I've had some discussion about aftercare with a couple different people lately and wanted to further write about it on my own.
First off, I have yet to experience a real scene. I've only experienced some bondage play and a few things at a tasting event up to this point. That being said, I have a distinct idea in my mind of aftercare and what it means to me and why I need it.
I am imagining going through an intense scene with my partner who is more than just my Dom but also my boyfriend. He has a need to take out his aggression, his dominance, on me, my body, my emotions, my heart, my soul. The scene could of course be different from time to time but I'm imagining feeling pain, pleasure, helplessness maybe to the point of ecstacy and/or pain tolerance limits...a very heightened state, whatever it is. Part of it is a need to feel pain to feel helpless and part of it is a need to please my daddy.
When it is finished, I can feel myself in such a scene, needing to be held, cuddled, comforted, consoled, loved....audibly, physically, emotionally. I can imagine him trying to express his love for me and his pride that I could do all of that for him and his pleasure/gratefulness in it all.
It goes back to something I told someone else recently as well: "I need to be fucked, abused, used, yet still loved". I need it all for some reason, some mix of that. There's a mix of emotional and sexual needs involved.
The sex/play without the love or emotions does not entice me quite the same and the love/emotions/romance does not entice me the way it used to...alone. I need both of those so very much from that someone I would call Daddy, Dom, Boyfriend, Master, partner.
Does anyone else relate to this?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Fetish Experience and Willingness List
Experience is either YES or NO
Willingness quick-key:
? Don't understand this item.
NO I WILL NOT DO that item under ANY circumstances (a hard limit).
0 No desire, don't like, will permit if special to Dom (a soft limit).
1 Don't want to do, but will.
2 Willing to do, but has no special appeal.
3 Usually LIKE doing, on an irregular/ occasional basis.
4 LIKE doing, would like it on a regular basis.
5 WILD TURN-ON, would like it as often as possible.
Exp/Willingness
NO NO: 24/7 slavery (you are owned for as long as YOUR conditions are met)
NO 0 : 24/7 submission (rules but you are your own person):
NO 5 : Anal sex :
YES 5 : Anal plugs (small) :
NO 4 : Anal plugs (large) :
NO 4 : Anal plug (public, under clothes):
NO NO: Animal roles (being kitty, pony or puppy for a day):
NO 5 : Arm sleeves (armbinders) :
NO ? : Aromas (aroma therapy):
NO 3 : Asking permission to use the Bathroom:
NO 4 : Asking permission to orgasm
NO 4 : Ball gags
NO 4 : Blindfolds :
YES 3 : Being lightly bitten :
YES 5 : Being tickled
NO 4 : Breast bondage :
YES 5 : Bondage (light) :
YES 5 : Bondage (heavy) :
NO 4 : Bondage (multi-day) :
NO 3 : Bondage (public, under clothing) :
NO 5 : Bondage with everything
NO NO: Breast whipping :
NO 3 : Breast slapping
NO 3 : Cages (locked inside of) :
NO 2 : Caning :
NO 4 : Chains (attaching wrist and ankles>:
NO 2 : Chastity belts :
NO 0 : Chores (domestic service) :
NO 2 : Clothespins :
