The moment I lost control

A few years ago I saw a therapist regularly to help me through a process and once I had gone through that process, I didn't feel the need for therapy anymore. However, recently, I reconnected with my therapist for other reasons.

If you've read through this blog, you may have seen a continuing theme laced beneath the posts; a theme of inner conflict settling beneath shades of gray and black. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has had such feelings about being submissive and yet when surrounded by so many in the community who seem to just have it all down, it can be hard to relate.

From the beginning, I learned very quickly how easy it was to get hurt and be taken advantage of. My first date with a Daddy/Dom from FetLife was like nothing I'd ever experienced before and things came tumbling down around me so very fast.

He had given me explicit instructions as to what to wear to our first date and even asked me to send him pictures of different outfits that he could choose from. He chose the sluttiest clothes I owned at the time (of course) and I found myself waiting on the corner of a street in downtown Seattle before I realized the picturesque view I was giving off to all around: a prostitute looking for work. It was my first real humiliation scene and I hadn't even met the guy yet!

Of course now I look back on that and laugh. How naive was I, giving my submission and submitting to humiliation without even having had met the 'man in charge' yet? And yet I can easily remember that same inner conflict brewing within me during all of this. Desires for love and sex, intense and deep raced through my veins while opposing fears crawled through my mind. Would he pick out my clothes all of time from then on? Would I no longer have my own style and personality to put forth? Did I really want to give up that control to anyone?

Here in the present day, my heart is now deeply connected with a special man I call Daddy. He's not that first Daddy I met and he wasn't the next either. In fact, our relationship took months to get to that point. I realize now, that I needed it to happen that way: to build trust. We have many facets in our relationship and many of them are vanilla-centered. I learned fairly early on that when Daddy moved into 'scene-mode', he might say things that he would never really do. The first few times he did that, I was introduced to fear play/mindfuck and it sent me tumbling through confusion.

As our relationship progressed I asked him if he would take more control of my life, in particular, the things in my life I didn't feel like I was disciplined enough to deal with. We also delved more into D/s some, we worked through some punishment scenes, and we ran into landmines.

Each time, I'd look back on myself and wonder 'why did I freak out? Why do I ask him to take control but when he does so, my first knee jerk reaction is to rebel?'. Now that I think about it, the inner conflict in these situations is not much different than with that first guy I met from Fetlife and how he made me feel. Yet here in this relationship, where there was true built up trust and love, it was still happening.

And so I sought out my therapist, hoping to seek out some sense of understanding of myself and the conflict within. We talked about my special relationship with Daddy. We talked about how the helplessness of bondage was freeing for me. We talked about my desire to give up control in certain areas of my life. And we talked about the part of me that seemed to 'freak out' at every turn.

She led me with questions like 'What were you feeling in that moment that caused you to freak out?' and 'What is it you are so afraid of happening if you lose control?'. To which I answered 'The fear that things won't turn out the way I expect them to when I'm in control.' And I thought to myself what if things didn't turn out the way they were expected? Would I lose something? Would I not add up or something? Then she asked, 'Does that sound like anything familiar to you?'

And faster than lightning her words rang true. My whole life, I learned to be in control of myself. I learned to do what my parents asked of me, expected of me, and more. I subconsciously put aside inner parts of myself, knowing that they would not fit into the paradigm that was my family. And years later when I came to realization of those inner parts of myself and took action on them, suddenly I was no longer the child they were proud of or even wanted anything to do with anymore.

The moment I lost control, I let them down. It was probably the most painful event of my life and of course it's not the kind of pain that just disappears; it fades slowly over time.

When I was thinking about it more on my own, I realized there was another way to look at it as well. For most of my life, I submitted to my parents. They had control of my life. Then I broke free to live a totally different and rewarding life and found joy in that freedom. So maybe the idea of giving up control again, uproots fears of repeating a past where I chose to live a lie to please someone else.

I hadn't considered how my inner conflict pertaining to control and submission related back to my parents, yet there it was and it made sense. I don't see anything really changing going forward. I'll still want Daddy to take control in different ways and I imagine I will still have those 'kneejerk reactions' when he decides to do so but hopefully with this new knowledge of possible origins of my fears, we can work through them together, in time.

Moving in

So Daddy and I are moving in together. Wow! I'm so excited I can barely think about anything else. It's going to be happening by the end of the month too, which once again shows that once I put my mind to something, there's no reason to keep waiting. =)

Originally we had planned to take things a bit more slow. Although he had suggested months ago that eventually it might be nice if I could move in and feel a bit of a release from the heavy rent and utility costs I pay, my main concern at the time was the commute to work. He lives about 20-30 minutes farther away from my work than I currently do and that's without traffic. So we had started to look at condos and apartments but it was going to be quite a decision with lots of variables to worry about for not just moving into a new place but moving out of his current house.

It seemed it would be another year or more before we could finally live together and I knew this when I renewed my apartment lease last month. I've been spending more time with him at his place recently and for some reason the other day it just hit me. I couldn't wait that long. I needed to be with him. I see him 2-4 times a week but even being apart from him as little as I am, it often has felt like the grand canyon of time spans in between visits.

Frankly, my friends have suffered as well. New relationship energy is known for taking someone away from their friends only to spend more time with a new and exciting partner. I guess I'm hoping that by living together and seeing him everyday, it will free up some time for me to hang out with some of my friends a little more as well. 

So the other day we ended up discussing how it could work in detail. I'd move in and we'd still figure things out over the next couple years. We would make his place our home but we would also keep the idea in the back of our mind that in a year or two, we may want to move somewhere else. I worked out the commute issues by deciding to work an earlier shift to avoid traffic and it looks like breaking my lease won't be terribly burdensome, even in the worst case scenario. So over the next couple weeks, I'll be packing and downsizing a bit and finally moving.

