Friday, July 15, 2011
Walking a fine line
Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.
We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.
Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.
The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".
Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.
So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.
I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.
After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.
So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.
He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.
He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.
What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.
Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.
I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all. But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.
That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.
So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.
Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.