NO 5 : Collars (worn in private) :
NO 4 : Collars (worn in public) :
YES 3 : Corsets (wearing casually) :
NO 3 : Corsets (trained waist reduction):
NO 5 : Cuffs (leather) :
NO 4 : Cuffs (metal) :
NO NO: Cupping
NO 5 : Deep Throat
NO 3 : Dominance and submission without sex:
YES 3 : Electrical play (very mild shock):
NO 2 : Enforced chastity :
NO 3 : Erotic dance (private) :
NO 3 : Examinations (physical) :
NO 0 : Exercise (forced/required) :
NO ? : Eye contact restrictions :
NO NO: Face slapping :
NO 4 : Fantasy rape :
NO NO: Fear (being scared) :
NO NO: Fisting (anal/vaginal)
NO 1 : Flame play :
NO 2 : Following orders :
NO 4 : Forced Orgasms
NO 3 : Forced into Diapers
NO 5 : Gags (leather) :
NO 5 : Gags (rubber) :
NO 5 : Gags (tape) :
NO 4 : Hairbrush spankings :
YES 5 : Hair pulling :
NO 2 : Having food chosen for you :
NO 2 : Having clothing chosen for you :
YES 5 : High heel wearing :
NO 3 : Hoods :
NO 2 : Hot waxing :
NO 0 : Housework (doing) :
NO 3 : Humiliation (private mild) :
NO 0 : Humiliation (public discrete) :
NO ? : Initiation rites :
NO 5 : Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage:
NO ? : Interrogations :
NO 4 : Kidnapping :
NO 4 : Kneeling :
NO 0 : Knife play :
YES 4 : Leather clothing :
NO 5 : Leather restraints :
NO 1 : Lectures for misbehavior :
NO 1 : Licking (non-sexual) :
YES 4 : Lingerie (wearing) :
NO 2 : Massage (giving) :
NO 3 : Massage (receiving) :
NO 4 : Modeling for erotic photos :
NO 4 : Mouth bits :
YES 3 : Mummification :
NO 2 : Name change (for scene) :
NO NO: Needleplay
NO 3 : Nipple clamps :
NO NO: Nipple rings (piercings) :
NO 1 : Nipple play/"torture" :
NO 3 : Nipple weights :
YES 5 : Over-the-knee spanking :
NO 5 : Orgasm control :
NO 3 : Outdoor scenes :
NO 3 : Outdoor sex :
NO 3 : Paddles
NO 4 : Pain (light) :
NO 3 : Pain (medium) :
NO 0 : Piercing (temporary, play-pierce):
NO NO: Piercing (permanent) :
NO 0 : Ponygirl training :
NO ? : Public exposure :
NO 3 : Punishment Scene :
NO 2 : Riding crops :
NO 1 : Riding the "horse" (crotch tort.):
NO 3 : Ring/Medical gags
NO ? : Rituals :
NO 1 : Restrictive rules on behavior :
NO 4 : Rubber/latex clothing :
YES 5 : Rope body harness :
YES 4 : Saran wrapping :
NO 3 : Sensory deprivation :
YES 3 : Sensual flogging (for pleasure)
NO 0 : Serving :
NO 0 : Serving as a maid :
NO 0 : Serving as waitress/waiter :
NO 2 : Sexual deprivation (short term) :
NO 0 : Sexual deprivation (long term) :
NO 0 : Shaving (pubis) :
NO 2 : Single tail whip
NO 4 : Slutty clothing (private) :
NO 3 : Slutty clothing (public) :
YES 4 : Spanking :
NO 3 : Speech restrictions (when, what) :
NO 3 : Spreader bars :
NO 3 : Standing in corner :
NO 3 : Stocks :
NO 3 : Vaginal dildo :
NO 3 : Verbal humiliation (slut, whore etc) :
YES 3 : Vibrator on genitals :
YES 3 : Violet Wand (electricial toy) :
NO 1 : Voyeurism (watching others) :
NO 2 : Video (watching others) :
NO 0 : Video (recordings of you) :
NO NO: Water Sports
NO 0 : Waxing (hair removal) :
NO 5 : Wearing symbolic jewelery :
NO 3 : Whipping :
NO 3 : Wooden paddles :
NO NO: Wrestling :
Probably will add to this as I think of others
Willingness quick-key:
? Don't understand this item.
NO I WILL NOT DO that item under ANY circumstances (a hard limit).