It will be interesting living together. The many facets of our relationship already have very blurry boundaries in between them. Seeing each other everyday is going to blur those boundaries even more, I think. Though we've already run into a few landmines because of that, we have yet to have a real argument. I've lived with people before and I know that if there was ever a time to get into arguments, it would be after moving in together. That being said, I think we're both ready. We're committed, in love, and willing to work through whatever comes our way.

The Meaning of my Collar

In a play scene early on in our relationship, Daddy locked a dog choke chain around my neck. When the play scene was over, I kept the collar on. This signified the beginning of some of our more D/s oriented facets. Later on, I purchased a heart shaped lock and used that with the choke chain instead of Daddy's lock. This became my collar which I wore whenever we were with each other (except for certain occasions like the ballet).

We had talked about other collars early on and he seemed to want to get me a black leather collar with purple satin lining. Something that was well made. At the time, I can remember researching lots of other collars online including purple dyed leather with sparkly gems and the like. At some point, I realized that if I was going to wear Daddy's collar, I needed to trust and submit to him on the design. Once I made that decision in my head, we decided on the simple black leather with purple satin lining and we promptly sat on the idea for months. =)

At some point we spoke to our local sex toy maker about such a thing and he said while he didn't have purple satin on hand, if we bought the material, he could have it made. Another month or two went by and Daddy and I finally went shopping for the satin and brought it over to our friend soon after.

In the weeks that have followed while I've waited for the collar to be made, I've wondered what the significance of this new collar would mean to us. I had often dubbed my current collar my 'consideration collar' because it was so casually and playfully given. This new collar felt like it was going to be more permanent and I wanted to give it some sort of special meaning.

Early on in my time exploring kink, I'd read about collaring ceremonies and how they compared to weddings. I had always imagined the possibility of being part of one with the man I love someday almost as much as I had imagined the day I'd wear the symbolic white dress. With the new collar in the making, I wondered if it was time for Daddy and I to vow to each other in Dominance and submission. Upon reading about other peoples' experiences and vows however, I felt a definite difference in feelings.

Would I be expected to pledge my full submission to him in everything I did? Was I really ready for such a commitment myself? And was Daddy really ready for the maintenance and responsibility that could potentially be required?

My first reaction was to write it all off. Daddy and I have a very multi-faceted relationship. In one moment, we can be the most romantic vanilla couple enjoying time together at the ballet and in another I can be down on my hands and knees as he fucks my ass while telling me what a good pony girl I am. With that in mind, I felt like the D/s side of our relationship has been very light-hearted backed by a very gentle and romantic kind of love. Could I really pledge my undying submission to him then? And would I really want to? How would that change our current relationship?

I did end up mentioning the possibility of a collaring ceremony to Daddy and to my utmost surprise, he smiled. He seemed very onboard with the idea and I decided to do some more research. All the while, I couldn't quite understand why my heart was in knots over what it all would mean.

Yesterday, I finally worked it out in my head. There didn't have to be a collaring ceremony. It was just a new collar. It didn't have to mean we had to say vows to each other and it definitely didn't mean we had to change the dynamic that was working so well for us in so many ways. I think I started to get caught up in what I thought collars mean to the community and maybe I was trying to go through with something I thought would be respected by the community when in fact, I didn't really need to answer to anybody but myself and my Daddy.

I mentioned all of this to Daddy after I'd processed it all and he seemed pretty relieved. He said he'd wondered if I was trying to bite off more than I could chew but was always willing to try to do whatever he could to make me happy. He also said he really liked the sentiment of making vows to each other. I told him that I thought for us that may simply be a wedding. And who knows, maybe later on in our relationship we will choose to have a collaring ceremony and maybe it will or will not change the dynamic we share together. 

All I know now is that we don't have to make such a change or say such vows right now. He's simply giving me a new collar and our love will continue to blossom as we grow together in the dynamic that works extremely well for us.

Anal Humiliation

NOTE: This is fictional erotica between two consenting adults

“Go to your bathroom. I want you naked except your collar, on your knees, bent over, in the bathtub. And you better put some towels under your knees because you will be there for a while. When I get home, you better be there or there will be consequences.”

The tone in Daddy’s note was much more dominant than usual and I felt my clit swell up as I read it. What did he have planned tonight? I was both excited and yet scared of the unknown. But I knew I’d better get going because he would be home soon. In fact, he could be home at any minute.

At that thought, I raced to the bedroom and stripped off all my clothes. I fumbled around for my collar and buckled it on my neck before grabbing a couple towels. Then my heart stopped as I heard the front door open. 

“I’m home, little girl! You better be in the bathtub!” he practically shouted.

I raced into the bathroom, pulled the shower curtain back and out of the way, and after throwing the towels down in a makeshift way, got into the bathtub on my hands and elbows, my ass up in the air.

“Good girl” I suddenly heard him say very close and I looked over and found Daddy leaning against the door frame smiling down at me with an evil grin. He was holding a special set of stocks in his hand that I had a love-hate relationship with. They were merely a 2x4 with 4 leather cuffs attached in the right places for wrists and ankles and were the kind that really locked me into place well and yet put me in a position that was very hard to maintain for any real length of time.

He walked over and set the stocks behind me and began strapping my ankles into them. Then he called for my hands and I had to bend down far enough to reach my hands between my legs which let my head resting on one of the towels on the tub floor. He strapped my wrists in and proceeded in putting locks onto all 4 cuffs. There was no way out of this; he could do what he wanted with me. I could feel my pussy heating up at the thought.

Daddy stood up and just stared at me for a minute; a man admiring his property. I squirmed a little and tried to look over at him. 

I asked him “Daddy is everything ok? I didn’t do anything to deserve a punishment.” 

He looked down at me and said “Everything’s just fine little girl. You’re right, you didn’t do anything wrong but sometimes you need to be shown your place. You are mine and I will do whatever I wish to you.”

