Well wow I noticed today I have some new followers so I thought I'd give them a shout out:
baby_girl
zelda
florida_dom
slvchar
brokenwings
Draugluin
sirphil502000
Welcome all and thanks for joining me on this journey =)
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Helplessness: Sexual yet Soulful
A lot of D/s and M/s topics and issues have been going through my head lately. I am hoping to expand upon them as I ponder them and research them in future blog posts but in the meantime, they've brought up another issue. I started exploring kink with the idea that it was something sexual to add to a relationship. That's what it would be for me. Something only in the bedroom.
I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.
Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.
That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.
Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.
Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.
A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.
I've experimented enough to know that my kink is helplessness. Pain alone won't do it for me and sensual touching and other things alone will merely make me uncomfortable (outside of a close relationship). You know how they say "just add water?" Well for me, it's: Just add bondage. Then suddenly pain becomes interesting to me and sensual touching even with strangers is suddenly ok because I am helpless to stop it.
Of course am I really helpless? I mean I submit myself to the situation or scene at hand and I can exit it with merely a word if I feel the need. And yet instead, I relish in that powerless feeling for as long as I can. It seems to fill up a part of myself that has never been filled before.
That feeling, that need, that desire in my soul, the feeling that is temporarily filled whenever I do a scene and yet the same feeling that feels empty when I'm in sub drop, is surprisingly not sexual.
Therefore, how can I continue to say that it is "Just in the Bedroom"? By my own logic, there is something more there than sexual desire and turn-ons.
Thoughts of submission outside of the bedroom both intrigue, excite, and yet horrify me as well. There's a part of me that finds release in a submissive role and yet the other part of me constantly claws away at any such ideas with gnashing of teeth. Part of me doesn't want to give up such control.
A friend told me recently that it's something I will just have to experience to find out for sure if any portion of that lifestyle is really for me and I suppose I agree. I just haven't met the right person to experience that with yet. And once I do meet that someone, it will take time for trust to build and trial and error to see what does and doesn't work.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday's Rope Events
I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this experience or not. Really, there isn't too much to tell but it's still worth mentioning.
Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.
That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.
I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.
And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.
I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.
We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.
One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)
So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)
The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.
He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)
Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.
It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.
I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.
He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.
They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.
So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)
Sunday, I attended the Rope Enthusiasts Group at the Center. it was my second time to that event and so I felt fairly comfortable and I wore my new "Rope Slut" tank top. That alone was exciting. =) I arrived and greeted a few folks that I had met at previous events. I also met some new people that I had only spoken with online before that. One of the girls there asked me if I'd be willing to bottom for her and her partner as he showed her how to tie a box tie. I of course readily obliged.
That itself actually took probably around 20 or 30 minutes because she re did it a few times and had him do it the first time as well. I didn't mind at all though. =) After that, I ended up socializing a bunch but for some reason I felt a shy streak. There were lots of people around, many getting tied up but many were not and yet I couldn't walk up to any of them and ask if they needed a rope bottom for anything? It was kind of odd.
I suppose I worry that if I continue to be so extra-willing to be tied up and very verbal about it (online and at events) that maybe people will decide I'm merely a "whiner" or "needy" or something. I really don't want to give off that impression at all.
And so, I ended up conversing with people and I didn't end up getting tied up again. My friend, P got tied up a few times though and she was flying high. When REG ended, and we headed out, I was at an all time low. I felt disappointed with myself for not being more aggressive and it caused feelings of melancholy and despondency.
I knew we were going to another rope event later that day but I couldn't quite bring myself out of that depressed cloud of anguish. We went to lunch and I was able to talk some to get my mind on other things such that by the time we got to Wild At Heart for Suspended Animation's "How to tie" class, I was feeling a little better.
We walked in and a guy passed out rope to all of us. At first, I declined and said I was P's bottom for this event and he said that everyone should have a piece of rope anyway. I reluctantly took one and we all sat down shortly after that.
