Thursday, September 15, 2011

Eager Needy Struggles

As I mentioned in a previous note, I am under consideration by someone and we are taking things pretty slow. I wrote the last note trying to express my desperation and worry about what he might have planned for me involving "behavior modification". We talked about it over the phone that night and by his actions and his words, he reminded me that I could trust him and that he had my best interests at heart.

Anyway, he's been giving me assignments, mostly involving understanding and recognizing when actual abuse occurs. He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to abuse me in any way and wants me to understand the difference between living in a loving D/s relationship (where we often use the words 'used and abused') and real actual unwanted abuse. I more than appreciate this sentiment and frankly it's both wonderful and yet confusing to try to understand how equality and D/s work together in such a relationship.

All of that being said, we've been taking things extremely slow. He wants to wait 90 days until we have sex. He wants to get to know me better as a person and make sure that this relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship. It also allows for us to see clearly whether we will work together or not. I have to say I really admire him for that and I feel very grateful but I've also been struggling with how extremely slow things are going.

In 3 weeks, we've been on a lot of different dates involving the movies, cocoa, the park, hanging out at my place, talking by the waterfront at sunset, etc. There's been some snuggling, cuddling, kissing, and hugging. He even spanked me once but later said that he stopped because he was getting too turned on.

And yet I feel very eager. I'm eager to get to know him better. I'm eager to be intimate with him in more ways than one. I'm eager to play with him in a scene. I'm eager to be trained in many ways. I'm eager for many things as a submissive babygirl brand new to the lifestyle. And frankly it's not really about sex. Sure I'd like to have sex but I am definitely ok with waiting for that. The problem I think is that so many things are tied to the possibility of having sex.

For example, I would love to hang out on the couch and just make out. Maybe we could eventually work into second base or what I like to call 'boob love'. Maybe at some point oral sex would come into play. Or more on the D/s side of things,spanking or bondage or any other kind of scene. All of those involve getting a little more physical and getting to know each other better in more than just mere words.

I think part of it is also that my major love language is Physical Touch. I feel loved and cared for by touch, in fact I crave it. Not from just anyone mind you, but someone special. I know he's interested and I know he cares for me in some way but I guess my body still needs to experience it in some of the ways I've outlined above.

It's confusing for me because I'm bombarded by these needs and yet his logic rings true too; getting to know each other first is wise. Also I'm not giving into any cognitive distortions that would tell me that his lack of physical advances means he doesn't want me because I know that's not true. I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of less extreme solution; somewhere we can meet in the middle. 

While I'm on the subject, this has started to shed some light on my neediness. Over the past couple weeks, we've mostly spent time together on the weekends because we both have busy lives during the week. That plus the fact that we don't quite seem to be able to connect over electronic mediums the way we do in person can make for a hard week. I am pretty independent and I am always busy but I'm also used to being able to connect with whoever I'm dating when not in person and that just doesn't seem to work in this situation. I can only see it getting harder to connect and make time for each other as he enters into his final year of pre-law while trying to work part time.

So I guess we'll see how things go. I'm trying to be patient yet communicative and open.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'm not a masochist?

I'm not a masochist. I've said that quite often throughout my journey. What I mean by that is that by experiencing a physically painful sensation, it in no way translates to a sexual pleasing sensation. Then again, I call myself a rope slut and yet being tied up does not necessarily provide a sexual sensation for me either. It does however stimulate pleasure centers in my brain and I've recognized that as a kink for feeling helpless. With that information in mind, I'm beginning to believe that experiencing pain can have the same effect when feeding into that core of myself that longs to feel helpless and powerless. 

Saturday night, I had a play date with a Top I had only played with for a short time once thus far. Let's call him S. We had both enjoyed the time we had together the last time but it was cut short because of how late we got started that night. We had soon scheduled Saturday's play date and I think both rather looked forward to it.

In the meantime, I've still been analyzing myself and my feelings when it comes to impact play. I've experienced it with a couple of different tops and my feelings about it have been mixed. I've been spanked lightly, even teasingly and found pleasure in that. I've been spanked till I cried and found a great release in that. And frankly I was starting to see how being spanked as a form of punishment or motivation would feel for me as well. Because of all this, I actually started to have doubts about whether I wanted to play with S that night because I still wasn't sure I understood what it meant for me.

I arrived at the party right when it started and I relaxed and socialized with a bunch of people. That alone felt good and set me at ease. When S finally arrived, I found that for once I wasn't jumping to have him get started but instead that I could sit there and talk to him and let him take the lead about when and how we would start.

It was probably at least an hour before we began but I soon found myself naked except for panties, doing various stretches on a sheet laid out on the floor. Then he started wrapping rope around me and yet I found it funny that we kept talking about random other things. As he tied a complex box tie binding my hands behind me, I also took note of the way he held me; it was almost like we were cuddling while he tied. After tying me in a couple other places and tethering me to the hard point, he began by testing pressure points on me. Some of them tickled, most of them hurt, all of them made me squirm and squeal.