That sent a shiver down my spine that sparked my already wet cunt and I let out a small moan. 

“And I don’t want to hear your whining tonight, princess.” He said as he bent down to shove something in my mouth. “Yes I know you like your panties in your mouth…that’s where they belong.” 

I started to work them out of my mouth and he responded by grabbing some nearby duct tape. He pushed the panties all the way back into my mouth and they started to go slightly down my throat. Then he put a strip of duct tape across my mouth to lock them in.

“Mmmmpphfmmmphh” I moaned. 

He said “There, that’s a good girl. You don’t need to talk.” Now I was strapped in and unable to speak and yet my pussy couldn’t be any hotter. “but for trying to get them out, that’s 3 swats with the belt” he said as he removed his big leather belt from his pants. 

My eyes went wide. That belt hurt like HELL.

WHAP! My ass suddenly felt on fire. 

WHAP! That fire increased a hundredfold. 

WHAP! Tears filled my eyes as I struggled but couldn’t not move away, so very tightly strapped in. He slowly rubbed his hands all over my ass just then and I felt a drop or two of something flow down my leg from my cunt.

He smiled again looking down at me and then reached under the bathroom sink and pulled out a plastic bag full of something. I watched as he took out the contents. It looked like a rubber hose and some other weird looking objects.

Just then, a timer went off in the kitchen. 

“Oh that’ll be the water. I’ll be right back. Don’t move, little girl.....oh that’s right, you can’t!” he said, laughing as he left the room. 

I whined through the panties in my mouth. They tasted as wet as my pussy felt. He came back with a big pan of water. After setting it down, he took out a thermometer and after holding it in the water for a minute or so, he said 

“One hundred degrees; just right”. 

I was still confused. What the heck was all this stuff for?

He filled some kind of latex bag with the water and then hung that on the shower rod, with the tubing  hanging off of it. Then he put on a rubber glove and lubed up his finger, proceeding to probe my tiny asshole with it. I moaned through the gag. I recognized this at least. 

“Ok princess, it’s time for your enema. Open your little asshole for Daddy.” He said. 

 Enema? Oh god. I’d heard all kinds of stories about enemas and it did not sound fun in the least.

I squirmed and moaned and he smacked my ass with his other hand and said: 

“Stay still or you’ll get more of the belt.” 

I stopped suddenly and stayed as still as I could. 

“You are the one who wanted me to fuck your ass bareback. You should know by now that if you want me with no condom inside you, you’ll have to do something special for me. I only want to fuck your ass if it’s clean, little girl.”

I did want him to fuck my ass bareback….I hated condoms and I wanted to feel his come inside me…but an enema?!?!? Just then he removed his gloved finger from my ass and inserted something else. Something swelled up just inside my anus and I flinched. It made me feel a little constipated. I whined through the gag. 

Daddy ignored me and said “here comes the water, little girl.” as he unlocked the valve.

Suddenly, I felt my bowels start to fill up with warm water. It was a strange sensation, not bad persay but very odd. I squirmed a little and continued to whine and Daddy just chuckled and said 

“That’s right, take that enema up inside you to make you all nice and clean for Daddy.”

As the water continued, I started to feel very full and constipated and on the verge of cramping. I moaned and whined a lot more and squirmed a little here and there until finally Daddy said 

“Ok that’s all of it.” 

I about sighed with relief. That meant it was over, right? 

“Now you have to keep it in there for 15 minutes. “ he said as he set a timer next to the tub. 

Was he kidding??? 15 minutes?? I felt so full and uncomfortable and my thighs were starting to time out from being in the stocks so long as well. I needed out now, not in 15 minutes!!

I pleaded with him with my eyes as I whined and he just kept smiling down at me like he'd smile at a dog who had just played dead for the first time. He reached under me and put his hand on my tummy and pressed up. I felt a shock of pain in my bowels and I screamed. He let go and said grinning 

“See now it doesn’t feel so bad compared to that, right?” 

Tears rolled down my cheeks in agreement as I tried to catch my breath.

He ran his hands along my back and my butt cheeks and then my hair and my legs, keeping me with a continued touch all over my body and I found some serenity in his touch while braving the continued torrential pressure in my bowels.

Then the timer went off. 

“You made it, little girl!” Daddy said as he unlocked and unfastened the cuffs. 

“Now I’m going to take the tubing out and you’ll have to clench down really hard with your sphincter to hold in all of the water.” 

I nodded through the pain of continually holding all of it inside me. He undid the nozzle and I did as he said and clenched as tight as I could to keep the raging river from flowing out of me. However, even doing that, I could feel some of it dribble out of me and I somehow clenched harder.

I was able to slowly get up from the bathtub and very carefully take the two steps to sit on the toilet. But right as I was ready to release everything, Daddy said 

“Wait. You’ll let go when I say you’ll let go.” 

My eyes widened and I whimpered through the gag, looking up at him. I felt a dribble trickle out and the pressure started becoming truly unbearable. Then Daddy finally said: 

“Ok, now you can go, little girl.”

I sighed with relief as I finally let go. It sounded like a raging waterfall as it all came out of me and Daddy chuckled and patted me on the head. 

“Good girl, we’ll get you potty trained yet.” he said, making me blush profusely as it continued to pour out of me. 

Daddy held his nose and said “Stinky little girl, you better give me a courtesy flush.” 

I reached behind me and flushed even though I knew I wasn’t done yet. The smell was pretty horrible too and I had no way of breathing through my mouth, thanks to the gag. He continued to stare at me while I felt and we heard more liquid pour out of my ass and I couldn't help but whine. It was a mixture of relief and humiliation at the same time. 