One of the rope tops presenting had helped tie me up at my first play party, Bondage is the Point and P had also mentioned to him at some point that I was willing to stunt bottom for this class if it was needed. So both Rope tops approached me before the class actually started and asked if I'd like to volunteer periodically throughout the class and that it would probably involve some "D/s, like hair pulling". My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and said "of course!" =)
So they started talking and showing us a few different ways to tie certain body parts or objects. They showed us 1 column ties, 2 column ties as well as a tie that could be used on an object that wasn't a body part (like tying a wrist to a bedpost). I was surprised to find that I could do all of these fairly easily. I did it on myself some and on P some but she eventually started tying me in places.At one point she had one of my ankles tied to one chair and another to another chair and then the guy next to me tied my wrists to another chair. Weeee that was fun. =)
The first time they wanted me to come up front to volunteer, they merely tied my wrists together in front of me. He had me hold my wrists about a fist apart and so they werent very tight at first. Then he started frapping and they got tighter and I immediately felt more secure. The top commented to the class that as soon as he started frapping, he felt my body temperature rise. Wow he could read me like a book.
He untied me and had me sit down and everyone was trying ties here and there an they were going around to everyone to help them. P wanted to tie me more and I let her mostly but I found myself worried that they'd need me to volunteer again and yet I wouldn't be ready so they'd pick someone else! Lol, I'm such a freak sometimes. Here was P trying to tie me up and I wanted to make sure I was available to be tied in front of the class. I suppose there's a bit of my exhibition streak right there. ;)
Finally it came time for me to volunteer again up front and this time, he tied my wrists behind me. I felt much more restrained and secure and peaceful and I knew something more was going to happen this time. The next few minutes are kind of a blur. I think he took me by the hair and lowered me to my knees carefully where he tied my ankles to my thighs. He made various comments about how I was "settling in" to that headspace and about my body temperature rising again. He took me by the hair again and pushed me to my knees such that only my knees were touching the ground (ankles tied to my thighs) and he was only or mostly holding me by my hair.
It was a little of a balancing act but I was partially lost in the moment. He held my hair very tight, tighter than it's ever been held/pulled. I was facing the class and yet I saw none of them....I was in my own headspace at that moment in time. And it felt so peaceful, secure, mellow. This is what I had wanted to feel that day and why I had been so depressed that REG had not panned out for me.
I still surprise myself that when I'm in moments like that...the feelings are not at all sexual. I've equated it with a different feeling, a need of the soul. And yet hours or days later, I'll think back to that moment in time at what was happening to me and become extremely turned on. And I may or may not daydream about things that didn't happen *cough* but um yeah.
He then carefully let me lay on the floor and he untied my legs and then they demonstrated what to do when a sub was struggling and you had to get her out of the ropes fast. So I mock-struggled a bunch, face down with my hands still tied behind my back and one of the tops talked about how you don't want to use a knife because this weird red stuff can appear and get everywhere and we all laughed. He showed us some scissors/shears that were good for getting rope off fast in like an emergency or something.
They finally untied my wrists and I was free again and I still felt good. Often when someone unties me, I feel sad or down but if I've been in it long enough and/or the situation has been intense enough, I end up on a high and happy as can be. And that's how I was for the rest of the day.
So the day started out not so great but ended awfully nice. =)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Bordering on Poly
That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.
What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.
Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.
Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.
One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.
And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.
That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?
My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?
I don't know.
For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.
Monday, July 18, 2011
First 5 Followers!
Hi everyone! I just wanted to give a shout out to my first 5 followers. =)
SBF
Kitty
sl
K
Loki's Angel
Thanks for coming with me on this journey! =)
Feel free to comment and introduce yourselves if you want =)
SBF
Kitty
sl
K
Loki's Angel
Thanks for coming with me on this journey! =)
Feel free to comment and introduce yourselves if you want =)
Friday, July 15, 2011
Walking a fine line
Afterward, my friend P and I went to The Grind and Chill, an 'every Thursday night' party. I was supposed to meet a possible Service Top at the party just to get to know him and watch him wail away on a friend of his. Outside of that, as usual, I was hoping to find somebody to tie me up.
