Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Bordering on Poly

I made a joke the other day with a friend. I said "You know, if I end up playing with a few service tops regularly, even if it's all non-sexual, I'll kind of be acting poly". She laughed at that because she really wants to convert me to Poly.

That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.

What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.

Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.

Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.

One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.

And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.

That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?

My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?

I don't know.

For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.


  1. GB,

    I like your ideals. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship to be monogamous. I have that kind and I couldn't be happier. I'd be furious if Daddy were sleeping with another woman or being intimate with her, even if it was only in conversation. Don't let someone pressure you into something that you don't feel is right for you and what you want out of life!


  2. My Master and I have always been monogamous. We haven't engaged in much public play, but honestly? That has much more to do with him being... totally and completely antisocial xD. We have done it once. Didn't play with others, just sort of.. took advantage of some equipment. I never felt unsafe because (obviously) he was around the whole time. I see what you mean about trusting a mono person (or someone claiming to be mono, at least) enough to play alone at their house. It's honestly something I never had to deal with. I would say that in those cases, perhaps playing will simply have to come later on?

    But yea, as kitty said, don't feel like you need to be "poly", have multiple play partners, etc. for your experiences to be valid and amazing! I've never understood "conversion" tactics. Sometimes people do change, but sometimes people just are the way they are. I wouldn't walk up to a person of another race and say "Hey, my race is great! You should try it!" because their ethnicity may be different, but that doesn't mean it isn't as good as mine or vice versa.

    I dunno. Just do whatever you are most comfortable with and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong just because it isn't "popular".

  3. Thank you both for your comments. It is something I'm struggling with and through experimentation I may or may not find that having "play partners" works for me or not. Even nonsexual play partners. I guess we will see.

    No matter what happens, I know for sure I still need that one person who needs me to be his ONE as well.

  4. Wow that is alot to consider and bringing more people into the mix does complicate things. Good luck to you and thanks so much for the comment.