Finally after a few minutes, I was done and I flushed and wiped good. Daddy grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to the bedroom, forced me to my knees at the foot of the bed, and bent me over it. He grabbed my arms and tied them crossed behind me. He then tied my ankles to each end of the bed, forcing my legs to spread to a position that was just far enough apart to be uncomfortable. I heard him open a bottle of lube and rub it on his cock and then felt him squirt some on my asshole.

"Ok little girl, the moment you've been dreaming about." Daddy said and I felt his cock begin to enter me and moaned. 

"Open up your ass for Daddy's cock, princess. You know that's what it's for."

My pussy clenched at hearing that and he pulled out slightly and pushed in slightly farther this time. He repeated that a few more times, till I felt his full girth enter my ass. I moaned. God it felt so good to finally really feel his cock inside me.

"Good girl" he said as he grabbed tightly to my arms for leverage and began pounding his cock inside me at a suddenly much quicker pace. My eyes widened and I moaned loudly through the gag unable to move as his cock pounded into me over and over. 

"That's right, princess, you love my cock up your ass don't you???" he yelled. When I didnt respond, he said much louder: "DONT YOU?!?!" and I mumbled "yes daddy" as loud as I could through the gag. 

"Such a good little cunt with a tight little ass. This is what your ass is for isn't it? For taking my cock whenever I please?"

"Yes Daddy" I mumbled through the gag again.

He continued hammering me and chiding me and I kept responding appropriately as my pussy continued to drip and spray. He slowed down for a minute to catch his breath.

"This is really good, little girl. I'm going to have to do this more often." He sped up again and I felt his cock ram so deep into my ass, my back arched in response.

"Your ass is going to be so used, you might have incontinence problems. That's ok though, that's what diapers are for....little girls who can't keep from messing in their panties."

As he said this, he grabbed my ass cheeks tight and rammed his cock so deep inside me my eyes went wide again and his familiar grunts could be heard as I felt him cum deep inside me. As if in response, my pussy twitched in an orgasm of its own. My body tingled all over, my eyes crossed, and I lay there limp.

Daddy's breathing slowed down and he reached for something before pulling out of me. My ass felt suddenly empty for only a second before something else found its way inside. 

"It's your favorite purple butt plug, princess. This way, you can keep all my cum inside you longer."

He untied my legs but left my arms bound behind me as he helped me all of the way onto the bed. I snuggled up beside him. I didn't realize till later that he hadn't grabbed a towel to wipe off his cock.

After a few minutes, he turned towards me and took the tape off my mouth and removed the panties. My throat felt so dry. He then stood up and pulled me to the edge of the bed on my back, my head hanging over the side.

"Ok princess, are you ready to taste your own ass?" 

My eyes widened in shock and I exclaimed: "Dadd---" but I was cut off as he filled my mouth with his cock. It's hard to say whether it was the smell or the taste that was off but either way it was quite horrible. But my arms were tied behind my back and I had to do whatever Daddy wanted anyway. 

"Good girl, taste your own ass. You like the taste of your own asshole, don't you? Little cumslut whore." he chided at me and my whole body quivered at the humiliation as I gurgled and whined.

His cock had been softening up when he started but it was easily getting quite hard once again. As he quickened his thrusts, the taste was the least of my problems as I gagged and spit and choked. I could hear my own throat making swallowing sounds and lines of tears fell down the sides of my head from my eyes. His rhythm was speeding up like he wanted to come but then he stopped and quickly spun me around and flipped me over, pulling the butt plug out of my ass and replacing it with his once again engorged cock.

He pumped his cock deep in my ass a few times and I once again felt the familiar sensation of his hot cum shooting inside me and I moaned as I continued to catch my breath. He lay on top of me like that catching his own breath when the door bell rang.

He pulled out, untied my arms, and while putting the butt plug back inside my ass, he said "Ah yes, that would be your sister and her daddy, come to hang out with us." I was thinking to myself, 'thank God the scene is over then'. As if reading my mind, he said, grinning

"And the night has only started."

I groaned, wondering what else he could possibly have planned.

"Princess, the rest of the night, you will be on all fours, do you understand?" I nodded and said "Yes Daddy."

The doorbell rang again.

"Good girl" he said, "Now go get the door and greet our guests."

I got off the bed and went down to my hands and knees, before crawling out of the bedroom and to the front door. I turned the knob with one hand and pulled the door slightly open. I was greeted by a "Hi sis!" and the smiling faces of my sister, Linda and her daddy as they walked in. They gazed at me with interest and it was only then that I realized I was still completely naked and my makeup must have been smeared all over my face. I suddenly blushed.

Daddy came out of the bedroom fully dressed and shook Linda's Daddy's hand and said hi to Linda. They chatted while Linda grinned ear to ear at me the whole time and I continued blushing. I turned around and walked farther into the living room and I heard Linda say

"Squeee! She's got a butt plug in!" 

Daddy responded: "Yes, princess has had some incontinence problems so I've had to keep her plugged."

I was so shocked, I stammered out a retort "I do not!". Daddy just glared at me and I shrunk down, trying to make myself as small as I could. 

"That's five." is all he said and I flinched.

"Excuse me, I think I need to take care of something before we watch that tv show you wanted to show me. Please feel free to have a seat." Daddy said as he went into the kitchen. He came back out with some rope and my metal dog bowl and placed it on the floor next to the couch. 

"Come here, princess." he said sternly and I did as ordered. He had me get into a squat position, with my elbows on the couch and my butt hanging over the edge of the couch, right above where he put the dog bowl. Then he tied me in place. He also tethered a rope from a small hook on the ceiling.

I cringed when he produced some clover clamps out of nowhere and one by one clamped them to my nipples. I moaned as he tugged on the chain in between them and felt them tighten on my nipples. He tied the chain to the end of the rope connected to the ceiling leaving just enough room that I wouldn't be able to rest my body fully without applying pressure to the nipple clamps. I whined.

