Thursday, July 7, 2011

Do past hurts translate to presently needed pain?

In my exploration of bdsm so far, I've been attracted to both submission and helplessness in the bedroom. I haven't taken a huge interest in pain but it does pique my interest, especially within the throws of helplessness.

That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.

Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.

I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.

Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?


  1. Physical pain is a very cleansing thing. When you venture outside of BDSM, pain is used in different religions to cleanse the soul- monks flog themselves to be rid of impure thoughts. Read on Mortification of the flesh.

    Anyway, I've dealt with many layers of emotional pain- I was abused as a child and as an adult, and have felt the lasting effects of it for years in misplaced guilt and very low self esteem. Physical pain seems to release me from some of it. It is not punishment for me, rather it is the redemption- much like catholic say their Our Fathers and Hail Marys. The aftercare, its realizing that everything really IS okay, that you are still loved despite whatever 'sins' you have committed, and that you can walk away from the experience healed (or partially healed).

    I'm not sure whether any of this helps your current state of mind, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in seeking pain to comfort your emotional hurts. The key, for me at least, was that I could not be in control of the physical pain- how it was administered, or in what amounts- as I am often my worst critic.

    Much love on your journey.

    Loki's Angel
    Sweet Submission in the House of Reason

  2. Thanks girl for your comment! =)It is definitely good to know that I'm not alone in this thinking.