We got there and there were already a good amount of people there. The grind was a dark lit place with disco and black lights moving on the dance floor with industrial music flowing through the room. People were scattered around in couples and groups, socializing, making out, etc. I was a bit shy at first and stuck by my friend, P's side. Then I saw someone I had met before and went and talked to him for a few minutes.
Then I saw who I thought might be the Service Top I was supposed to meet so I walked over and sat down and we talked for a bit. He and his friend showed me his toys, canes, paddles, and other more devious instruments. He wasn't into rope though so I was unsure of where this could really go. After he showed me everything, he invited me to cuddle with them and I inched slightly closer, but not much lol. He took my arm and sensually ran his fingers up and down it and I was very obviously not comfortable. At some point, I finally said that this wasn't going to work for me. I came to a realization at that point, anything sensual, sexual, painful....outside of bondage, holds no interest to me and in fact, is very uncomfortable to me....at least outside of an exclusive romantic relationship.
The Service Top seemed understanding and invited me to watch him play with his friend. I did for a little while and then joined my friend, P on the dance floor. That didn't last long though. I know she wanted to dance but I was there for other reasons (ie rope). P and I decided to go to the other area and watch some flogging. We did so and I found I wasn't very interested. Imagining myself on the rack with a couple of wrist restraints just didn't hold a lot of interest for me. P went off back to the dance floor and I went to the other room "The Chill".
Here there was some floor and suspension bondage going on along with socializing. THIS was my room! haha. I sat down and watched a couple of scenes and then a rope top who had tied me up at the BitP party showed up with his date. He waved and I smiled and waved back. I knew they were on a date and I didn't want to interfere but at some point, I walked over and sat down and socialized with them. I think it was his date that asked if he was going to tie me up. My heart skipped a beat.
So we went over to an area not being used where there was a medical-like bed that had retractable rails. He decided to hogtie me on the bed. He kept asking me what else I wanted done to me and I was a bit shy but I started talking about some of the things I was interested in like spanking and tickling. He had read over my profile some and mentioned the Daddy/little girl thing and I started to try to explain that that was more of a relationship thing than play. After I'd explained how I was trying to split out relationship-play from other-play, both he and his date interjected that what I was seeking in a partner was very idealistic and hard to find. My heart sank at hearing that.
I mean I know that already, I've dated a bunch and not even come close to finding what I need/desire. But hearing it was still a downer. I have very real desires for things within a relationship that I know I can't do casually. In fact, when I first started exploring in the bdsm community, I never planned to 'play' casually with anybody. It was all about meeting the right daddy/dom/boyfriend FIRST and then playing.
After not finding that person and still being curious, I began exploring what I could outside of what I consider intimate/sexual encounters. I've now been tied up by around 7 rope tops and the experiences I gained from those sessions have been simply amazing. I've recently begun looking for a service top to help me explore a little bit further while still keeping sexual play out of it and I find that I'm walking a fine line.
So back to the session. My right thumb and my toes started tingling so he had to untie me at least partially. I took my shoes off...they were not quite as comfortable as the ones I usually wear and I think that's why my toes were tingling. At this point, I was feeling pretty good but I did not want to be done and I think he knew that. So he began tying my ankles to my thighs and then tied my wrists behind me again (once my fingers and toes were all right again). I was hogtied once again and I squirmed a bunch, giggled some, he tickled me some and spanked me very lightly some too. It was funny, he straightened my panties out a few times because they were bunching and I gave him permission to grope my breasts (through my bra)...all while I was tied again and it felt fine.
He further tied me to the bed itself. They brought up the rails so I really had not much room to squirm at all. At some point, he asked what else I wanted to try or maybe he asked how I was doing and I said "Well I'd be better with a blindfold and a gag". His eyes lit up at hearing that lol. He and his date figured out that I could snap my fingers (and I tried it) as a safeword for when I was gagged. He tried to get a ball gag in my mouth but apparently my mouth is too small so he ended up putting duct tape on my mouth and then he immediately asked me: "How is that?" and I totally answered "good" but it came out as "mpphhh" and he laughed. That was like first realization for me: "Oh yeah, I can't speak" lol.