Then he removed the butt plug and I felt a small amount of come start to drip out of my ass into the dog bowl. It was excruciatingly unpleasant, the feeling of something seeping out of my ass while trying to hold myself up so as not to let the nipple clamps pinch harder than they already were. 

"There." Daddy said, "Now that she has her evening snack being made, I will get something for us."

Evening snack? What was he---oh. It took me a bit to think through the distractions to realize what he meant. He was going to make me lick up the cum. I whined at the thought and I could feel both Linda and her Daddy's stares on me as they grinned, watching. I could feel the cum ever so slowly creeping out of me in weird long strands but it was taking so long, it left me feeling itchy and like I had to go to the bathroom but it wouldn't all come out.

Daddy returned with a beer for Linda's Daddy and some juice for Linda. They turned on the TV and began watching some tv show documentary about the financial crisis or something.....I have to admit I had a hard time paying attention. Thank god there wasn't going to be a quiz.

As the credits were rolling, Daddy looked over and said

"Ok princess, it's time for your snack." I groaned, knowing what was coming. He took the dog bowl out from under me and showed it to me. There wasn't much cum in it and it looked like some of it was probably my own but a good amount of it seemed to have dripped off the side of the bowl and onto the carpet. 

"Uh-oh, she dribbled on the carpet." Daddy said, showing it to Linda and her Daddy. I dont think I ever blushed that hard in my life. Daddy untied me from the couch and removed the nipple clamps while I tried not to scream. 

"Could I get Linda's help here, by chance?" Daddy asked her daddy. Her daddy nodded intrigued and Linda grinned evilly. My whine came out like a puppy dog's and my pussy clenched. Still on my hands and knees, Daddy shoved my head down into the area of the carpet where I had dribbled. My nose and mouth got the brunt of the wetness.

"Bad girl!" he said. "Don't move!"

He took off his belt again and asked "Now what did I say earlier? Five? Yes I think that was right. Linda, keep her head down in that mess and count for her, will you please?" 

Linda said "sure!" and she grabbed me by the hair and pushed my head into the carpet more, rubbing it in. 

WHAP! Daddy's belt hit my ass with a sudden strike and I yelped.

"One!" Linda said

WHAP! Daddy hit the same spot and I couldn't help but try to move away but Linda leveraged her body weight against me and held me there by the hair and said "Two!"

WHAP! My scream muffled through the carpet and tears started filling my eyes.

"Three!" Linda chimed in.

WHAP! "Four"

WHAP WHAP WHAP! "Five?" Linda looked unsure as I blubbered and lost myself in the pain and humiliation.

"Yes thank you Linda." Daddy said as he put his belt back on and began rubbing my ass, cooling it down. 

"Now you can have your treat, little girl." He said as he placed the dog bowl in front of me. "Lick it all up now." I continued crying, more from the humiliation than any of the pain as I started trying to lick up the little bit of cum that had gotten in the bowl. 

"Such a good little cumslut bitch." Daddy said and Linda giggled while her daddy smiled.

Two of a Kind

I meet you at the door and rush into your arms
you hold me and kiss me and smile so wide
We step outside and you lock my front door
arm-in-arm, happy feet match our smiles
You open the door and I get in your car
teddy bears inside all greet me with smiles
The radio knows the songs of our hearts
you laugh as teddy bear legs sing along
I'm your princess and you are my Daddy
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You lovingly caress every part of my skin
while I squirm and giggle and moan
you bind me in knots of rope and love
making my heart flutter and my pussy ache
your hands find their way into my hair
and the collar on my neck presses in
you fuck me to bliss and spank me to tears
I've given up my control to you in many ways
I'm your submissive, you're my master
we're two of a kind Daddy, two of a kind.

You see the reality where I see dreams
my doubt and your hope, shake hands
your mature complements my playful
my helplessness balances your control
our dedication, compromise, and trust
lay the foundation of this relationship
Your strong body and my fragile frame
are like perfect puzzle pieces made to fit
We are partners in this place we call life
destined to be special, two of a kind.

The Day After Valentine's Day

So you'd think the day after Valentine's Day would be no big deal because the big day is over and we go back to our normal lives. Well, Daddy decided he wanted to come over to cook up our leftovers from our dinner the night before. I had given him a key to my apartment a few weeks before so it was no problem for him to come by while I was at the gym.

I arrived home from the gym to find him setting up an elaborate candle-lit dinner table. He'd moved the flowers he'd gotten me to the table, along with one of the cards he'd gotten me and had set the table with some salad and had the leftover steak in the oven to reheat. I had actually not seen his car outside so before I walked in the door, I had been feeling rather glum because I thought he hadn't been able to make it over for some reason. But when I opened the door and it wasn't locked, I stepped inside all excited. And when I saw what he was setting up, I grinned ear to ear.

After hugging and kissing him, I changed out of my gym clothes and right back into the purple babydoll that he liked so much but I put underwear on this time since we were eating. He helped me with my chair and we sat down and ate our leftovers and discussed the night before. I told him about my thoughts about why I had felt like the yoga/fetch scene actually wasn't as humiliating as I'd thought it would be. Then I also mentioned that I had been a really good girl and that I liked making Daddy happy but sometimes I did want some sort of punishment...or maybe more of a 'funishment'.

At the same time, I didn't want to mess up on purpose and make him disappointed in me so maybe he could give me some impossible tasks or something to give him an excuse to punish me or he could simply do so 'because he can'. After dinner, I got down from the table and kneeled next to him, he pushed his chair out from the table so I could crawl under the table and kneel in front of him, laying my head on his lap.

We kept on talking and he started talking about chocolates for valentine's Day and he was talking about some chocolate places and I think he was trying to say Ghiradelli but he ended up saying Ghirbaldi and I just started cracking up. And that was my word for the night....I couldn't stop saying it. He was laughing about it too but then he said I was going to get punished for that. Haha!

