Monday, September 5, 2011

The knot in my stomach

I've recently been under consideration of a dominant man. We've been trying to take it slow but over the last two weekends, we've spent a lot of time together. I've communicated when I've felt good about how things are as well as when I had concerns and he's handled that communication in a very understanding way.

As a person, he seems both experienced and educated while not being too quick to react to things but instead thinking them through. Even though he seems to find me intensely attractive, he hasn't acted on those desires yet and instead has proven that he is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person first. I've pleasantly watched his demeanor when meeting some of my friends in the lifestyle and liked seeing that he was very personable and welcoming.

As of yet, we have not played in a scene but I have still enjoyed some little interactions with him: when he randomly pinches me to make me squeal or squirm, grabbing my hair and pulling me to him, or grabbing me and pulling me back down when I try to leave the bed before he says I can. Most surprising to me, the few times he has very seriously demanded I not argue or interrupt him, I have reacted positively and respectfully. I think I may actually be reaching a part of me that enjoys 'being put in my place'.

So when he says "I want to talk to you about some more behavior modifications", why do I suddenly feel so defensive and closed off? And why do I feel so worried or upset about what he could be wanting to modify? Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for where I fit in the midst of things and then I feel like I'm questioning everything all over again. Why can't I just let that roll off my shoulders and remember that if something doesn't sit well with me, I still have a choice? Or even more importantly, that maybe this life isn't for me? Why can't the knot in my stomach remember all of that?


  1. It sounds like your new relationship is off to a wonderful begining.
    Instead of expecting the worse, have you asked him to explain the modifications? It could be something simple, something he sees in you that can improve. Don't think about it negatively until you absolutely need too.
    It's all about communication or so I have been told lol.
    Hugs :)

  2. @SBF - Thanks! That's exactly how I should have been. I even kept telling myself that he has my interest in mind and also that I still have a choice. But my tummy was still tied up in knots. We ended up talking about it last night some and he showed me once again how understanding and patient he can be with me. Makes me feel good. =)

  3. I think it's healthy to have reservations. I'd worry more if you didn't. I trust my husband of almost 17 yrs but it's still a challenge to submit to his punishments, takes a whole lot of trust. That trust is built over time. This man you just met has not even BEGUN to build that kind of trust.

    Take it slow. Everything will happen in it's time. :)

  4. @Stormy - Thanks for that! That's so so true. We ended up breaking up for other unrelated reasons but yeah the D/s or DD type of relationship seems like it needs a LOT of trust.