He then put a blindfold on and they put some earphones on me as well. I could still hear some but everything sounded much farther away. So here I was tied to this bed, blind, mute, mostly deaf...so very helpless. I squirmed, giggled, sighed peacefully. He proceeded in tickling, spanking, and then someone got the idea to play with ice. They rubbed it on the bottom of my feet at first and I squirmed but the real fun was when they dropped it on my back and I like screamed and wriggled and squirmed until the ice jumped off my back lol.
What's interesting to me is not only how that utter frantic helplessness felt to me as I frantically squirmed and moaned, screamed through the gag but also the reactions around me. I could hear/feel that everyone around me liked seeing that a lot. That only made me want it more. They checked in with me a few times here and there and I nodded that I was doing fine (in fact, great!) and there was no way I was snapping my fingers...I was having too much fun.
Time ran away with me again and it was time to untie me. I came out of everything very slowly, sighing a lot, closing my eyes, feeling peacefully high. I thanked him for a lovely time and hugged him both before and after I put my dress back on. He made like he was going to kiss me after the hug and I gave him my cheek to kiss instead. He seemed surprised at that but kissed me on the cheek and then turned and kissed the other cheek too.
I had my friend P drive me to her place because I was still so completely high and drunk. At the same time, somehow I was also experiencing the beginnings of sub drop. It's odd, during the whole experience, I had lots of feelings going on but they weren't sexual at all. But as we drove away, I thought back to being blind, deaf, mute, immobile, and at the mercy of this man.....and it called to my inner sexual being and I felt like I was silently moaning the whole drive home thinking about that helplessness and how it felt.
That awakened the yearning I know so well, not just to be helpless, but to be helpless for a man that loves me only, completely and romantically. The yearning became so strong that I felt like crying and I'm going to need to let it all come out soon because the tears keep bubbling up, even today.
So I got home safe. I had a great time. I learned a lot more about myself as well. I will most likely play more with one or more tops but I am feeling even more wary and vulnerable now. How much more play can I really handle while keeping my emotions from becoming too attached to someone? Especially someone who I'm not supposed to get attached to.
Yes, I'm walking a very fine line.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sub Drop and Circumspection
It's odd. My mood has dropped over the last couple days.
Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.
And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.
Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).
Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.
Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.
Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.
I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.
I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.
Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.
Last Wednesday, I went on a date with a guy who I felt very comfortable with. We had a connection. He flirted, held my hand, described in very particular details what about my smile was cute, and despite the fact that I choked up a few times on the date (ugh how embarrassing) , he still seemed interested. I go back to that night, walking around the area with him, I feel like he could have wrapped me in his arms and I would have felt bliss. I go back to that moment and I feel a presence emanating from him, it makes me weak in the knees to think about.
And yet he's vanilla. He has definite interest in rope and bondage but probably nothing more. Even still, I was definitely interested and because we had already talked about going to Red Robin for our second date, I thought he was too.
Then I didn't hear from him. We exchanged a message or two online the next day but nothing happened after that. I abandoned any hopes for him and went on another date on Saturday, which also went well, I might add. (although I haven't really heard from him since either).
Sunday night, the guy from Wednesday texted me and called me. We talked for 40 minutes. Again there was a connection. We texted some more afterward and I mentioned my desire to be careful when it came to dating because a lot of guys don't understand about my 'male' past. He mentioned that there were things about my appearance and mannerisms that 'gave me away' and that really deeply hurt me. I won't lie. I cried a river into my pillow. I somehow managed to express over text that what he had said really hurt and he felt bad and surprisingly made up for it in his response but the damage was already done. And yet he still did not express the desire to see me again.
Yesterday and today my mood has still kind of been low. Today I was wondering if part of that wasn't some kind of "sub drop". I had this amazing time at the play party two Sundays ago and then things started going emotionally down hill from there between the date and him making those remarks and going forward.