He eventually applied a blindfold and slowly worked into impact play. He used his bare hand as well as various canes and floggers. He was attempting to warm me up and yet I was already screaming. I found that fact amusing. Yes I could take pain and yes I may enjoy it in some way and yet I reminded myself that my threshold for pain was probably much lower than most. After giving my ass a beating, S soon found my kryptonite: my thighs. Sometimes I feel like you could slap my butt all day but if you start hitting my thighs, the level of pain goes up exponentially for me. I am pretty sure he figured this out by the way my screams changed when he began hitting me there.

The thing about caning is you can hit very lightly and at first it feels just fine but when you start hitting that same spot over and over, the level of pain goes up quite fast. I found myself screaming, crying, and even trying to squirm away from him. Part of that was a natural reaction of trying to get away from the pain and part of it was actually done while giggling in an attempt to amuse him because I could obviously not really get away. He'd laugh and pull me back and start caning again.

He actually laughed periodically throughout the scene and I liked that he wasn't Dom-serious the whole time. Interestingly enough we had a conversation mid-scene about his Teflon cane and I asked him if that meant you couldn't use a metal spatula on it and we both laughed. That being said, I also found myself giggling at random points at things he said. And I found that quite I was screaming and crying and then suddenly randomly giggling???? I guess it kind of shows the light-heartedness that was still happening amidst the darkness of the scene.

Now most of you know that I don't make it a habit of cussing but a few times in the scene I started saying 'fuck' in between screams. Not fuck you, not fuck off...just fuck....or maybe even 'fuck that hurts!'. I think I once again amused S though because he was not used to me swearing lol.

At one point, he untied me, stood me up and led me over to the spanking bench and tied my hands and legs to it. I think by that time I was more than warmed up and the high point of the scene happened on that bench. I found myself sobbing in between screams and the screams were real screams. I don't think I had screamed like that before. Each hit brought me from  moan to whine to shriek to scream and I'd struggle and cry continually. Something I didn't notice till after the scene is that whenever I reached the screaming point, he'd stop or move to a different area to give that area a breather and not send me too far over the edge.

Something else I took note of much later on is the fact that I was nowhere near needing to call a safeword. It wasn't even in my mind as an option. It wasn't needed. Yet there were times, previous scenes before in the beginning where I monitored the level of pain and wasn't sure if I could take much more. But here I was taking the most pain I'd ever taken to date and calling a safeword was the farthest thing from my fact I can honestly say I was enjoying the scene *gasp*!

Did the pain translate to a sexual 'turn-on' feeling? No it hurt like hell and I made that clear to everyone else in the room by my screaming. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I enjoyed being helpless and at his mercy, I enjoyed knowing that my automatic reactions (screaming, squirming, crying) were pleasing to him, and I enjoyed the release of crying even if it was for no apparent reason other than the fact that I was in pain. And the crying actually brought out the little girl inside of me as well.

 Finally there came a point where S decided the scene was over. I was pretty much unmoving on the bench. He slowly untied me and helped me off the bench and back down on the sheet on the floor. He got me a blanket and cuddled next to me for a while. He kept saying that I was 'awesome' and that made me feel good. I felt similarly about him just then. I felt like I could fall asleep right there and yet I was also completely starving. After some time, he got up to go smoke and I got up, got dressed, ate some gummy bears and drank some more water. I decided I was going to stop by Taco Bell on the way home because I was way too ravenous not to.

So where does this leave me? Well I don't know really. I feel like I learned some things about myself and there were a lot of surprising things going on in that one little scene. I did thoroughly enjoy myself and would do it again in a heartbeat. Meanwhile since then, I've tried to continue saying I'm not a masochist and people have given me knowing looks as if I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am.

The dictionary says the definition of a masochist is:
1. a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissive
Oddly enough, I'm finding myself somewhere among those words. Who would've thought?

Monday, September 5, 2011

The knot in my stomach

I've recently been under consideration of a dominant man. We've been trying to take it slow but over the last two weekends, we've spent a lot of time together. I've communicated when I've felt good about how things are as well as when I had concerns and he's handled that communication in a very understanding way.

As a person, he seems both experienced and educated while not being too quick to react to things but instead thinking them through. Even though he seems to find me intensely attractive, he hasn't acted on those desires yet and instead has proven that he is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person first. I've pleasantly watched his demeanor when meeting some of my friends in the lifestyle and liked seeing that he was very personable and welcoming.

As of yet, we have not played in a scene but I have still enjoyed some little interactions with him: when he randomly pinches me to make me squeal or squirm, grabbing my hair and pulling me to him, or grabbing me and pulling me back down when I try to leave the bed before he says I can. Most surprising to me, the few times he has very seriously demanded I not argue or interrupt him, I have reacted positively and respectfully. I think I may actually be reaching a part of me that enjoys 'being put in my place'.