We went into the bedroom and he found my paddle brush again and as I laid face down on the bed, he straddled my waist, facing my ass and began paddling my ass. My legs were soon kicking and I was squirming and moaning. Gosh that thing hurts! Then he stopped and we both admired my nice red ass. He didn't have his toy bag at my place so we ended up using a bondage kit I had on hand instead as he tied me on my back with my legs up in the air again.

I was afraid he was going to use my cunt again because it was still SO sore and so I asked him "Are you going to fuck my ass, Daddy?" and he said "No I don't think so." And I thought for a few more moments as he was still getting ready and said "Because my cunt is still very sore". And he said "ooooh that's right." He paused a minute and then said "Nope too bad little girl, I'm still fucking your cunt. You need to get used to this whenever I want it."

Part of me was scared and part of me was so completely turned on that he was going to do something against my wishes. I submitted though and he went slow at first...it hurt a little but once the rhythm was going, it was just fine and I breathed easier.....or rather, moaned. At some point, he added more lube and switched to fucking my ass instead continually whispering in my ear. He'd go slow and I'd whine "Daddy fuck my ass!" and he'd pound his cock faster into my ass. At one point, he stopped and asked "Is that going too deep?" and me in a bit of a daze, said something like "I---I---Dunno". In my head I was thinking "yes a little too deep but don't stop!" lol.

Finally, he pulled out and after removing the condom, he moved my head to the edge of the bed again and started fucking my mouth and throat some too. After a little bit, he moved my head back to the pillow and fucked my mouth from there and came down my throat. He untied me and we got ready for bed, just another day after valentine's day. *giggle*

Our First Valentine's Day Together

Daddy and I had a wonderful Valentine's Day evening. The night was started by me going to the gym to do yoga. When I got back from yoga, I saw Daddy's car outside (I think he'd just arrived). I was tempted to run over to him but I decided he probably wanted to bring flowers to my door so I'd best instead hurry up to my apartment, which I did. I then began hurriedly changing from yoga clothes back into the nice red dress I'd worn to work that day.

When Daddy came to the door, I was not quite ready yet but I answered the door and he had a bouquet of roses/flowers in his hand. I smiled and hugged him close and kissed him. I hadn't seen him in a whole three days! I went back to getting ready and when I came back out, he had set a card on the counter and on the envelope it was marked in big letters: PRINCESS.

I then gave him my present, a sonnet I had written for him, framed with a picture of us from our Bed and Breakfast trip last month, and of course a card marked Daddy. We both ended up reading our cards at the same time and between the card saying that I was "the perfect woman for [him]" and his own writing inside the card saying I was "the best girlfriend [he's] ever had", my eyes were brimming with tears. I went over and put my arms around him as he read the rest of my card and all the writing I had written inside. Then Daddy popped the cork on a bottle of Cupcake champagne and we toasted to a glass before we left for dinner.

When we went down to the car, before we got in, I slipped off my black panties and handed them to Daddy, who seemed a bit surprised. I couldn't help but giggle. But then I was the one who was surprised when I saw there was yet ANOTHER bouquet of roses/flowers and ANOTHER card in his car, this one marked LITTLE GIRL. I might very well have squeee'd with joy. =) Daddy helped me into the car as I juggled the flowers, the card, my clutch, and the teddy bear that always rides with me in his car. And then we zoomed off.

We arrived at the Keg and found a fairly close parking spot in a very busy lot; luck was working well for us that night. I was glad because the new heels I had purchased for the occasion were not the most comfortable and needed to be broken in. We went inside and were seated after only a short wait time, thanks to our reservation. The waiter was great, the food was magnificent, and the best part of the whole meal was simply being there together; I think we both can agree on that.

By the time we were in the car driving back to my place, we realized it had been two whole hours at dinner; that surprised both of us because the time had just flown by. When we got home, he took the panties I'd given him out of his pocket and stuffed them into my mouth and walked me up to my apartment. He removed the panties and I found another vase and put the second set of flowers into it and set it next to the first vase. Daddy said he had to go use the restroom and brush his teeth but then he had 'plans' for tonight. I smiled knowingly; I had been hoping he'd need a moment so I could sneak away, slip out of my dress and into a brand new purple babydoll that we'd talked about previously.

When I walked out of the bedroom to find him in the living room, I only had the babydoll on and nothing else. He seemed pretty pleased about that. He said he was going to brush my hair so he said to get him a hair brush. I went and got the paddle brush I have and he seemed quite amused that it was called a 'paddle' brush. I giggled at that too, having not really thought about it before.

He sat on the couch and had me sit with my back to him in between his legs on the floor and he brushed my hair, eventually brushing them and securing them into two side pigtails. I have to admit that I wondered how it would look with Daddy doing it but later in the evening, when I saw myself in the mirror, I was astonished to find that I looked quite adorable. He did a good job. He then proceeded in turning me around and grabbing me by the pigtails and forcing my mouth down on his cock. He pushed me all the way down to where I couldn't breathe and counted to ten and then let me up. I took a big breath and he did it again.

Then Daddy got up and told me "I don't often give you actual 'orders' but tonight I'm ordering you to stay on all fours for the evening". I swear my pussy clenched at the thought and I nodded and said "yes Daddy". He then proceeded to take out some old beat up high heels and some electrician's tape and began taping my hands into the heels.

When he was done I had heels for hands and could not get them off. Then he tied a tight collar with a cowbell on it around my neck and connected a thick leash to it. He half drug me to my second bedroom and drug me around the room while I tried to explain what parts of the room I had cleaned for him a few days before. Then he drug me back to the living room again. I've been drug/led around by a collar before but it's usually been rather loose...it was kind of a nice feeling having it feel so much tighter.