0 No desire, don't like, will permit if special to Dom (a soft limit).
1 Don't want to do, but will.
2 Willing to do, but has no special appeal.
3 Usually LIKE doing, on an irregular/ occasional basis.
4 LIKE doing, would like it on a regular basis.
5 WILD TURN-ON, would like it as often as possible.
Exp/Willingness
NO NO: 24/7 slavery (you are owned for as long as YOUR conditions are met)
NO 0 : 24/7 submission (rules but you are your own person):
NO 5 : Anal sex :
YES 5 : Anal plugs (small) :
NO 4 : Anal plugs (large) :
NO 4 : Anal plug (public, under clothes):
NO NO: Animal roles (being kitty, pony or puppy for a day):
NO 5 : Arm sleeves (armbinders) :
NO ? : Aromas (aroma therapy):
NO 3 : Asking permission to use the Bathroom:
NO 4 : Asking permission to orgasm
NO 4 : Ball gags
NO 4 : Blindfolds :
YES 3 : Being lightly bitten :
YES 5 : Being tickled
NO 4 : Breast bondage :
YES 5 : Bondage (light) :
YES 5 : Bondage (heavy) :
NO 4 : Bondage (multi-day) :
NO 3 : Bondage (public, under clothing) :
NO 5 : Bondage with everything
NO NO: Breast whipping :
NO 3 : Breast slapping
NO 3 : Cages (locked inside of) :
NO 2 : Caning :
NO 4 : Chains (attaching wrist and ankles>:
NO 2 : Chastity belts :
NO 0 : Chores (domestic service) :
NO 2 : Clothespins :
NO 5 : Collars (worn in private) :
NO 4 : Collars (worn in public) :
YES 3 : Corsets (wearing casually) :
NO 3 : Corsets (trained waist reduction):
NO 5 : Cuffs (leather) :
NO 4 : Cuffs (metal) :
NO NO: Cupping
NO 5 : Deep Throat
NO 3 : Dominance and submission without sex:
YES 3 : Electrical play (very mild shock):
NO 2 : Enforced chastity :
NO 3 : Erotic dance (private) :
NO 3 : Examinations (physical) :
NO 0 : Exercise (forced/required) :
NO ? : Eye contact restrictions :
NO NO: Face slapping :
NO 4 : Fantasy rape :
NO NO: Fear (being scared) :
NO NO: Fisting (anal/vaginal)
NO 1 : Flame play :
NO 2 : Following orders :
NO 4 : Forced Orgasms
NO 3 : Forced into Diapers
NO 5 : Gags (leather) :
NO 5 : Gags (rubber) :
NO 5 : Gags (tape) :
NO 4 : Hairbrush spankings :
YES 5 : Hair pulling :
NO 2 : Having food chosen for you :
NO 2 : Having clothing chosen for you :
YES 5 : High heel wearing :
NO 3 : Hoods :
NO 2 : Hot waxing :
NO 0 : Housework (doing) :
NO 3 : Humiliation (private mild) :
NO 0 : Humiliation (public discrete) :
NO ? : Initiation rites :
NO 5 : Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage:
NO ? : Interrogations :
NO 4 : Kidnapping :
NO 4 : Kneeling :
NO 0 : Knife play :
YES 4 : Leather clothing :
NO 5 : Leather restraints :
NO 1 : Lectures for misbehavior :
NO 1 : Licking (non-sexual) :
YES 4 : Lingerie (wearing) :
NO 2 : Massage (giving) :
NO 3 : Massage (receiving) :
NO 4 : Modeling for erotic photos :
NO 4 : Mouth bits :
YES 3 : Mummification :
NO 2 : Name change (for scene) :
NO NO: Needleplay
NO 3 : Nipple clamps :
NO NO: Nipple rings (piercings) :
NO 1 : Nipple play/"torture" :
NO 3 : Nipple weights :
YES 5 : Over-the-knee spanking :
NO 5 : Orgasm control :
NO 3 : Outdoor scenes :
NO 3 : Outdoor sex :
NO 3 : Paddles
NO 4 : Pain (light) :
NO 3 : Pain (medium) :
NO 0 : Piercing (temporary, play-pierce):
NO NO: Piercing (permanent) :
NO 0 : Ponygirl training :
NO ? : Public exposure :
NO 3 : Punishment Scene :
NO 2 : Riding crops :
NO 1 : Riding the "horse" (crotch tort.):
NO 3 : Ring/Medical gags
NO ? : Rituals :
NO 1 : Restrictive rules on behavior :
NO 4 : Rubber/latex clothing :
YES 5 : Rope body harness :
YES 4 : Saran wrapping :
NO 3 : Sensory deprivation :
YES 3 : Sensual flogging (for pleasure)
NO 0 : Serving :
NO 0 : Serving as a maid :
NO 0 : Serving as waitress/waiter :
NO 2 : Sexual deprivation (short term) :
NO 0 : Sexual deprivation (long term) :
NO 0 : Shaving (pubis) :
NO 2 : Single tail whip
NO 4 : Slutty clothing (private) :
NO 3 : Slutty clothing (public) :
YES 4 : Spanking :
NO 3 : Speech restrictions (when, what) :
NO 3 : Spreader bars :
NO 3 : Standing in corner :
NO 3 : Stocks :
NO 3 : Vaginal dildo :
NO 3 : Verbal humiliation (slut, whore etc) :
YES 3 : Vibrator on genitals :
YES 3 : Violet Wand (electricial toy) :
NO 1 : Voyeurism (watching others) :
NO 2 : Video (watching others) :
NO 0 : Video (recordings of you) :
NO NO: Water Sports
NO 0 : Waxing (hair removal) :
NO 5 : Wearing symbolic jewelery :
NO 3 : Whipping :
NO 3 : Wooden paddles :
NO NO: Wrestling :
Probably will add to this as I think of others
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Troubled about non-sexual submission
I'm starting to wonder if I'm more of a bottom than a submissive. I was conversing with someone recently about D/s and the subject of non-sexual submission came up and I realized that I really have a hard time putting myself in a position to submit myself non-sexually.