Maybe I'm reaching or maybe it's just all about this guy and other guys before him. I had a similar kind of connection with another guy a month or so ago. He claimed to be a dom but it seems to me he was more of a kinkster or fetishist. He just seemed to want to have sex any way he could get it and once he realized I wasn't going to be giving it to him anytime soon, he let down the facade and showed his true colors as a misogynist.
I am now starting to wonder if this new guy is not similar. He's acted like a complete gentleman during our interactions and has alluded to wanting to kiss me and he seemed a bit disappointed when I mentioned that I didn't take sex casually. And now he's dropped off the map again as well.
I feel like a scared little sub girl afraid of giving herself to someone. Afraid that whoever that guy says he is, that he'll be something else once he gets what he wants from me....only to discard me like some used garbage.
Quite different of a feeling from when I felt high, happy, and empowered after being tied up last.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Do past hurts translate to presently needed pain?
In my exploration of bdsm so far, I've been attracted to both submission and helplessness in the bedroom. I haven't taken a huge interest in pain but it does pique my interest, especially within the throws of helplessness.
That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.
Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.
I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.
Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?
That being said, I've had this idea of what I feel like I may need and it definitely involves pain, maybe driving me to an edge I've never been to before. Part of wanting that is wanting the aftercare afterward too, somehow it all goes together.
Last night I had a realization though. 2 years ago I made a major life change (transitioned from living as a male to living as a female) and because of that, my parents pretty much disowned me. They're very hurt over it and all of this stuff and of course I'm very very hurt that they reacted that way. Both of us have lots of emotions regarding the issue at hand and all our emotions are valid.
I am an optimist. I try to live my life in the present and be happy with what I have. But I do still have a lot of hurt inside from having my parents abandon me like that, among other things. It bubbles up from time to time and I cry. But I've begun to realize that the pain I want to feel goes hand in hand with the hurt that's inside me. And the aftercare is almost a way of healing and forgiveness. This especially with the right partner that loves me, etc.
Is this wrong thinking? Does anyone else relate to similar thoughts/feelings when it comes to receiving pain?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wow = My First Play Party (BitP)
I called this weekend a "BDSM Weekend". I went to YAREG, the SBS Brunch, and "Bondage is the Point" at the CSPC.
My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.
I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.
Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.
Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.
The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.
He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.
Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.
Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.
The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.
I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.
At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.
A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.
One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".
At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.
At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.
Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.
I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.
The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush
It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.
My love of rope is only getting more and more profound with each new experience. It's like an addiction.
"Bondage is the Point" was my first real play party and it seems to me because of the limits on impact play , it was definitely a good place to start.
I was driving over with my friend (who I'll call P) and I was very giggly and excited. She even asked me if I had been drinking and I was like nope! lol.
I have to admit there was a part of me inside that was prepared to be disappointed. I had been warned that because the workshop had been canceled and because of the holiday, there would probably not be much of a crowd at the party. I felt really sad at the prospect of not being tied up but I tried to hold that feeling at a distance.
We arrived and were guested in by a lovely woman, S (thank you!) and the first thing that happened was P saw a person she knew from work! So we talked to him for a bit and we both hinted that we wanted to be tied up and after getting to know me a little bit, he started with me.
Having had stripped down at the Tasting event over a month before, I felt fully comfortable stripping down to my bra and panties again. Maybe at some point in the future I'll feel more comfortable taking my bra off....I still feel like my boobs are so friggin tiny though.
Anyway he began tying a chest harness and a full leg harness and hoisted me up as he went a long. He cuffed my wrists behind my back because I had made it clear I wanted to be helpless lol.
The second I was fully hoisted, I noticed the familiar pain in my back that I had experienced at the Tasting event when I was slightly suspended for a very short time. I told him about it and tried to discern how bad the discomfort was....it's either a back muscle thing or back/spinal cord thing, I don't know. He tried a few positions and spun me around a bit and I Got a little dizzy and lightheaded. As I was swinging and in the air, he made comments like "you look really pretty like that" and I'd blush. He didn't do a whole lot of play...as i said, not a big impact play party or anything. He did tickle me some and invited Johanna to do the same. They both also stroked my legs and sides lightly and such as well.
