Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Bordering on Poly
That being said, there's major truth to that statement I made. Even playing non-sexually with multiple people, that still builds a special kind of relationship over time...and it also builds up certain emotions for the people involved. Maybe they're not committingly romantic emotions but I can definitely see how they could build up over time to something more than just friendship, all the same.
What little I've experienced so far of 'play' has proven there is a need within myself to feel a certain way. Surprisingly, it's not necessarily sexual...but more a need of the soul. Adding romance and sex to the equation could only make it stronger but I continue to hold back on those things, hoping I'll be able to find the one person I can trust for that interaction. This is of course a very monogamous point of view.
Since my transition, I've tried to keep an open mind about all things. My mindset is "Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't work or isn't valid". Along those lines, I've tried to understand polyamory or even tried to imagine myself engaging in those kinds of relationships and I always have the most trouble with the part about my partner having other partners.
Jealousy is an ugly word but when I share something special with somebody, like my body or more importantly, my heart, I have a hard time with the idea of them sharing their heart/body with somebody else as well. It sounds kind of possessive but it's not like I need their attention and affection 24/7 and they aren't allowed to have friends and other relationships....I just need to be something special to them, something they don't have with anybody else.
One situation that pops into my head is the need to be comforted about something. I need that one person to go to, to be comforted. The one person that knows me best and that I trust completely. Is that really something I can have with multiple people? And if it was, could I really deal with the fact that any of those people felt similarly about others as they do about me? I just don't know.
And say I was poly...if my parents ever did come around or I wanted to tell my friends who my 'boyfriend' is....what do I tell them? "He's my boyfriend. Oh he's my boyfriend too. Oh and he has another girlfriend too." Um yeah, that only adds to the puzzle.
That being said, a lot of monogamous people I've met don't like to play at the center. And yet I feel very safe there. It makes it hard to play with mono people. I mean do I really want to play at a guy's house after just a couple of dates? Can trust really be built up that fast?
My ideal situation is to find the one man, daddy, dom, boyfriend, lover, that knows or wants to know me, inside out and I know him similarly. And nobody else could ever know either of us like we know each other. Is that too idealistic? And is it possible to have that with someone when both of us have other types of relationships that are different, on the side?
I don't know.
For now, I guess I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, exploring and seeing how things feel and how new experiences mesh with the pre-conceived ideals I have.