Sexually, it turns me on to no end to think of submitting in so many different ways to the man I trust and care for....but non-sexually, out of the bedroom? I really just don't know. The thought of being forced to obey him in things like what to wear or what to eat or what to buy or not buy and service-related activities, especially on an everyday basis, just makes me cringe.
It sounds more like a slave or something 24/7 and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I feel like I need my independence somewhere in a relationship....or some equal footing. In the bedroom you can do what you want with me (within limits) but outside of that I don't know.
Clothes are one example...sure I want to please my man and dress how he wants me to dress at times...but I still need room for my own creativity and style and unique character as well.
Then there's the Daddy/Little girl thing which is actually NOT sexual for the most part...and more of a way of expressing the younger, more innocent side of me with someone I'm intimately close to that can act more like a loving father figure. That could be where the submission crosses over out of the bedroom but even still, i just don't think I can do that or be that....24/7.
Sexually, it turns me on to no end to think of submitting in so many different ways to the man I trust and care for....but non-sexually, out of the bedroom? I really just don't know. The thought of being forced to obey him in things like what to wear or what to eat or what to buy or not buy and service-related activities, especially on an everyday basis, just makes me cringe.
It sounds more like a slave or something 24/7 and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to do that. I feel like I need my independence somewhere in a relationship....or some equal footing. In the bedroom you can do what you want with me (within limits) but outside of that I don't know.
Clothes are one example...sure I want to please my man and dress how he wants me to dress at times...but I still need room for my own creativity and style and unique character as well.
Then there's the Daddy/Little girl thing which is actually NOT sexual for the most part...and more of a way of expressing the younger, more innocent side of me with someone I'm intimately close to that can act more like a loving father figure. That could be where the submission crosses over out of the bedroom but even still, i just don't think I can do that or be that....24/7.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Torrential Pleasure
There's a burning inside me
a potential raging fire
with deep intense needs
to be taken, and forced
yet loved so completely
it bubbles up in my body
at random times daily
an utter and dire need
nothing can stop it
or get in its way
no inhibitions, no boundaries
so it must be restrained
dammed like a waterfall
waiting for the right man
deserving of trust
who will know just how
to pluck each petal
from my virgin flower
safely, surely, strong.
Then the river, the fire
the torrential storm
it will all come forth
wracking my body
with merciless
uncontrollable shaking
as we're both lost forever
with the torrential pleasure
in each other's eyes.
a potential raging fire
with deep intense needs
to be taken, and forced
yet loved so completely
it bubbles up in my body
at random times daily
an utter and dire need
nothing can stop it
or get in its way
no inhibitions, no boundaries
so it must be restrained
dammed like a waterfall
waiting for the right man
deserving of trust
who will know just how
to pluck each petal
from my virgin flower
safely, surely, strong.
Then the river, the fire
the torrential storm
it will all come forth
wracking my body
with merciless
uncontrollable shaking
as we're both lost forever
with the torrential pleasure
in each other's eyes.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Empowered by Tasting
Sunday night, I attended a 'tasting event' at the Center for Sex Positive Culture. I have to admit being increasingly nervous up to the point of actually walking into the building. I might have avoided going altogether if I hadn't already promised a few people I was going to be there...and my curiosity and excitement overpowered my anxiety only slightly.
