night feeling very happy for some reason....almost empowered. I almost wanted to celebrate somehow. I had discovered more of this side of me and it felt good. Although it opened up more questions too. I felt like "Wow, I could really enjoy a rope-play-party" but at the same time, I'm unsure of my sexual limits and yet a part of rope-play I definitely want to experience at some point will be the sexual additions to it. But I still see the ultimate pleasure of it being with that one true special person for me and him alone.

Little girl vs. Experienced Woman

My mind and heart have been at arms over the last 24 hours or so. I recently met with a guy who I now call Daddy and we had our first date. It was my first experience of any kind of D/s relationship intermingled with the beginnings of hopefully a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.