Month of Contrast, BiP to BiP

Life is funny sometimes. There are periods of time where nothing happens. No growth. No journey. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad...but it just happens. Then there are times where the opposite occurs.

I went to the August "Bondage is the Point" party at the Center last night. I can't believe it's already been a month since my last time attending this party....and back then it was my first party...and I wasn't even a member at the Center yet. That seems like ages ago and so much has changed in that one month. And yet more change is yet to come. I can feel it.

Over the last week or so, I've become comfortable, even satisfied, with the time in between scenes. Mind you, there is still a good amount of my free time spent speculating and trying to understand myself and bdsm but I haven't felt the "must have now" addicted feeling I was experiencing a month ago.

I arrived at the party with my friend P and I had really gone all out with makeup, hair, and my dress this time. The dress I wore was actually more like a cocktail dress or something you'd wear to a nice dinner or gathering. Last month, I was so worried about what I should wear...I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb and yet last night, I didn't care....or maybe I did want to stand out. =)

Throughout the last month, I've scheduled a good many scenes with tops ahead of time so I knew I was going to get tied up when I went to an event. There were a couple times where someone canceled or I just didn't have anything scheduled and I ended up finding a "pickup scene" easily enough. So going to this month's BiP, it was actually of no concern that I didn't have anyone lined up. I assumed that I would either find someone when I got there or I would merely enjoy the company and the beauty of the bondage scenes happening there. I felt content with the scenes I'd been involved in prior to that party and also knowing there would be more at a later date.

I chatted with a few people and made myself available to the Suspended Animation team in case they needed a bottom (as if they'd have any shortage of volunteers lol). Then my friend, T (the same top that tied me up at the last BiP) walked in. It was good to see him and I know he'd been very busy as of late so I hadn't heard from him in a while. We talked a little bit and he wanted to do a scene. He started by tying my ankles and shoes together and then I took my dress and bra off and he went from there. He tied me in at least 4 or 5 different variations of a hogtie throughout the scene and successfully found my ticklish spots while I was blindfolded and gagged, helpless to his will. Poor me. =)

"Do you want a blindfold [little girl]?" It's kind of funny that those words alone at the last BiP sparked my love of blindfolds and later gags. Of course when I say gags, I only mean duct tape at this point but I do hope to explore more with other gags as well. The sensory deprivation, the helplessness of being unable to speak are some things I quickly realized were much more than merely curiosities for me. I think the tops I've played with multiple times know fairly well they almost don't even have to ask whether I want a blindfold or a gag anymore. 

A couple positions there, I was as tight as I've ever been tied. I could barely wiggle at all, let alone turn over to my back and try other positions. He ended the scene by throwing me over his lap and tying my wrists to my ankles under the chair. The perfect spanking position. =) But no impact play was allowed at this party. Last month, that fact comforted me and yet this time, it made me feel a little sad. I've had 3 scenes now that involved some form of spanking and enjoyed them immensely.

When I first started out exploring bdsm, I imagined meeting a Daddy/Dom/Boyfriend that I could be monogamous with. We would play at home and at the Center and we would be friends and romantic partners with power exchange intermixed. After dating for a while and not finding that but still experiencing desires to explore, I began soliciting for Service Rope Tops to help me explore non-sexually.

I remember being so worried, especially after my first couple of experiences, that I would get too emotionally attached to any one of them because of the intimacy of the play involved, even when not sexual. I jumped in anyway and I have to say, that worry kind of fell away. In the last month, I've experienced around ten scenes with different tops and surprisingly, I haven't really felt conflicted with emotions I didn't want.

I can say, however, that the more I play with someone, the more I do feel closer to them. Someone explained it to me last night that sometimes things aren't just black and white....but shades of gray. There is definitely some form of friendship involved with the tops I've played with and possibly something more than that, even if not quite at the romantic level. There's definitely a feeling of 'closeness' and I don't feel like it's wrong or that it will get in the way of their other relationships or any romance I do end up pursuing myself.

As we came down from the scene, I actually asked him if he would cuddle with me. He seemed surprised but enthusiastic. I rolled over so he could spoon me first and eventually he laid on his back and I laid my head on his bicep with my arm across his tummy, hugging him.

The first few scenes I had, aftercare did not really involve much. I wasn't sure what I needed or wanted. Yet recently, I've found that I feel very cuddly after a scene and have ended up cuddling with the top. To some of you, that might not seem like a big deal but cuddling with someone is something fairly intimate for me and isn't something I will do with just anyone or at anytime, even now. But after a scene, I definitely feel that need and it helps me come down from my high.

It does make me wonder though. Could sex be treated like that at some point in the future? Whether I end up with a monogamous boyfriend or not, could I share a special part of me like that with others who were not necessarily fully committed and exclusive romantic partners? I guess only time and being honest with myself, will tell for sure.