So when he says "I want to talk to you about some more behavior modifications", why do I suddenly feel so defensive and closed off? And why do I feel so worried or upset about what he could be wanting to modify? Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for where I fit in the midst of things and then I feel like I'm questioning everything all over again. Why can't I just let that roll off my shoulders and remember that if something doesn't sit well with me, I still have a choice? Or even more importantly, that maybe this life isn't for me? Why can't the knot in my stomach remember all of that?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Understanding Discipline

"We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment." -Jim Rohn
I've been pondering the concepts of discipline and punishment for a while now. When I first started getting involved in the community, my main interests were purely sexual. I imagined being tied up and fucked and used in the bedroom and then returning to a normal looking vanilla girlfriend/boyfriend relationship for the rest of the time. Terms like 24x7 or Master/slave loomed over me like thunderclouds and I denied being interested in any of that. In my past, I would have put things I don't understand into a box and left them alone but nowadays, I try to get a better handle on things I don't understand and only then, make judgements about whether I fit into those categories or not.

When I started blogging about this journey, I began reading the blogs of other submissive women as well. I've seen a plethora of 24x7, D/s, Master/slave, and even other mixes of the dynamics in between. I've beared witness to punishments, heard instances of spanking for pleasure, even to the point of orgasm, and read about rules that many live under.

It was actually a fictional story by one of the bloggers I read that caught my attention more than anything. In the story, the woman is considering becoming a certain man's submissive/slave and he asks her what things in her life she wishes she could accomplish but never gets around to. She's of course embarrassed about it but admits to all kinds of things she just doesn't make time for from body image to passions in life.

Reading about that completely struck me. Aren't there things in my own life that I just get lazy about but I really do want for myself? Of course! And I made a list:
* Having a flat tummy
* Getting enough sleep
* Keep my apartment clean
* Not texting and driving
Those are just the most obvious ones but I'm sure there are more. So why don't I do those? Why can't I bring myself to accomplish or adhere to those things? I think it's merely a lack of motivation and willpower. So in a D/s relationship, it can be putting the motivation and willpower in the hands of the dominant where the submissive may lack those qualities.

And suddenly discipline as a concept started to make some sense. It isn't all about punishment but more appropriately about adhering to certain rules and guidelines for the betterment of one's self. Of course there can be more to it, depending on the relationship and the players involved. I can already imagine some more playful "rules" where the only intention would be to remind one of their submission to someone else and some of that may have a humiliating effect as well.

With that in mind, I came up with some rules that I am curious about as an example:
Constructive Rules:
* having a bedtime
* getting up with enough time to get ready
* doing laundry right away, not letting it sit for days
* clean apartment/bathrooms semi-weekly
* keep bills/statements filed away instead of stacked around
* some kind of workout regimen required

Playful rules (some of which may have a temporary duration)
* asking permission to use the restroom
* asking permission to come and/or masturbate
* having my underwear picked out for me
* always wearing a collar/necklace/anklet (stealth)
* wearing buttplugs under clothes
* wearing no panties under clothes
Once I understood about discipline itself, I began to ponder how realistic it would be to keep to any of these rules. Some would say that's where punishment comes into the picture. Yet I've heard others argue that wanting to please a dominant should be motivation enough.

In my journey so far, I've mostly experienced what it's like to be a bottom for a scene. It's all been pretty light hearted, playful, and short. Thus I have only experienced impact play in a consensual atmosphere, not in any form of actual punishment. In fact, every time I try to imagine really being punished physically, it takes me back to when I was a child and my dad spanked me when I did something wrong. Part of me likes that feeling, being put in my place, especially as a little girl, and yet the "independent adult" part of me severely fights any such ideas, knowing full well that by government law, I do not need to submit to any authority in such a manner.

And yet it still amazes me that even part of me wants it. That even a part of me wants to be put in my place, to submit to an intimate authority figure, to give up actual rights....not just for play or for sex but for the betterment of myself and for love of the other person. And that segways into my next thought. I can't see trying to make this kind of discipline and/or punishment work with someone I don't feel very intimately involved with. I mean if I do something wrong and it's a brand new relationship, will I still submit to a punishment? I have to admit that I'd be less likely to do so without that intimate bond and trust already in place. Of course the alternative is walking away but again if it's early on, what really has been lost in doing so?

I speak of course of my own thoughts and how I think it might work for me and that in no way says this is how it works for anyone else. But I suspect many may relate.

I want to conclude this post by acknowledging the quote I put at the top of the post. It's a quote I happened upon when I was looking for quotes about regret and yet it really fit with my thoughts on discipline. In life, whether it's bdsm, D/s, or vanilla....relationships, work, or free time, it really rings true: either we experience discipline or we experience regret. I don't know if I'll ever find the right man for the amount of trust and patience I feel would be needed for this type of dynamic but if I do, it will be an interesting exploration.