Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sub Drop and Circumspection

It's odd. My mood has dropped over the last couple days.

Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.

And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.

Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).

Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.

Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.

Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.

I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.

I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.

Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.

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