I then sat there on all fours and watched as he readied a few things. He got a pad of paper and a pen out and put on a purple rubber glove (which he usually fingered my cunt with). I was a bit confused as to what his plan was until he produced a little squishy baseball.

"Alright princess, tonight's your night." he said and suddenly I knew what was going to happen. He had previously talked about doing a scene where he would throw a ball and I would have to fetch it on all fours, bring it back to him with it in my mouth, and do a yoga move (keeping it in my mouth) that would show him my cunt. He said if I did this twelve times with twelve different yoga moves successfully, he would give me a really good cunt pounding but if I failed, he would give me a good punishment. All in all, I wondered whether winning or losing was better but I wanted to do my best for Daddy.

As he threw the ball across the room, I scrambled after it, grabbing it with my mouth, and quickly crawling back to him, half smiling, half blushing. I then did the first yoga move and found out what the glove was for as he used it to violate my cunt a few times before I could come out of the move and give him the ball back. He had me put my back to him and watch the ball so I knew where it went and he threw it again. Indeed, we did this twelve times and somehow I managed to do twelve different yoga moves, although doing some of them (tripod headstand for instance) with heels on my hands were quite difficult and Daddy did oblige in helping hold me up for those. One of the times, I put the ball into his shoe and brought his shoe back....we both laughed at that.

I really surprised myself. I didn't feel as humiliated as I thought I would and I think there may have been a few factors to that. One, I wanted to please Daddy and there was no end to smiling and laughing on his part every time I came back with the ball in my mouth. Two, it was just the two of us there so in a way, it was just between us and so less humiliating. Three, I had been given at least a month to think about this scene and plan for it. When he'd first told me about it, I did not like the idea at all but over time, I became more and more ok with it.

And so when he set down a dog bowl of cheerios, telling me to eat some, I did so willingly as well. I did feel silly and I did feel degraded and humiliated to a point but not very much, probably for similar reasons as above. Daddy told me I'd done a great job and so he said it was time for my reward. He started off by wetting his cock with my throat some and then he turned me around and on my hands and knees, head laying against the couch, he fucked me doggy style. How appropriate. =)

After that, he had me lay on my back with my legs up in the air and tried to pound my cunt good from there but we had trouble with the floor and my hands were timing out from being in the heels for so long. So he cut the tape off the heels, once again connected a leash to my collar and let me into the bedroom. There he had me lay on my back with my head hanging off the side of the bed and he stood over me, pushing his cock into my mouth and down my throat.

I took his cock all the way down and tried not to breathe but that of course only goes so long, when I had to breathe again I tried to move my head down to back my throat/mouth away and could barely get it out enough to slightly breathe but I could not get it all the way out. God that was hot. He did that for a few more minutes but then when I felt like it was going to go too far (and maybe a little something did come up but I swallowed it again), I turned my head to the side to get his cock all the way out and began panting. Steak dinner and alcohol do not make for a good combination for a puke-less deep throat session so we decided not to chance it more.

He moved my head back to the pillow, put my legs up in the air and began fucking my cunt relentlessly again. As he did so, he sucked on my neck and I moaned all the louder. He whispered in my ear about an enema scene we've been talking about, going into great detail and turning me on even more. At some point, he moved back and pulled me along with him and we changed positions such that I was on top of him. He helped me get a rhythm going up and down on his cock and God it felt so good. Every time I came down on his cock, my clit smacked right against him too so when he started sucking on my nipples too, I was in heaven. I remember thinking to myself "Oh God I can't stop" and that made it even hotter.

I must have been doing something right because though Daddy might have had other plans, he ended up coming inside my cunt that way. I slowed down to stop and we held each other for a few minutes before getting up. As I got ready for bed, I was surprised with how much my cunt hurt. I had never felt my cunt so sore in my life. I might have needed some lube near the end of that last bit there. Then I noticed that my knees were very much red with rugburn. I put aloe on them and took an ibuprofen and we cuddled into bed and fell asleep.

So as you can see it was quite the Valentine's Day for us. =)

A Sonnet for Daddy on Valentine's Day

There once was a girl who was all alone,
she dated and dated with no outcome,
whether they were rude or a boring drone,
nothing seemed to click for a life tandem.
Until one day she met a special man,
in a very unconventional way,
between sex and bondage, a love began,
with their hearts meeting equally halfway.
When she opens the door to see his face,
she hugs him so tight and happily grins,
flexing his muscles makes her heart race,
every part of her man, she knows she wins.
With a true love, he's someone she adores,
Daddy, this little girl's completely yours.

Deep Throat Breath Play

Once again, this is erotica between two consensual adults.

I wake suddenly. Groggily I try to get my bearings but my eyes are filled with sleep. I begin to reach up to rub my eyes when I realize I can't. I wriggle slightly and find that I cannot move my body at all. I seem to be able to move my head but my body is tightly pressed together inside of something, a bondage sack? My eyes are starting to adjust to the darkness and I see I'm in a bed and ---

Suddenly hands grab me by the hair and pull my head off the side of the bed. I scream in surprise before realizing it's Daddy. "It's ok little girl. Daddy needs to use your pretty little throat now." I barely have a chance to feel relieved before my mouth is pressed open to receive his cock. I automatically try to squirm but my hands and feet are pressed so tightly together that it feels more like a pathetic wriggle. The helplessness of my situation causes my pussy to heat up and I feel its juices begin to seep.

He pushes his cock in slowly and then pulls out before pushing in deeper. I can't help but moan, knowing I'm pleasing Daddy but my moans are cut short as he suddenly pushes the cock past my sinus airway and down my throat. I can't breathe, let alone moan and more pathetic wriggles spasm from my body.