There was a potluck beforehand and once I found the right building and room to be in, I felt more comfortable. I was approached by and introduced to a few people during the potluck and that made things even more comfortable.
Then the big moment came, it was time to go to the tasting. I walked around signing up for this or that still nervous and excited. They announced that it was time for the tastings and the tops started calling out names already. Eeek! A friend I made at the potluck pulled me back to the lockers and we both undressed to our lingerie. She had on a babydoll and I have to admit I felt a little embarrassed I hadn't thought of something like that. All I had was my bra and panties (which say: KISS THIS on the back). But I strutted back out into the main area anyway (yes I kept my heels on ;).
I have to admit, I expected more people to be just down to their underwear or even naked but most were fully clothed. I had originally only been planning to strip down if the majority of other people did as well but my new friend had been a bit of encouragement. I suppose I could have been embarrassed about it, being one of the only people (at least at first) walking around in just her underwear but something clicked in my mind and it went the other way. I found myself strutting around, smiling at everyone (and I seemed to get lots of smiles back too for some reason! lol) and just having a good time. It was warm enough in there with all the people and of course the activities.
I ended up trying flogging, spanking, violet wand, suspension bondage, floor bondage, and saran wrap bondage. It was all fun but I found myself enjoying the bondage parts the most and the other events, I felt like they just needed bondage added to them to make them more fun. =) I'm not a masochist so being flogged or spanked alone didn't do much for me...but the feeling of being helpless, tied up in ropes or saran wrap....really felt good....and imagining being flogged or spanked or tickled (etc) while being tied up, unable to move but being forced to be there and take it...that adds fuel to the feeling for me.
I had originally signed up for one of the 2 bondage stations, not realizing one could be for suspension and one could be for floor bondage. So I got on the floor bondage list a little late and was much farther down the list. As the night was getting closer to being over, I felt pretty good but I still wanted to try the floor bondage. The top doing that event looked like she was about done but she let one more girl go and she said I could be the last. She hogtied that girl and then tried to figure out what to do for me. She decided on some kind of makeshift crucification one or something. She said I would have some choices as to what positions were most comfortable and I asked her "Will I be totally helpless?" with a hopeful gleam in my eye. She smiled and said "yes mostly".
So she tied my arms to a pole, tied my left leg bent in on itself and my right leg to the same pole my arms were tied to. Then she sat back and watched and laughed as I tried to find a comfortable position. I smiled and struggled at the bonds. I moved around in all kinds of positions and found myself a bit helpless at times. =) She helped me once move back to a certain position but I soon found myself back in that helpless position. A few people came over and watched and laughed and egged me on and I just smiled and giggled and struggled.
At some point, I started to get free and with a lot more work and time, I was able to break free completely. Not that I wanted to! haha. The top that tied me up commented by saying "You didn't tell me you were an escape artist" and I laughed. In reality, I just enjoyed feeling helpless with an audience and isn't a part of being truly helpless, struggling? It was fun and hot. Probably my favorite part of the whole night.
I drove home that night feeling very happy for some reason....almost empowered. I almost wanted to celebrate somehow. I had discovered more of this side of me and it felt good. Although it opened up more questions too. I felt like "Wow, I could really enjoy a rope-play-party" but at the same time, I'm unsure of my sexual limits and yet a part of rope-play I definitely want to experience at some point will be the sexual additions to it. But I still see the ultimate pleasure of it being with that one true special person for me and him alone.
There was a potluck beforehand and once I found the right building and room to be in, I felt more comfortable. I was approached by and introduced to a few people during the potluck and that made things even more comfortable.
Then the big moment came, it was time to go to the tasting. I walked around signing up for this or that still nervous and excited. They announced that it was time for the tastings and the tops started calling out names already. Eeek! A friend I made at the potluck pulled me back to the lockers and we both undressed to our lingerie. She had on a babydoll and I have to admit I felt a little embarrassed I hadn't thought of something like that. All I had was my bra and panties (which say: KISS THIS on the back). But I strutted back out into the main area anyway (yes I kept my heels on ;).