He kept asking how I was and finally I told him that my back really didn't feel good and he said "Ok I should take you down then" and he did. The second I got one foot back on the ground, I was all better and I didn't want it to be over already! So I told him maybe he could do a partial suspension and he seemed happy to oblige.
He had me kneel with my hands behind my back and and he tied me in that position with a tether to the ceiling. I got to struggle a bunch, the whole time smiling and giggling. I was able to get on my feet in a squat and he didn't want me to so he tried tying his bag full of rope to my shoulders/neck so I couldn't left up that far and that worked. I struggled a bunch and at one point ended up using his rope bag as a pillow/headrest haha. It was fun.
Finally he said it was time to untie me and open up the space for someone else to use and I felt very very sad. After he untied me, I thanked him and hugged him and got dressed again. P looked at me weird and said "Why bother getting dressed again?" and I shrugged. I think I expected that that was my one time getting tied that night and that I needed to be satisfied with that.
Well P and I socialized a little bit and then we sat down to watch another scene going on where a guy was tying up another girl. 2 other guys were sitting nearby as well and we introduced ourselves and the question was asked if either of us were interested in being tied or something and of course we both chimed in yes...but P had already been promised a scene with her friend who had already tied me up so she let me jump in and with a grin, I was happy to.
The 2 guys asked me what I was interested in and I mentioned the back problem I seemed to feel when fully suspended so maybe some floor bondage would be good. They asked about what types and suggested one in which I declined because I had had a problem in yoga with that particular position...and my leg going numb because of a nerve being pinched so we ended up talking about a hogtie.
I've been hogtied a couple times now so that sounded just fine to me. I went over to where they put a blanket down and stripped down to my undies again and let him go to work. They were interested in trying something a little different in regards to my arms though...where my elbows would touch. Apparently there's a fetish for elbows touching like that or something? Anyway I was like sure and I was flexible enough to do it. The main guy tying me at that time was fairly new to this kind of tie though so he motioned the other guy to help. From that point on I was being tied by both of them. They did like the other top and kept asking how things felt and they kept feeling my hands to make sure circulation was still good. At one point, my fingers started to tingle and I let them know and they undid part of the rope and let my hands free for a minute or so. When they felt better, they retied them but slightly differently and without elbows fully touching. But later on they were able to tie the elbows again but without the extra circulation strain from before.
At one point, one of them asked if I'd like a blindfold and I was like "sure!". He tied a black blindfold around me and I could literally see nothing and suddenly my hearing began picking up more things...like the people that were sitting there watching. Many of them were saying things like "Wow she looks so pretty in that rope" and I kept thinking "Are they talking about me or another scene?". They also had my heels tied up in some shoe bondage...I wish I could see them but even without the blindfold, I couldn't turn my neck around to see really.
A few times during the whole scene, one or both of the guys would mention that they should probably untie me and I'd be like "noooooo!" and they'd laugh. I struggled and wiggled a bunch while I giggled at how helpless I was. They prodded me with their boot or something on different parts of my back and butt and stuff and I just giggled. I liked that I could do nothing about it...it felt so freeing.
One of the guys would get down and whisper in my ear some things like: "You like being helpless, don't you?" and I'd nod and whine and giggle. They both would tweak the knots and stuff and they moved me around some as it progressed. They also tethered me to the ceiling at some point so that I was even more restricted in movement. The whole time they'd make remarks like "well she cant do anything about it anyway!".
At one point, one of the guys kneeled and lifted my head up into his lap and I still giggled and someone else half jokingly was saying things like "She didn't consent to that!" and someone else said "Well the giggling is close enough to consent!". I just kept on giggling...I liked that I couldn't do anything about it...even though I knew I could protest and it would stop but I still felt safe.
At one point they called P over and she was topless still from her own scene and she came over and topless-cuddled with me and tickled me. I just giggled and wiggled some more. That just went on for what seemed like a long time. I drank it all in, the helplessness, the voices all around talking about me, it was so very blissful. There were times I just laid there, zoned out....and then I'd struggle again.