He pulls out enough for me to get one quick breath before ramming his cock all the way back down my throat again, holding it there. "It's ok princess, if you can't take it, you know you can always reach up with your hand and tap out." he snickers knowing I can do no such thing. All I can do is take his cock down my throat over and over, trying to breathe in between thrusts. I can feel the spit building up in my mouth and my sinuses are clogging up from being upside down.

He grabs my tits through the bondage sack and speeds up his rhythm, deciding he doesn't need to pay attention to my breathing. He moans with pleasure feeling my mouth and throat and all of its juices around his cock. I find myself in a state of panic and my gag reflex is starting to get the better of me because I'm not getting enough time to catch my breath. My panicked state gets worse when I realize I'm going to puke. I suddenly tilt my head to the side causing his cock to bend and slip out, heaving something up. I struggle to catch my breath, breathing heavily as gooey saliva flows down the side of my face and tears run down from my eyes.

Daddy looks down at me for a moment and says "Ok little girl, puking isn't a safeword." He then grabs me with both hands on either side of my head and shoves his cock back down my throat and holds it there. "This is good training for you. You need to learn your place. When I need to use your throat you need to be available for Daddy." The breath I've been holding runs out way too fast and I gag and try to struggle but his hands holding my head there mean no air for me. I thrash about more but his strong hands just hold his cock deep in my throat tighter. My pussy flares up knowing I cannot get away, spraying its juices between my compressed legs, orgasm building. My whole body feels like it's going to burst and yet the pressure only keeps building until finally my orgasm hits me like a tidal wave but I still can't moan or breathe.....I hear screaming in my head and find myself in a place between pleasure and pain, life and death, and time seems to stand still. Then after what feels like eons, the light starts to fade and I start to feel light headed.

Suddenly Daddy lets go and pulls out and I instinctively turn my head to the side and feel my chest heave while trying to take in air at the same time. My heavily heaving breath is met by wads of spit and snot, among other things. As I catch my breath, Daddy smiles down at me "You naughty girl, I didn't say you could cum." He snickers though and I'm too busy catching my breath and trying to understand what just happened to even smile back at him. The compressed area between my legs feels like a sticky ocean and electricity feels like it's going through all of my limbs at once.

He continues smiling and says: "Look at you! Your face is covered with spit and your mascara is running down your face and yet you're still my beautiful little princess cum slut." I smile back at him, still trying to catch my breath and clear my throat. "And now that you're throat is thoroughly lubed up, it's time for you to swallow my cum. I know you like that and you know it's what you were meant to do." he says. My pussy perks up again at his words and I nod, excited again.

 He grabs me by the hair on either side of my head like two handle bars and slips his cock halfway in, just to the back of my mouth. "Now what do you say?" I respond with "I wuuw oo Ahh-eee" and he smiles and says "I love you too princess" pushing his cock the rest of the way down my throat again. He doesn't hold it there long though but begins fucking my throat with a faster rhythm, his balls slapping my nose over and over, as he moans in his own pleasure and my pussy continues to get even more wet.

I find myself losing my breath again as his cock pounds down my throat. I struggle and wriggle but my body is still so tightly compressed...there is no escape and that only makes my clit twitch more. My jaw aches and my throat feels so sore but I can't stop it. This is what I was meant for.

With a final thrust, his cock finds its way deeper down my throat than its ever been, his balls finding their way to my upper lip. Once again I can't breathe at all. He groans, pressing harder and I feel his cock contract over and over as jets of cum shoot down my throat. My wiggles turn frantic again as my pussy's fraught with another orgasm, Daddy's come shooting down my throat for what feels like a thousand years.

He finally pulls out and I turn my head, my chest heaving again over and over, catching my breath and purging anything in the way. Daddy smiles at me and grabs a towel. He wipes the spit and cum and makeup and puke off my face and pushes me over on the bed to where my head is on a pillow again. He gets into bed and cuddles next to me, still in the bondage sack, whispering "Good girl. Very good girl." I am still breathing heavily but I smile and rest my head on his shoulder, the best I can.

My throat is on fire and my legs are completely soaked but I'm too exhausted to even speak. Daddy gives me a sip of water before cuddling back in. We both drift off to sleep, and my last thought is that the bondage sack is going to need a good washing.

Missing the Amazing Plateau

Lately I've been pondering orgasm. I've had a few different sensations in my lifetime thus far that I equate with some kind of orgasm. They are as follows:

1. The mountain peak: building up to an orgasm that lasts around 2-5 seconds and slowly dwindles away
2. The firecracker-dud: building up to an orgasm that doesn't quite get there.....it's almost there and then it's just...gone.
3. The amazing plateau: building up, a longer build up, to an orgasm that breaks free and lasts 10-15 seconds and takes about an hour to come down from the euphoric feeling it leaves behind.

I've probably experienced sensation #1 most often in my life and #3 only once or twice ever. Lately I have felt neither though. Sex and masturbation have both felt great and amazing but nothing that really seems to build up at all. Or when it does, it fades away as quickly as it came.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed about it but it is a little perplexing. I read about girls who experience multiple orgasms or can orgasm on command and I just can't even begin to imagine. I've been wondering if something is holding me back; something in my mind. A girlfriend of mine told me that she had a friend who had never really orgasmed and after exploring things with her therapist, she finally was able to. So I've pondered going to some kind of sex-therapist.

Then again, maybe it's as simple as not masturbating. Maybe I masturbate too much. Thinking back to the times when I did experience sensation #3, I didn't really masturbate back then....in fact I would go 2-3 months without doing it. Nowadays, I find myself doing it every other day.

Maybe I need Daddy to make a rule, forcing me not to masturbate unless he says so. That in itself makes me feel tingly all over. =)

25 Followers!

It's been a while and I should have done this a while ago but I wanted to give a shout out to my newest followers =)

skydancerinusa
www.esclaves.org
Cowboy
Tom Marolo Riddle Baldr

Feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments or high five me back or something *giggle*