A lot of D/s and M/s topics and issues have been going through my head lately. I am hoping to expand upon them as I ponder them and research them in future blog posts but in the meantime, they've brought up another issue. I started exploring kink with the idea that it was something sexual to add to a relationship. That's what it would be for me. Something only in the bedroom.
I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.
Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.
That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.
Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.
Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.
A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.
Ahh yes. This:
ReplyDelete"Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth."
I used to be the same way, you know. In fact, even now, there is a large part of me that still claws, bites, hisses, and tries to tear away. I doubt it will ever leave me entirely, but at least it sleeps occasionally these days.
I think your friend is right - you can't know until you experience it. And so much of it IS person-based (for some people), so you're right about that for sure. I never thought I would submit to *anyone*. Anyone. Ever. And yet... he brings that out of me so completely that I now find myself as a slave. Seven years ago I never would have believed that was possible. Would I do it for anyone else? Not in a million years. ;)
I think if it's the right man that you'll do anything they want/need you to do! Praying you'll find him:)!
ReplyDeleteKitty
Yes outside the bedroom, a question I was asked recently, intrigue me and scare the crap out me. Like Kitty said it's right with the right man. Hopefully he will turn up soon so we can begin exploring lol.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
@zelda - "Would I do it for anyone else? Not in a million years. ;) " Gosh I love that. That's what I want to feel....with the right person.
ReplyDelete@Kitty - thanks! I hope so and soon hehe.
@SBF - Thanks, yes hopefully we both find the right person soon =)