Jaded

Edit: I should probably preface this post and catch everyone up. A previous post on another blog which was duplicated as a journal entry on Fetlife never made it to this blog. It essentially explained that I felt the need to give up actively dating and start exploring my passions and maybe the right person would come along at some point. It was a recognition that I needed to start enjoying life instead being so involved in dating that it became a chore.

A lot has been happening in my life since I took the plunge and halted the active approach to dating I was taking for so long. I admit that after the first two weeks of self contemplation, I was tempted to give up and begin dating again but I didn't. Soon after that point, I found myself taking a more active stance in the community as well as in my own passion exploration. I began volunteering for various organizations in different ways. I reignited the passion I found in creating inspirational videos in a new way. And most recently, I also took an interest in modeling. I also slowed down my play time with my tops and have found a good balance there now.

In that time, although I was not actively dating, I did meet one last guy on OKCupid before I closed my account. We had been on a couple dates and I really liked him. He was vanilla but had enough of an interest in kink for me. On our second date, we watched movies at my place and made out and I even ended up sucking his cock some. It went pretty well. But he had other life issues going on that prevented either of us from getting too entangled. He plainly expressed his desire to get to know me better along with his apology for the baggage he was still dealing with. I honestly told him that it was no problem and that maybe when things settled down for him, we could pick up from there.

A couple weeks later, he re-initiated contact and we were going to do something casual like go bowling with some friends of mine. He ended up having to work the night of the bowling event but gave me a date and time a few days in the future when he would have time and we could hang out and "watch movies" again or something. I agreed and diligently put it on my calendar. Well the day came and I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't answer my text asking for his address that morning, nor the one asking if were "still on to hang out" just thirty minutes before the planned time. I figured at that point, I had done my due diligence but just in case, I gave him a call and only arrived at his voice mail.

Needless to say, I was a little pissed. It's bad enough to cancel plans at the last minute but to completely blow me off...that was just unacceptable. I haven't heard from him since and I told my mom that he'd probably need to arrive at my door with a dozen roses before I ever talked to him again. That being said, I was surprised that I wasn't disappointed because I felt anything for him emotionally so much as I had really wanted to suck his cock again. I'm not usually like that. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls for guys at the drop of a hat and my heart gets stomped on....casual sexual acts aren't usually something I participate in.

It worries me a little bit. He was one of the only guys that had ever tried to 'romance' me, going to great lengths of flowers and chocolate, yet I had successfully kept myself from feeling much for him except a 'possibility' and maybe some 'fun'. That's not necessarily bad, in fact it's probably good practice to not jump in with both feet emotionally but I guess I'm worried it was a sign I'd become jaded.

Most recently, I had a guy ask me for my number at a Halloween party and we've been getting to know each other in the week following. I find him attractive and I'm interested in him and yet I don't feel anything for him and that scares me a little bit because I see a pattern forming. I don't know what to think. I just hope that when the right guy does come along, that I can feel something emotional and romantic for him....and not just want to 'jump his bone', so to speak. Right now, I just don't know.