Finally somebody mentioned that it was after 11pm and that they should probably untie me now and I knew that it was time. I wasn't quite as sad about it as the last time, they kept saying I was high on endorphins, maybe that's what it was. I just know I felt fulfilled, happy, my heart was soaring. They untied me and removed the blindfold and I laid there for a while taking it all in. At first I was disoriented, I didn't recognize the area of the room we were in. I was oriented in a different direction slightly or something, I had to try to get a look around the whole room and let a minute or two go by before I realized where I was exactly. I also couldn't get a whole look around the room very easily at first because I was kind of dizzy. But when I finally did, I realized I had only moved about 3 or 4 feet from the original spot.
I socialized a bit while laying there, comfortable, happy...I felt great. Finally I was able to get up and walk around and get dressed again. P and I socialized some more and then we left. Everyone was worried about me driving but I felt fine...yes I felt amazing but I was fine to drive. I didn't want to go to bed though! So we went ot Taco Bell and back to P's place to eat it. Hung out and talked and I finally got home an to bed at 2am.
The day after was very low key. I felt sore all over my body....it was like I had worked out kind of sore but all over. It was a constant reminder of the night before. But as the day went on, I couldn't stop thinking about the night before. That feeling of being helpless...I don't understand why that feels so amazing to me. But now I find myself craving the next time it can happen. It's a feeling deep inside me, my heart, my soul, and um other parts of me. blush
It really sucks being sexually prudish and wanting to explore this kind of thing further. I kind of want to see about a Service Top but I still don't want to get too involved sexually....my heart won't let me treat it casually and the last thing I need is to get emotionally attached to someone I'm not supposed to.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Bound Again
It's dark, pitch black
but voices all around
my limbs are entangled
amidst rope and hemp
tightly bound
I can only squirm and wiggle
ever so slightly.
I'm helpless and at their mercy
why does that feel so welcoming?
They prod and laugh
and whisper in my ear
they roughly take me by my hair
and I am defenseless.
My heart is overtaken
by a torrent of bliss
giggling, whimpering, sighing
I can't help but smile
as others around me
make remarks.
It's peaceful in this place
yet exciting as well
I'm high as a kite
but even as it is undone
slowly the longing
in the depths of my soul
like a long-refused addiction
rekindles, re-sparking
the need in my loins
desire in my heart.
And now my whole body
so completely aches
to be bound again.
but voices all around
my limbs are entangled
amidst rope and hemp
tightly bound
I can only squirm and wiggle
ever so slightly.
I'm helpless and at their mercy
why does that feel so welcoming?
They prod and laugh
and whisper in my ear
they roughly take me by my hair
and I am defenseless.
My heart is overtaken
by a torrent of bliss
giggling, whimpering, sighing
I can't help but smile
as others around me
make remarks.
It's peaceful in this place
yet exciting as well
I'm high as a kite
but even as it is undone
slowly the longing
in the depths of my soul
like a long-refused addiction
rekindles, re-sparking
the need in my loins
desire in my heart.
And now my whole body
so completely aches
to be bound again.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Connection/Chemistry vs. Submission
My heart needs a deep connection and chemistry with someone special. Someone who will essentially sweep me off my feet and yet feel the same about me. It doesn't have to be instant but it's usually something that happens within one or two dates. Or it doesn't.
Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.
But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.
I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.
Another part of me seems to need to be submissive to this someone special that I might have utmost adoring feelings for. A need to be taken care of, nurtured, loved, yet taken and used, in a pleasing way to that person.
I'm sure many guys can play the second part well but it's so hard to meet someone who takes care of the first.
Could I live with a dom who I did not have a connection with? That chemistry, that feeling? I am very sure I could not. It would not last even if I tried....and my heart would be completely dissatisfied.
But could I live with a man who I did have that special connection with but in a wholly vanilla way? No submission involved at all. I'd say this is more likely but I still think I would not be satisfied.
I need both. But I need the that special someone who clicks with me in every way FIRST. Then and only then can D/s begin.
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