I have to admit, I expected more people to be just down to their underwear or even naked but most were fully clothed. I had originally only been planning to strip down if the majority of other people did as well but my new friend had been a bit of encouragement. I suppose I could have been embarrassed about it, being one of the only people (at least at first) walking around in just her underwear but something clicked in my mind and it went the other way. I found myself strutting around, smiling at everyone (and I seemed to get lots of smiles back too for some reason! lol) and just having a good time. It was warm enough in there with all the people and of course the activities.
I ended up trying flogging, spanking, violet wand, suspension bondage, floor bondage, and saran wrap bondage. It was all fun but I found myself enjoying the bondage parts the most and the other events, I felt like they just needed bondage added to them to make them more fun. =) I'm not a masochist so being flogged or spanked alone didn't do much for me...but the feeling of being helpless, tied up in ropes or saran wrap....really felt good....and imagining being flogged or spanked or tickled (etc) while being tied up, unable to move but being forced to be there and take it...that adds fuel to the feeling for me.
I had originally signed up for one of the 2 bondage stations, not realizing one could be for suspension and one could be for floor bondage. So I got on the floor bondage list a little late and was much farther down the list. As the night was getting closer to being over, I felt pretty good but I still wanted to try the floor bondage. The top doing that event looked like she was about done but she let one more girl go and she said I could be the last. She hogtied that girl and then tried to figure out what to do for me. She decided on some kind of makeshift crucification one or something. She said I would have some choices as to what positions were most comfortable and I asked her "Will I be totally helpless?" with a hopeful gleam in my eye. She smiled and said "yes mostly".
So she tied my arms to a pole, tied my left leg bent in on itself and my right leg to the same pole my arms were tied to. Then she sat back and watched and laughed as I tried to find a comfortable position. I smiled and struggled at the bonds. I moved around in all kinds of positions and found myself a bit helpless at times. =) She helped me once move back to a certain position but I soon found myself back in that helpless position. A few people came over and watched and laughed and egged me on and I just smiled and giggled and struggled.
At some point, I started to get free and with a lot more work and time, I was able to break free completely. Not that I wanted to! haha. The top that tied me up commented by saying "You didn't tell me you were an escape artist" and I laughed. In reality, I just enjoyed feeling helpless with an audience and isn't a part of being truly helpless, struggling? It was fun and hot. Probably my favorite part of the whole night.
I drove home that night feeling very happy for some reason....almost empowered. I almost wanted to celebrate somehow. I had discovered more of this side of me and it felt good. Although it opened up more questions too. I felt like "Wow, I could really enjoy a rope-play-party" but at the same time, I'm unsure of my sexual limits and yet a part of rope-play I definitely want to experience at some point will be the sexual additions to it. But I still see the ultimate pleasure of it being with that one true special person for me and him alone.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Little girl vs. Experienced Woman
My mind and heart have been at arms over the last 24 hours or so. I recently met with a guy who I now call Daddy and we had our first date. It was my first experience of any kind of D/s relationship intermingled with the beginnings of hopefully a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.
The date involved both conversing as equals and being Daddy's little girl. I have to admit it's hard for me to draw up where the boundaries were for the date exactly…sometimes I felt like his little girl and other times I felt like he was a man I was very interested in for a boyfriend. These two separate dynamics during the date played different tunes in my heart, even afterward.
Daddy said he wouldn't leave me and the little girl inside of me believed him with every ounce of her strength but the logic of a grown woman hung heavy over that, knowing this was merely a first date and that sometimes grownups make promises to children, they can't keep. The woman in me was aghast at how attached the little girl in me had become already. While the little girl clinged lovingly to Daddy with eyes full of love, the woman inside remembered the heartache caused by many a man. She had gotten her hopes up so many times only to have her heart dashed upon the rocks over and over.
Along the same lines, hours after the date and even the next day, I found the little girl in me wanting so bad to text Daddy, to talk to him, to see him…but the woman in me knew that would come off as clingy and she didn't want to spoil things.
Its just so foreign to me to feel like there are separate sides of me like this and watching how they struggle with each other when trying to find not just a Daddy/Dom but a boyfriend too. The little girl in me feels so safe with Daddy…already….and yet the grown woman knows he could up and leave without a moment's notice…because it's only been a first date.
Maybe the two will better juxtapose when the vanilla part of the relationship can be established and therefore come in-line with where the D/s relationship already seems to be...ironically, lightyears ahead.
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